Wednesday, June 8, 2011

To the People of Google

Through Google Analytics I'm able to see all of the searches that lead people to my blog. Sometimes I think those searches are very interesting. Today I thought it would be fun to respond to some of the searches that have lead people to me. If you performed any of these searches, I hope that you feel the love in my response.

chocolate emergency instructions
Chocolate emergencies are no trivial matter. Though I wrote about Robyn's Chocolate Emergency, I didn't give specific instructions for how to deal with the situation. If your wife or someone you love is having a chocolate emergency, follow these instructions to the letter.
1. Give her chocolate
2. Give her more chocolate
3. Repeat as necessary

april 21st 2011 rise of machines
I have good news. John Connor must have prevented Judgment day because there was no rise of the machines on April 21st. There was also no rapture on May 21st. John Connor may have been involved in preventing that as well, but I'm not sure.

flowchart my breakfast
You must have been disappointed because there was no flowchart to help you know how to eat breakfast. I have good news though. I made a flowchart just for you. The best news is that you can use this flowchart for any meal. Enjoy.

how can i hire someone to rickroll
It's a two step process
1. Pay me money
2. Watch me send a link to rickroll

is ken jennings single
No, he has a wife, two kids and a dog.

low battery detector
Low battery detectors are hard to come by. The key is you have to realize that they are marketed as smoke detectors even though detecting low batteries is their primary function.

i say hardcore
That's a good word to say.

stories about garbage
Well, I did have one story about a garbage conspiracy. But since you're looking for more stories here's another:

Once upon a time there was a boy named Luke. He was trying to rescue a princess from a prison cell. He took his friends Han and Chewie, they got the princess from the cell and they blasted their way into a garbage chute. Once inside, they discovered an incredible smell. The End.

soap is the breakfeast of champions
It really is isn't it? I discovered that it's really good at cleaning you out all the way.

never violated the prime directive
If you've never violated the prime directive I'm very proud of you. My wife violates it all the time.

Thank you to the people of google.  Keep finding me through searches.  Maybe we'll do this again sometime.


  1. I don't remember the last time I was your first commenter!!! Woo hoo, I'm BACK!

    Love this. Your flow chart was so smart. I just might use it next time I don't know when I should start and stop eating.

  2. This was hilarious!! The "i say hardcore/That's a good word to say" made me laugh out loud for a while : )

    & golleeee, I wish my food flowchart were that simple. There's a lot of "how amazing does this taste?" "will it go bad soon and is in need of a human garbage disposal?" going on that trumps the question "are you full?"

  3. I know that I found your blog by typing in "I say hardcore" into google. I am glad that I also could have found it by asking if Ken Jennings has a wife. Your blog is so versatile.

  4. I think "Do I feel stress?"should be added to the chart as well!

  5. Wow, don't you wonder what caused people to search for such thing. I just know there are some good stories waiting there.

  6. You are famous! Thank you for thinking about all those Google people out there. You are too kind!

  7. how do you know this? Do you have a blog stat keeper or something?

  8. Josie, if you go to you can sign up for their web tracking. It's not just for blogs, it works on any website. But they give you javascript that you need to put onto your page and then they track all sorts of information for you.

  9. I'm going to have to try some new google searches and see if you come up!

  10. So I love doing random google searches for things and sometimes they are very rewarding. Like today I googled about how to get your mojo back... This was from the first link... I didn't read the rest of the article, but I thought this guy needs to meet Jeff:

    I realized my mojo had vanished. Last night, the zombie reanimation powder canister was almost empty, so I went to the kitchen to whip up a batch. While adding the monkey fur soaked in kerosene, I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming sense of futility. Why bother dominating the world, anyway? Can you imagine? You sit around all day and saying, "I'm king of the world!" B-O-R-I-N-G. When you discover you're going through the motions, maybe you've lost your Mojo.

  11. Melissa, that excerpt made me really happy. I'll have to check out the rest of the article.

  12. I like that you pull interesting information out of your Google Analytics. I set it up and have ignored it ever since. And I'm glad you share your data with us.


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