Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Rules of Scary Movies

So, October is a great month. Every station likes to play lots of scary movies to celebrate Halloween. For many years, this meant that I stay up late every night in October watching whatever scary movie happens to be on. In the modern age I just DVR a billion scary movies in October and watch them for several months after.  In all my movie watching, I have noticed a few patterns and some codes to live by if you're ever in a scary movie.  I thought it might be nice to share some of these codes of conduct.  Because I want you, dear reader, to be alive at the end of the movie.

1. Pay attention to warnings from little kids
There is always someone who knows what is going on before everyone else.  This is often a little child but not always.  This could also be your nerdy friend or someone who is crazy(by the way, that person usually isn't crazy, they've just been through this experience before and no one believes them.)  Basically, the warning will come from someone who you see as a non credible source.  If someone you see as non credible is giving you a warning.  Heed the warning!  Also, this is usually a good sign that you are now in a scary movie.

2. Never take shortcuts
If you're driving on a freeway and the map says it's shorter to take some random dirt road, don't do it.  People in scary movies don't die on the freeway.  (People in other kinds of movies do get in car accidents though, so always drive carefully.)  The same applies even more on foot.  Never take a shortcut through a forest or a dark alleyway.

3. Turn on the lights
I know you have a flashlight and you think that it gives you plenty of light.  But you heard a scary sound in the basement.  That means there could be something scary in the basement, and that scary thing is going to hide where you are not shining your flashlight.  If you don't have lights in the basement, wait until morning and go down there and install some lights in the basement.

4. Put on some clothes
This one will hopefully be obvious.  But, since it's a problem commonly manifest in movies I'll talk about it.  If you hear a scary sound and you need to go investigate, it's okay to throw on some sweats and maybe a shirt.  I know you like to sleep in that sexy nightie, but just put something over it when you go outside.  This is for 3 reasons:
1. I know it's late at night but you could still run into some friends or something, how embarrassing.  
2.  Your odds of getting killed increase dramatically when you're just in your underwear.  
3.  If you are in a scary movie then all sorts of people are watching you in a theater.  You should be more modest!  
You don't have to get all dressed up for the prom or anything, just have some clothing on.  In fact, I suggest even sleeping with clothing on.  Robyn puts on one pair of sweats, 2 hoodies and 3 pairs of socks when she goes to bed.  (Look for a future post about Robyn's bed attire, cause it's that good.) I have total confidence that she will survive if she has to check on a sound in the middle of the night.

5. Never be alone
Monsters and serial killers both prefer to kill you one by one.  There is safety in numbers.  The only time you're allowed to be alone is if you're the hero.  If you know you are the hero you can venture off by yourself to take on the bad guys.  But, even then, remember not to leave anyone else by themselves.  You may eventually conquer the bad guys but the ones you leave alone won't be around at the end of the movie.

6. Be Likable
The most likable characters always survive until the end.  If you tend to be a jerk, you're probably going to die.  The hero will live as well, so you better either be the strongest person or the most likable.  But, it's better to be fun and innocent then tough. Children tend to survive as well, because people like children and they are innocent.  If you are not a child it helps to have a child.  Rarely will both parents of a child die.

7. Shoot the bad guy again
I know you've just defeated the bad guy.  He's laying limp and he looks dead.  You want to kiss the girl/check on the child/say your clever closing lines.  Remember, bad guys/monsters play dead very well.  They are guaranteed to get up again.  While he's playing dead go ahead and shoot him again.

8. Do some introspection
Is it possible you're not who you think you are?  Do none of the other characters interact with you?  You might be a ghost.  Think back: Have you ever died?  If the answer is yes, odds are you're a ghost, although there's a chance you could be a zombie or a vampire.
Does bad stuff happen when you're not around?  Especially inside your house with no signs of breaking and entering?  Do you seem to lose track of time?  You could be the culprit, or at least one of your multiple personalities, especially if you recently had a traumatic experience.  Or, if it only happens once a month that you have unaccounted for time when bad things happen you could be a werewolf.

9. Stay out of scary movies
The best way to survive a scary movie is to not be in one.  The best way to do that is to be in other kinds of movies.  Some examples are: you could be in a crime movie by committing a crime, or you could be in an action movie by being a super hero.  But those both have their drawbacks.  My personal preference is to be in a comedy.  If you're always funny you can't be in a scary movie.  One warning to this approach:  Do not be funny by making fun of someone else's fears.  If you are doing that, not only are you already in a scary movie but the very thing you are mocking is guaranteed to kill you.

I hope that you'll take these few tips to heart and I hope that you'll survive all future movies you happen to be in.


  1. Thanks for telling me how to survive. I don't watch enough movies to know for myself so it is a good thing I have you. My plan for now is to wear lots of clothes and stay out of scary movies!

  2. This post made me SO HAPPY. SO SOOO happy.

    Keep posts like this coming...that's all I can say!

  3. Is this book two of the series? It seems to pair along very well with the Book of Love.

    i.e. The How Not to Be a Hoser Series

  4. Best advice I've ever received (don't tell my mom I said that).
    Goodgosh put on some clothes! ha ha

  5. wow. Seriously good tips. Tip #10: Just don't watch scary movies. That tip is my favorite.

  6. I LOVE this post! Belal and I watch a lot of movies (pirated movies are cheap entertainment). The scary movies make me laugh because of how all of these rules always apply. #8 is my favorite. Can I quote you on this on my blog? So funny!

  7. Laurie, Yes, of course you can quote this post as well as any of my others. In fact, if you want to link back to that specific rule the url would be:

    (Linking to the other rules just requires changing the rule8 to be whatever number you want to link to.)

  8. You know how I like to be prepared for anything. I am glad that you did your best to help all of us not die. I have done great at staying out of scary movies thus far. Over the past couple of years I thought I might be in a chick flick, but then the girl didn't realize how great I was and date I am hoping for a comedy.

  9. I think this has to be my favorite post ever!

  10. I love it!! Jeff, you need to write a book or something... this is awesome!

  11. My only question is in rule #1 how do you tell if the person warning you isn't crazy or in the case of a child doesn't just have a really active imagination? I need a little more guidance on this one!

  12. Awesomeness....pure smartness...


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...