Thursday, January 31, 2013

Football is about Hugging

This Sunday is the Superbowl.  The Superbowl is a strange cultural occurrence in the United States where millions of people gather together in their homes to eat delicious snack foods and watch amusing commercials that are constantly interrupted by that hugging show.

Some people call the show football.  But let's be honest.  Football is about hugging.

Some hugs defy gravity

My dad used to watch the hugging show a lot when I was little.  I didn't really understand the hugging show.  It was the same show over and over, just with different colored shirts and different people hugging.  Over the years I have seen enough of the hugging show to get the general idea.  Since you will probably be invited to a commercial watching party, (but don't be deceived, the hugging show will interrupt those commercials a lot.) I will now explain to you the ins and outs of the hugging show so that you will know what's going on.

The game always starts out with a coin toss.  They flip a coin and someone calls heads or tails.  If they get it right they get to choose who gets to do the hugging first.

Next someone kicks a "ball" really far.  When I say "ball", you're probably picturing something round.  Normally, you would be correct.  In this case, imagine something that looks nothing like a ball.  Now call it a football.  You're getting it already.

After the football gets kicked really far, different people try to catch it.  If you catch the ball, you earn the right to get a hug.  Often the individual is embarrassed about wanting a hug so he usually pretends to run away for a minute.  Picture first grade girls chasing the boys.  It's kind of a similar scenario.  Eventually this person gets caught and gets their hug.

Next, you have a series of "plays".  A play consists of the "ball" moving around until someone gets a hug.

At the beginning of the play one guy hunches over really far in the middle.  This guy is called the "center".  He hunches over really far so that women at home can check out his butt.  It's a very important part of the game.

There is a very powerful individual called a "QB".  He checks out the center's butt for a minute and then he yells some secret code words that add excitement to the game.  Eventually, he tells the center to give him the ball.  As soon as he gets the ball, lots of people start to really want to hug him.

At the same time, other individuals called "receivers" run around and try to get the QB's attention.  All of the receivers want hugs.  But the QB chooses who gets a hug by throwing the ball at them.  So the receivers try to impress the QB by running really fast or puffing themselves up really large, or perhaps telling him how much they have in their 401K.  Eventually the QB selects the recipient of the hugs and throws the ball at them.  If the receiver catches the ball, he gets a hug.

Sometimes the receiver runs away from the huggers.  If he gets past a certain line they are not allowed to hug him.  This is considered exciting.

Other times, the QB doesn't feel that any of the receivers are worthy of a hug.  In this case, he will usually stand and wait for someone to hug him.  This is also considered exciting.

Sometimes, if the QB really wants to mix things up, he will throw the ball to someone who is wearing a different color.  If that happens you are definitely supposed to yell.  It is a very exhilarating thing to see.

Those are the basic principals of the game.  I didn't cover every possible outcome of the game, but that should get you through a good 90% of scenarios.  Also, watch for the guys dressed like zebras, whenever they say something, you should get angry.

But most importantly, don't miss the commercials.


  1. We should have you over sometime to watch a hugging game. I think it would be much more entertaining with you around. All this time I had it wrong; now I finally understand the game.

  2. What if I don't like the hugging show or the commercials? I just eat the food!

  3. This year it's very important though that the "Huggers" from Baltimore win! They're kind of the biggest deal ever.

  4. I had no idea you watched football. I'm glad I had it explained to me. Though after reading that I feel like I need a hug...


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...