Saturday, August 27, 2011

What is a Weed?

I've discovered a great truth as a homeowner.  I've discovered the definition of a weed.  A weed is simply a plant that I don't want.  I totally get to be the arbiter.  The overwhelming power might be going to my head.  I just wanted to share with you a few of the important decisions  I made today.

This plant: Not a weed.  It has a cool bug on it.  Next week it might be a weed if there is no cool bug.
These annoying plants that aren't pretty and grow taller than me?  Clearly weeds.
This may look like a weed.  But it sits outside my kitchen window.  Birds land there and sing to me while I eat breakfast.  Verdict: not a weed
The cool looking spiny fruit is the saving grace here.  Living in a desert is awesome.  Verdict: not a weed
At first glance I would have said that this sprinkler head is not a weed.  However, it was surrounded by weeds and the weed eater must have felt differently than I did because this sprinkler was decapitated.

I suppose that's what you get when you hang out with weeds.  It's kind of like the time I was standing on the playground near some kids that were playing cops and robbers.  (Apparently that's an evil game.)  The mustache lady came and punished all of them, but since I was standing nearby, I was punished as well.  (The mustache lady was the cruel overlord of the playground during recess.  She really had a mustache.  I still have nightmares about her.)

Unlike me in the mustache lady incident, the decapitated sprinkler is now the coolest drinking fountain in the world.
Sure to become a crowd favorite.
The moral of the story is, don't hang out with weeds unless you want to be decapitated.  But, if you are a weed, hang out with a cool bug.  (I never claimed my stories would have good teaching moments.)

Saturday, August 20, 2011

This one's for the Beliebers

Do you ever have one of those moments where you feel like you should do something and it's just so right?  Well, this isn't a story about one of those moments.  This is a story about a moment where I felt like I should do something because it was awesome.

It all started with a little visit to Zurchers.  Robyn needed to purchase something for her classroom.  Naturally, I was wandering through the store, trying to find something that would amuse me enough to dull the pain of shopping.  That's when I came upon this.
Now, I myself am not necessarily one of the beliebing faithful.  However, my good friend Kayli is one of the world's foremost Bieber fans.  Her twitter account dedicated to Justin Bieber has over 6000 followers.  I knew in my heart that she needed to have a large dose of Bieber in her home.  I also knew that it would be awesome to show up on her doorstep and surprise her with her very own Justin Bieber.  So, naturally, that's what I did.  (Robyn even approved the purchase of a cardboard Bieber.  That is love.)

We placed Justin Bieber on Kayli's doorstep and began recording before she opened the door.  This is reality TV at its finest.

Kayli had this to say about kissing him: "Let me just say it was my first time ever kissing a picture of him. I'm not a total weirdo when I'm alone, haha. I just got caught up in the moment!"

Kayli, we know you're not a total weirdo when you're alone.  It's just that some gifts are so awesome you have to either kiss the gift or the giver of the gift.  Since I'm married and the cardboard Justin isn't, you did what you had to do.

In the end, there was much rejoicing.  The moral of this story is, sometimes a Belieber needs a Bieber.

Monday, August 15, 2011

She's not Invited

A good friend of mine is getting married soon.  He sent me a wedding invitation and it was obviously precious.  But the envelope that it came in is what I need to discuss.  This is what the address label looked like when it arrived in the mail.

The original didn't have my address crossed off.  That was done because I'm afraid  that  I will have fans of this blog that will love my writing so much that they'll camp in my yard and do creepy things.
I don't know if you noticed a problem with this address label.  I am Mr. Jeff Stockett, but my wife is not a mister.  I have a few theories as to why this was done.

1.  He thinks Robyn is male.  (Most awkward option)
2. It was a typo.
3. He wants to subtly say that he doesn't want Robyn there.
4. He wants me there so badly that he would prefer that two of me show up if that were possible. (Most likely option)

I texted him to mock him and he assured me that Robyn was invited.  That eliminates number 3 as an option and pretty much confirms number 4.  I agree with him.  Sometimes I wish there were two of me.  You can only hold so much awesome in one person.

Friday, August 12, 2011

You Ought to give Iowa a Try

The Republicans had one of their first big primary debates yesterday in Iowa.  I watched the whole two hours because I'm very interested in making the right decision as to who I will vote for.  In general, I wasn't impressed.  It seemed everyone had one main message they were trying to get across.  I decided to take the main message that each candidate was emphasizing and summarize it here for you.  So here is my interpretation of what each candidate really wanted to express.

Newt Gingrich: Don't ask me hard questions, that's mean.

Ron Paul:  We need smaller government.  Also, the constitution is super cool.  You guys should totally read it.

Rick Santorum:  You should let me talk more.  Ron Paul is wrong about stuff.

Mitt Romney:  Barack Obama hates jobs.  I will create jobs.

Herman Cain: We need lower taxes.  Oh, and I own a business.

Tim Pawlenty: Michelle Bachmann is the devil.

Michelle Bachmann: nuh-uh. Tim Pawlenty is the devil.

Jon Huntsman: I'm proud of my record. No, seriously, I'm really proud of my record.

We'll see what the Straw Poll has to say about the results of this debate.  For me, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney and Herman Cain came out ahead.  (At least their main message had something to do with what they would do as President.)

But you don't have to take my word for it.  Feel free to watch the debate yourself:

What do you think?

Friday, August 5, 2011

What's the Deal with Dentists?

So I had a toothache. I went to the dentist. Now my whole mouth hurts. This got me really thinking. What is the deal with dentists? I went to the dentist to solve the problem of my tooth hurting. In exchange for solving this problem, I gave them a boat load of money. In exchange for the boat load of money the dentist solved my problem of pain by giving me significantly more pain.

Most of you may be thinking, "What's the big deal? Why are you so confused? That's how the dentist works." Well, let me use an analogy. Let's say that I had a problem where I was running out of food at my house. So I went to the grocery store and gave lots of money, and in exchange they removed the last little bit of food from my house.

Let's say my car was broken down so I had it towed in to a mechanic. I gave them lots of money and in exchange they bashed my windshield in.

Do you see how any other profession it's just not cool to make the problem worse? So I ask again, what's the deal with dentists?
Dentists also have a very strange habit.  They always seem to want to fill your mouth with strange instruments of torture and then make conversation.  You would think they would be aware that your mouth is filled with inhuman implements of pain, but apparently they're not.  It usually goes something like this:
"So what do you do for a living?"
"Ngh mbnub gnu"

"Do you like cheese?"
"mghu fhlg gnuhg"

"In 1000 words or less describe your favorite novel and what thematic elements were relevant to your life."
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"

I ask again, what is the deal with dentists?

What about Novocaine?  They always shoot you up before they drill.  I appreciate that.  But here's the concern I have.  They seem to be experts at numbing my cheek, my chin, even my nose.  But somehow my teeth can still feel that drill.  Perhaps the purpose isn't to reduce pain at all.  Perhaps it's amusing to make my mouth non functional and cause me to drool all over myself.  (Don't get me wrong, if I were them I would think that's funny.)

What is the deal with dentists?  I think Steve Martin knows the answer.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Cruisin' in the Beamer

Have you ever driven a car that costs over 100k?  You should.  Before today I would have answered that question with "negative."  (That's what I say instead of no.)  Fortunately, today I was able to change my "has driven a super expensive car" status to "affirmative" (You probably already guessed that's what I say instead of yes.)

I make this car look good.

BMW was doing a super awesome promotion where they let normal people drive super expensive cars. And, for everyone that test drives one of these cars they donate $10 to support the Olympics. (Do you see what a giving person I am? I totally supported the Olympics.)

This is a very gadgetudinous car.  Look at all the cool gadgets all over.
The car had all sorts of fancy features.  When I first pushed the button to start the car it just made the steering wheel move up and down.  Luckily, I'm a super genius so I figured it out in under 5 minutes. (Don't make fun. You already know I'm not fancy.) When I backed up the car a fancy little screen came up that showed me all the obstacles behind me.  It had a warning saying that I should not use only that screen to back up, but I totally used only that screen to back up.  (I'm glad I got that off my chest.)

Don't I look so good behind that wheel?
The best part was when I took it on the freeway.  I pushed that gas pedal down and we really felt it get up and go.  It was 0-60 in like 4 seconds.

No, I lied.  That wasn't the best part.  Do you remember the awesome guy that sent me pics of him with a BMW?  I sent him pictures of me in this car.  That was the best part.
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