Friday, May 20, 2011

The Garbage Conspiracy

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I think there's a conspiracy going on.  (Maybe that makes me a conspiracy theorist, I guess I was a closeted conspiracy theorist until moments ago.)

Here's the deal.  Someone doesn't want me to be able to rid my house of garbage.  I don't know why, it doesn't make sense.  I've written before about someone stealing our trash can.  That was in our old house, now our new tenants have to deal with that problem.  But somehow, the puppet master behind this conspiracy has taken things to a higher level in our new residence.

Let's start at the beginning.  It's a very good place to start.

You see, Robyn and I took possession of our new house on a Saturday.  Lehi city isn't open on Saturday so I couldn't sign up for utilities (including trash service).  We had a vacation planned the next week.  I tried calling the city, while on vacation, to sign up but they required that you appear in person.  (Dumbest thing ever, clearly part of the conspiracy to stop me being able to eliminate garbage.)

The next week I showed up in person, paid them money and got things started.  I assumed that since the trash service only picks up their special cans (the ones that are designed for their trucks to lift with giant robotic arms) they would give me one of those cans.  I waited 4 or 5 days for them to be delivered.  Nothing.

I called them and asked 'why?' They said I never got on the list.  I thought the money I paid was to get me on the list.  At any rate, they put me on the list, and still didn't deliver the trash can until a week later, the day after garbage day.

At this point I finally have the trash can and it has been 3 weeks.  A week later on trash day, I put the can out before I left for work.  It turns out the truck either came at like 7 AM or it just skipped over my can.  I was so frustrated.  I figured I'd just leave my can on the street, that way whatever weirdness comes up, whether they come on a different day or ridiculously early in the morning, I would be prepared.

I came home from work the next day and the can had been moved from the street to my side yard.  Either someone was really offended that my trash can was on the street on a day other than trash day, or the trash conspirators are watching my every move. (It was probably moved by some magical being, serving the conspirators.  You know, like elves, gremlins or Eskimos.)

This Tuesday, I don't care what happens.  I'm going to get my trash picked up.  Although, maybe Tuesday will never come.  I hear the world is supposed to end tomorrow (May 21st).  Maybe that's part of the conspiracy.


  1. I wouldn't take your trash either if I was Lehi City. Your trash is dangerous. Maybe you should start burning your trash. That has work well for other people in the past.

  2. I'm usually ready to debunk any conspiracy theory I hear, but I think you have something here! If my trash was not picked up today then I'm really going to start considering that other theory about the world ending tomorrow. If I don't talk to you ever again, good luck and God speed!

  3. I hate to say this but you garbage is going to be missed next week as well. You see, I've been doing some calculating. Since the last day of this month is a Tuesday (important because the people in the Bible celebrated the last day of each month by switching to the next month on the day after) and the Egyptian pyramids have 4 sides (again they appear in the Bible) your garbage will be missed for the first 4 weeks in May. So don't even try next Tuesday assuming we are still alive.

  4. Sweetheart, I moved the can back up the driveway because I was embarrassed to have the garbage out all week. I was planning on taking in out for you. I'm sorry I am not a magical creature but I am still pretty cute!

  5. My own wife is part of the conspiracy. This is much worse than I imagined.

  6. Maybe you should just fill your neighbors trash cans with your trash, then they won't figure out it is yours and pick it up. Disguise always works well:) By the way, I loved the picture!

  7. As a leader of the eskimo people, I blame gremlins.

  8. Good news. They picked up the trash this morning. I have defeated the conspirators.

  9. Thank you for the line from one of my all-time favorite movies (The Sound of Music.) Made me SO happy.

    That's a lot of accumulated garbage! Ahhhh.

  10. 3 wks is enough to stew some STANKY trash. Especially if you have diapers in your trash, which I'm guessing you don't...but it's never safe to assume.

    This past winter because of ice storms, our trash service didn't pick up for 3 we were barricaded in the house for much of that time...= extra trash.



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