Happy Birthday to My Love

Thirty years ago today, a very important event happened in history. When Robyn asked me if I remembered what happened today, I told her that I remember that her mom got sick and had to go to the hospital, but I couldn't remember what was wrong. That made her cranky, but I remember now what it was. Thirty years ago my beautiful wife Robyn came into the world. (She wasn't my wife at the time. I was like 6 months old, that would be awkward.)

We were both this precious thirty years ago, but our preciousness was separate.

To commemorate 30 years of Robyn, I have decided to write 30 things I love about her.

Warning: possible mushiness ahead. Proceed at your own risk.

Robyn,

1. I love that you always want to do what is right.
2. I love that you always sound cute when you sneeze. (Readers of the blog: I will try to get you audio or video, but I have not yet achieved that.)
3. I love that you make such a cute face when you're cranky

How can you not love that cranky face?

4. I love that you're always willing to have fun
5. I love that you make amazing food
6. I love that you love to learn and grow
7. I love that you help me become a better person
8. I love that you do the most humorous things while sleeping

Reading while sleeping is a special talent

9. I love that you're fun and creative
10. I love that you make our home beautiful
11. I love that you're a hotty
12. I love that you like to surprise me
13. I love that you love the Lord
14. I love that you think I'm funny even when I'm not.
15. I love that you think you're funny even when you're not.
16. I love that we have great and exciting experiences together
17. Did I mention your cooking?
18. I love that we're just so precious together

Our precious level is off the charts

19. I love that you always follow your heart
20. I love that you know when to seek counsel and when to follow what you know
21. I love that you have amazing empathy for others
22. I love that you have a gift with children, you bring out the best in them

23. I love that you have awesome hair

It's oh so fun to play with

24. I love that you truly are my best friend
25. Oh Whoah Dang! (See reason #11)
26. I love when you do the cold run (I wish I had pictures.  When Robyn is cold, she does this run where she tucks her arms in and does a cute little waddle.)
27. I love that you are a creative thinker and have brilliant ideas.
28. I love that you came with an awesome family that has welcomed me and made me feel loved.
29. I love that you love reading and value knowledge.
30. I love that the last 3 years have been the best in my life.

Robyn, I love you so much!  I love you more than bacon.  I love you more than chocolate milk.  I love you more than Blu-Ray discs or books.  I hope you have the most amazing birthday of your life.

P.S.  As you pass into your thirties I hope this post was sufficiently loving as well as embarrassing.  I love you!

The Tale of the Free Book

Come little children, gather round.  I will tell you a story of swashbuckling pirates, true love, giants, deception, and war.  Okay, not really.  If you want that story you should read The Princess Bride.

But, I am going to tell you a story about Goodreads and how I got a free book.  I know it doesn't sound as interesting, and that may be because it's not as interesting.  But it was a neat experience for me, so I hope you find it at least somewhat to your liking.

You see, about 2 years ago I decided that it would be cool to write a review on Goodreads, of every book that I read.  I really don't know how much value they give to others.  I mostly do it to help me remember what I liked and didn't like about each book as well as remembering quotes or themes that I was able to pull out of the book.

Since it's been a few years and I am an avid reader, I have built up quite a set of reviews.  I don't know exactly how many there are but I would guess it's around 80 or 90.

Well, apparently my reviews are not bad because I got an email from a blogger that I have followed for a long time.  He recently came out with a book and I had added it to my list of books to read but had not yet actually purchased or read it.  He desired in his heart for me to review his book.  This is what the email said:

Jeff, I noticed you've marked my book, "Uncommon Sense: A Common Citizen's Guide to Rebuilding America," as "to-read." I'll make you a deal: I'll send you a free copy if you promise to 1) read it as soon as possible, and 2) post your review on Goodreads and Amazon. What do you say? If you're up for it, I'd just need your mailing address. Thanks! Stephen Palmer

This would be an excellent cover for a book about uncommon sense.

Now, for someone who writes a review of every book I read, this seemed like a phenomenally good deal.  Especially since I have found Stephen Palmer's blog to be well written and insightful.  Naturally, I sent him my address with great haste.

When the book arrived, I opened it up and saw this.

I guess I didn't realize he would sign it.  It made me feel suddenly cool and in the know.  I had an author sign his book for me, and not because I stood in a line at a Wal-Mart where he was signing books, but because he actually wanted me to read it.  (Authors are not like real people to me.  They're like celebrities, only more intelligent.  They say smart stuff that people read.  I apologize if my geeking out about this is disgusting you.)

I hungrily devoured the book.  I found it to be filled with wisdom.  I found that the note he wrote in the front of the book was an excellent thesis for the entire book.  Change really does begin with you and me, and not in Washington.  The message really spoke to me and I learned a lot from the book.  (You can read my full review and list of awesome quotes from the book here.)

There are two morals to this story.  (I bring you so much wisdom and morality.)  The first is that you should read this book.  It's an easy read and you can buy it at amazon or borrow my copy that has been signed by the author.  (I like rubbing it in.)

The second is that if you write a book you should let me read it for free.  I promise to write a good review.  Unless your book is really bad, then I am willing to not write a review, which would be kinder than actually writing the review of how bad your book is.  But if you're planning to write a really bad book, my suggestion is don't do it.

It should be noted that my friend Chanel has written a book.  She graduated from normal person to smart person, who has written stuff that people pay to read.  She let me read her book for free as well.  It was an excellent read.  I even wrote a review.  So buy her book on amazon.

All the rest of you who have not sent me free books:  Let's get on that.

The Foursquare Enforcer

I met the foursquare enforcer.  He's very real.  So you better not ever cheat on foursquare.

I know, most of you don't even know what foursquare is.  Now I'm going to have to explain it to you and simultaneously reveal my own high level of nerditude.

Foursquare is a mobile application where you can track where you are and share it with your friends.  It uses the GPS in your phone to see where you are, then you "check in" to nearby venues.  Your friends can see where you are checked in, you can comment and share pictures of the places.

When you check in to certain types of places you get special badges that appear on your profile letting people know that you have done such noteworthy things as gone bowling, eaten hot dogs, or checked in really late on a school night.  It's pretty high class stuff.  Also, the person who has checked in to a given location the most times in the past two months is deemed the mayor of that location.  Some businesses even give discounts for checking in or becoming the mayor of their establishment.

This is where the story gets somewhat embarrassing.  I wanted a certain badge on foursquare that you earn by checking in to an office a certain number of times.  Whoever added my work to foursquare did not categorize it as an office.  Therefore, I was checking in every day to a real estate office across the parking lot.

That's when the foursquare enforcer swooped in and commented on my checkin.

Wherever there are people checking in from several hundred yards away.  I'll be there!

He reprimanded me for my evil ways and exhorted me to never check in there again.  I explained to him the importance of me getting this badge and asked him why it was so important that I not check in.  This was his response:

Because other people who actually work here want the mayorship. If you want to cheat, just make up a new fake office.

I really wanted to mock him for feeling so strongly about a dumb phone application.  Every ounce of my soul really wanted to pour forth some mocking words.  But then I remembered that I was the one who was cheating in the dumb cell phone application.  All the mocking really should be directed at me.  I had to sheepishly tell him that I wouldn't check in there again and he was free to pursue the mayorship of his dreams.

I'll get you next time foursquare enforcer!  You haven't seen the last of me!

Thus ends the sad tale of how the foursquare cheater was defeated by the foursquare enforcer.  Isn't it funny how the foursquare cheater looks just like me except with more hair and an awkwardly photoshopped head? Totally crazy.

The Toothpaste Miracle

Life is filled with small miracles.  Toothpaste tubes are one example.

You probably don't agree.  You probably think I'm crazy.  You're probably right.  But all I know is that I have witnessed the toothpaste miracle many times throughout my life.  You probably have too.  You just don't realize it.

Let me tell you my story and then you'll understand.

It all started when I laid down in my bed before brushing my teeth at night.  We all know how powerful the bed is when you're sleepy.  Once you're laying down it is nearly impossible to get up again.  But there is another force almost equally as powerful.  That force is the clean, satisfied feeling you get when you lay in bed after having brushed your teeth.  I think my dilemma is probably clear.  I didn't want to get out of bed, but I didn't want to go to sleep without brushing my teeth.

This is when I started using persuasive tactics to convince Robyn that she should brush my teeth.  I started explaining how I clearly couldn't do it myself.  I tried to help her understand that it would be such a terrible tragedy if I had to get out of bed.  To my surprise, she agreed to brush my teeth.  She grabbed my tube (We have separate toothpaste, for marital harmony.  Also because she uses a special toothpaste for sensitive teeth.  But mostly for marital harmony.  We can both squeeze it from wherever we like.) She exclaimed, "You don't have any toothpaste left."

This is what she was looking at:

You see, it looks like it's been squeezed to the max.  But the toothpaste miracle is that you can always squeeze out enough to brush your teeth just one more time.  It's looked like this for at least a month.  I'm pretty sure I can go a few more weeks before I throw it away.  Even when I throw it away I will know in my heart that I could have gone one more time, if I'd just squeezed it a little harder.

So I explained the miracle to Robyn.  She gave it a good squeeze and then proceeded to come at me with a loaded toothbrush.  At this point I had many regrets.  I regretted making the request that she brush my teeth.  I also regretted explaining the toothpaste miracle to her.  I expressed my regrets and told her I would brush my own teeth.  She said it was too late, I had sealed my fate.

What happened next was right out of an action movie.  You know how there's always the bad guy with a knife and the hero has to hold the villain's arm so that he doesn't get stabbed while he struggles to disarm his foe?  That's what happened, only the knife was a toothbrush, I was the hero and Robyn was the villain.  I successfully disarmed her (or debrushed her) and she went away grumbling something about how she was only trying to help.

Then, with great effort, I got out of bed and went to the sink to brush my teeth.  At least I didn't have to squeeze the toothpaste tube.  But, don't worry.  There will always be enough for one more time.

The Making of a Blue Man

Did I mention I love Halloween?  Well, this year my costume idea turned out to be a little more ambitious than in past years.  I just really wanted to be a blue man.

I think i pulled it off pretty well.  But the process turned out to be much more involved than I originally thought.  I started out looking like this:

Not a Blue Man

There are a few problems with the above picture.  Such as:
1. I'm not blue.  I'm rather white.
2. I have hair.

We decided to tackle the second problem first.  The first step was to trim my hair down so it would be easier to shave.

White man with short hair is not equal to blue man

That step wasn't too scary.  I normally cut my hair pretty short.  The next step was new for me.  I needed to shave my head.  So, I had to lather up with shave gel.

Precious? Yes.  Blue Man? No.

Robyn helped out quite a bit.  She was the one who actually ran the razor over every inch of my head.  The result was a completely bald Jeff.

I could have stopped here and gone as Mr. Clean

Finally, with no hair to get in the way I could begin the application of makeup.

This was the beginning of a ridiculously long process

Fast forward about five years later.  While I was applying my makeup, Robyn was putting together her costume.  I think we were officially the cutest couple ever.

Who would have thought that Cindy Lou Who would grow up to fall in love with a Blue Man?

The Aftermath
We went to a party with some friends, where I was able to share my blueness.  When I got home, I hopped in the shower and discovered the makeup was a little more difficult to remove than I thought.  I eventually got the hang of applying soap, makeup remover and plenty of elbow grease.  When I got out of the shower, I had cleaned up my skin for the most part, but it turned out my eyebrows were a little more difficult.

I was hoping it would be a permanent look.

Robyn said my blue eyebrows were unacceptable for bed.  She felt that our entire bed would turn blue if I had blue eyebrows.  I didn't feel that was true. But since I didn't try it, I can neither confirm nor deny the veracity of the blue bed theory.

Her belief in the blue bed theory was very strong so she got out the makeup removal kit and proceeded to scrub my eyebrows while I played on facebook.  It was a little awkward, but we both got what we wanted.  I wanted to play on facebook and she wanted my eyebrows to cease being blue.  Talk about a win/win.

In the end, it was a lot of work, but the awesomeness was totally worth it.  Now it's time to start planning next year's costume.

The Haunted Date

This week I went on a date. It wasn't with my wife. That was my sensationalist opening line that's supposed to draw you in. Are you drawn in? If not, there's not much I can do to keep you around. I'll just cut my losses and send you to see dancing badgers.

For the rest of you that are still around, I have a story to tell. You see, I love Halloween. I love scary movies. I love wearing cool costumes. Most of all, I love haunted houses. When I was single, one of my most beloved traditions was that every year I would take a girl to a haunted house. I went with the hopes that something would frighten me, but it was important to take a girl so that I could be amused when she was frightened, even if I wasn't.

I always figured I would find someone who I would fall in love with and take her to a haunted house every year for the rest of my life.  (Ahh the naivete of youth)  Then I met Robyn. It turned out I loved her even though she is much too frightened of haunted houses. Naturally, we got married.

The sad part of the story is that I hadn't been to a haunted house since beginning to date Robyn. (She did try to go to a haunted house. That's how much she loves me. But it didn't really work out.)

But then I saw a commercial for the Haunted Circus. The commercial was seriously creepy. I knew deep down in my soul that I needed to go. I also knew that it was important to bring a girl for screaming purposes and that girl wasn't going to be my wife. That's when I got the brilliant idea to ask my little sister Mellen (Her name is MariEllen but I call her Mellen because that's how I roll.) on a date. We had lots of fun. She even screamed properly when she was supposed to.

This is how precious we looked before we went in.

I have a few other pictures to share.  At my wife's request, I am not posting them directly, you'll have to follow links.  Remember that one time I had that creepy night visitor? Remember how I told the story and posted some creepy images to go along with it? I got in big trouble for that.  Robyn made it clear that I am not allowed to be scary on my blog or else she will never read it again.  She told me she doesn't want to see any pictures from the haunted circus.  So I am respecting that and only linking to them. (But be warned.  They're not very scary.  So click on them at your own risk.)

When we got there, there was a giant creepy clown roaming around the entrance.  I asked him if I could have a picture with him.  Mellen said that having him pose for a picture ruined his creepiness.

Later, I made Mellen pose with a creepy clown.

Then she had me pose with one. She told me I didn't look scared enough, so this is my scared face.

We had good times together.  She clearly wasn't the most screamy girl there, but I was totally okay with that. There was one part where we came out of one of the circus trailers and there was a guy standing there with an ax.  I commented that he was kind of creepy and Mellen agreed.  He said he was offended by that, and was going to have to chop off her head.  I tried to explain to him that that kind of rhetoric might be the reason that he's coming off as creepy.  He didn't seem to want to reason with me.

I did actually get frightened a couple times.  There was one strange headless creature that ran at me and really surprised me.  I didn't scream or anything, I just kind of giggled.  Mellen said it was really funny.  After the initial shock wore off I told the creature that I really liked him and I gave him a high five.

All in all, it was an excellent date.  Mellen and I agreed that we need to make it an annual event.  Aren't sisters great?