Monday, July 1, 2013

Dentists Should Sell Cars

Dentists should sell cars.  They really should.  Or, perhaps they should sell something harder, like vacuum cleaners.  I don't know what they should sell, perhaps the pain that they're currently peddling is the most lucrative.  All I know is that my dentist is an incredible salesman.

Here is my story.

I just had some fancy new teeth installed.  At least that's the way I choose to see it.  Because the traditional way of looking at it (that I had 2 crowns put on) doesn't seem worth the pain, or the money.

But somehow my dentist sold me on it.  He's got to be the best salesman there ever was.

You see, about a month ago I went in for my normal 6 month checkup.  Apparently I had developed cavities in some teeth that already had 20 year old fillings.  The decay was around the fillings, so they were going to need to take the whole thing out and replace it with a crown, but both teeth were like that, so it is 2 crowns.

I'm trying to remember how they convince me to go through with it.  I don't remember any fantastic sales pitch, but the following conversation is how it must have gone down:

The dentist addresses me, "Your teeth are so retro.  It's like they were installed in the nineties.  You really should look at getting them upgraded."

"What kind of upgrades are available?"

"We have this new technology, we call it a 'crown', it's just like a regular tooth, only it's fake.  But don't worry, there's no root canal involved.  We'll leave your root there, you'll be fully able to feel pain.  Not just normal pain, but pain you can't currently comprehend."

"So, it will do exactly what my current tooth does, but with more pain involved?"

"Exactly.  It will be able to chew.  But wait, there's more.  It will look exactly like your old tooth, and it will function exactly like your old tooth, but it will be just barely different.  Just enough that it will seem strange in your mouth, but such a tiny change that you might think you're crazy, because you can't even quantify what is different."

"So how is that an upgrade?  Shouldn't it come with Bluetooth?  Or Wifi?  Or something?  Maybe little lasers that kill plaque?"

"I'm a dentist, not a computer technician.  No, it won't do anything cool.  It will just hurt a lot.  But, if you don't do it, your current tooth will eventually hurt.  Probably not as much as the pain we're gonna cause, but I'm sure down the road you'll have mild discomfort."

"Well, that was convincing.  What do I have to do?"

"It's quite simple really.  First, we take this drill, and we cut your existing tooth down to a tiny nub.  This is important, because we want your nerve to be as close to the surface as possible.  This will help in making sure that your tooth is very sensitive to cold.  After we have destroyed your original tooth, we will glue on a temporary crown, that is nothing like an actual tooth.  Your shiny, new, crown, the one that is barely different from your current tooth, will come in a couple weeks.  I know the drill sounds painful, but don't worry, we'll numb your entire face to the point where you are drooling all over yourself and you look like you had a stroke.  The real pain comes later, as you grapple with this extremely sensitive tooth."

"Wow, that sounds like fun.  How much does it cost?"

"That's the best part!  Normally, I would ask for your first born child, but I like you.  So today only, I'm willing to give you the whole thing for $1000."

"Wow!  What a deal!  I can trade in my current tooth that doesn't hurt at all, for one that is insanely sensitive to the cold and that will ache for the next several weeks and all it will cost me is $1000?  Sign me up!"

That's when I signed on the dotted line.  If he can sell me unending pain for $1000, imagine what he could sell in an industry where they actually offer things that are pleasant.
Act now and I'll throw in a root canal.


  1. i hope your dentist reads your blog.

    1. I also hope that. But, somehow I doubt it.

  2. I'm sorry you still hurt. Hopefully there are some unseen benefits to the upgrade.

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  4. Sorry... there was a spelling error:

    I'm glad that I'm not the only one who thinks it's a racket when my tooth didn't hurt before they do work and then it hurts forever after they do the work.

    Sorry that you are in pain, but glad I'm not alone in the world.

  5. I think all dentist's should read your blog. I don't know that it would help much but it would just be nice to know they read it.

  6. You need to go to a dentist who does Cerec crowns my experience was amazing. Just felt a little strange after. I'm sorry your experience wasn't pleasant.

  7. So, does this mean you officially revoke your blog post entitled "I Like My Dentist"?

    1. No, I think I still stand by that post. I suppose my standards are pretty low for dentists, all they have to do is not make it seem like I'm in a horror movie, and they have definitely achieved that.

      They've actually been really good. They wrote me a prescription for the pain, and the dentist has even called me to check up on me. They said the residual pain and sensitivity to cold is normal.

      The only thing I can really complain about is that I would have liked a heads up that it's going to be painful for a few months. I might have chosen to delay the work until after our upcoming vacation. Oh well, I guess next time I'll just have to ask about that.

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