Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Eternal Battle

I think I won the battle. I really think I was victorious. Of course, you know what battle I am talking about. It is the eternal struggle between good and evil. We all participate in this battle at one time or another. Sometimes, even good people are sufficiently deceived to fight on the wrong side. Clearly, I'm talking about the battle of the thermostat.

You see, there are certain people in this world who really prefer not to be comfortable. At least that's the only way I can explain it. They prefer their environment to be ridiculously hot. When they sing the song about "my favorite things" they sing about purgatory, lakes of fire and brimstone, molten lava and immolation.
This guy hates to be comfortable.

My coworker is one of these people. He would prefer that we light his skin on fire. During the winter I don't have any problem. I shut the vent in my office and allow him to turn it as hot as he likes. If it still gets to the point where my office furniture starts melting or spontaneously combusting, I just open a window.

In the summer, it's a little more difficult. I try to not cause conflict, but I also try to not die. I've been slowly inching the thermostat downward. Every few days I've dropped it about 1 degree. It was still ridiculously hot and then something glorious happened.

I was sitting at my desk when I heard a loud beeping sound. You see, I sit next to the server room. That room holds all of our various servers that host websites and other code. If that room gets hotter than 90 degrees an alarm goes off so that it doesn't melt down. The server room has its own AC but that went out which allowed the room to start to overheat.

While we were fixing the problem, one of my other coworkers cranked the main AC down about 12 degrees. It was a truly magical moment. Now all I need to do is get an alarm installed in my office so that everyone can be notified before I melt down.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I'm as Fat as a Canyon

This weekend Robyn and I took an adventure to Goblin Valley with some friends.  We slept out under the stars and braved the sun, the sand, the gnats and even goblins.  Of course, I wasn't sure how to prepare for goblins.  I didn't know if I should bring garlic, wooden stakes or silver bullets.  But, despite that, we survived.  I just thought I'd share a few of our experiences with you.

We had a picnic sitting above the valley.  It's crawling with goblins.  Are you afraid?

We chilled with some locals.

Robyn demonstrated that her classic pose works even in the desert.

Robyn got intimate with nature.  She is proudly holding up the roll of toilet paper as she marches into the wilderness.  I was so proud of her.

I domesticated a goblin.  They make excellent beasts of burden.

We hiked Little Wildhorse Canyon.  As you can see, I am fatter than the width of the canyon behind me.   We should have done the grand canyon, I'm pretty sure I don't need to diet to walk through that one.

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Return of Sleeping Robyn

I have two stories to share with you from this past week.  I'm not entirely convinced that these happened while Robyn was asleep.  Sometimes  I think she messes with me for her own amusement.  But either way, I will share what I experienced and you can formulate your own beliefs.

The first experience I will call the midnight tapper.  I was sleeping like a baby when Robyn started to tap on my arm.  That seems to be her signature move.  My first time dealing with it I think I got pretty cranky.  It's now old hat.  My strategy to deal with it this time was to just hold her hand.  Apparently that's not what she wanted.  She seemed very offended as she pulled her hand away and rolled over.

The next experience was her revenge for my mean tactic of holding her hand.  Before I tell the story I have to explain the layout of our bed.  I sleep on the very edge.  Most of the time my bum is hanging over the edge.  Robyn gets about two thirds of the bed and she uses all her space.  She roams back and forth all night long.  I woke up and her face was about two inches from mine.  Considering all the space she has that's pretty close.

It was much like this precious moment between Harry and Ginny.  Only less precious because Robyn was (supposedly) asleep.

I opened my eyes and looked at her with her eyes closed for about 3 seconds.  Once she knew she had my attention she promptly coughed in my face.  Then she rolled over to her side of the bed and probably giggled herself to sleep.  She claims she remembers none of this and that she was asleep, but that just sounds like a good cover story to me.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Flowchart My Breakfast

In my last post, a few of you pointed out that my flowchart showing how to eat food may not properly express the complexities involved in making food decisions.  To fix my mistake, I put together this flowchart.  I hope that it is as confusing as real life tends to be.  (You may need to click it to view a larger version.)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

To the People of Google

Through Google Analytics I'm able to see all of the searches that lead people to my blog. Sometimes I think those searches are very interesting. Today I thought it would be fun to respond to some of the searches that have lead people to me. If you performed any of these searches, I hope that you feel the love in my response.

chocolate emergency instructions
Chocolate emergencies are no trivial matter. Though I wrote about Robyn's Chocolate Emergency, I didn't give specific instructions for how to deal with the situation. If your wife or someone you love is having a chocolate emergency, follow these instructions to the letter.
1. Give her chocolate
2. Give her more chocolate
3. Repeat as necessary

april 21st 2011 rise of machines
I have good news. John Connor must have prevented Judgment day because there was no rise of the machines on April 21st. There was also no rapture on May 21st. John Connor may have been involved in preventing that as well, but I'm not sure.

flowchart my breakfast
You must have been disappointed because there was no flowchart to help you know how to eat breakfast. I have good news though. I made a flowchart just for you. The best news is that you can use this flowchart for any meal. Enjoy.

how can i hire someone to rickroll
It's a two step process
1. Pay me money
2. Watch me send a link to rickroll

is ken jennings single
No, he has a wife, two kids and a dog.

low battery detector
Low battery detectors are hard to come by. The key is you have to realize that they are marketed as smoke detectors even though detecting low batteries is their primary function.

i say hardcore
That's a good word to say.

stories about garbage
Well, I did have one story about a garbage conspiracy. But since you're looking for more stories here's another:

Once upon a time there was a boy named Luke. He was trying to rescue a princess from a prison cell. He took his friends Han and Chewie, they got the princess from the cell and they blasted their way into a garbage chute. Once inside, they discovered an incredible smell. The End.

soap is the breakfeast of champions
It really is isn't it? I discovered that it's really good at cleaning you out all the way.

never violated the prime directive
If you've never violated the prime directive I'm very proud of you. My wife violates it all the time.

Thank you to the people of google.  Keep finding me through searches.  Maybe we'll do this again sometime.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

The Awesomest Idea Ever

Sometimes it is necessary for parents to embarrass their children.  I am a firm believer in this philosophy.  I plan to be one of the most embarrassing dads ever.  But it will only be embarrassing because I will be so awesome that my kids minds will be blown.

Even though there are currently no kids coming our way, (I never see storks flying near our house.) it is still important for me to think of ways to expand my awesomeness for the sake of my children.  I just discovered a dad who brings awesomeness to a whole new level (and thus embarrasses his children.)

This guy dresses up in a different costume every day so that he can wave to his son as his school bus passes by on the way to school.  Apparently it started out as a fun thing to do at the beginning of school but he continued it all year long with different costumes.  The coolest thing?  He only lives a few miles from me.  I guess people in Utah are just awesome (or embarrassing, depending on your perspective.)

Check out this news clip about him.

Here are a few examples of his costumes.

Unfortunately, we live pretty close to the elementary, junior high and high school so if we are living in this same house my kids won't ride the bus.  I'll have to come up with something else equally as clever.  Meanwhile, you can see all of this guy's costumes at his website at

Let me know if you have any awesome ideas that will properly embarrass my future children.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The BeardPocalypse

We all knew it had to come to an end eventually.  No beard lives forever.  You should have recognized the signs of the times.  When the beard was shaved down to a goatee, that was the beginning of the end.

The goatee had a good run of its own but, ultimately, my baby soft skin needed to be exposed to the world.

You know what was the last straw?  My mustache was getting long enough that I couldn't eat food without "saving some for later", as it were.  It was kind of grossing me out.  What's that you say?  I could have just trimmed it back?  Don't be ridiculous.  The whole point of growing facial hair is that you don't have to shave.  Trying to trim it back to an even length is way more effort than shaving.  Thus, shaving was the chosen answer.

But, once again, for your viewing pleasure, I shaved it gradually so that you could enjoy the process. It should be noted that I reached new heights of awesomeness in some of these pictures.

(By the way, if you want to see the process of going from full beard to goatee it is here)

Without further ado, here are the pictures of the beardpocalypse in action. (I know I stole the term "beardpocalyspe" from Conan O'Brien.  Deal with it.)
I started with the goatee again  It's grown out just a little since I last posted.
I shaved it down to this Fu Manchu business  Does it get more awesome?
I thinned out the handlebars and shaved the soul patch.  This may be the pinnacle of awesomeness.
Then just the regular mustache.  Some people can pull off the mustache.  I really can't.  I believe the term Robyn used was "gross".
This is the final status of my face.  I have returned to my native baby faced cuteness.  

Whenever someone I know shaves their face, I think their top lip looks weird.  Does my top lip look weird to you?  I think it looks weird.  But the weirdness is overwhelmed by the cuteness.
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