Tuesday, May 10, 2011

My Secret Weapon

There are some things you should know about me before  I explain my secret weapon.

1. I hate shopping.
2. I like food.  A Lot.  No, seriously.  A LOT.

These two attributes are not fully compatible.  Acquiring food generally requires going to a store.  When I was single I would try to go shopping for food as infrequently as possible.  This meant that I would need to buy a lot of food when I was there.

Imagine if you lived deep in the desert.  When food became very scarce you would make the long, arduous journey to the oasis where food is plentiful.  Once you get there, you're not just going to get a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk.  You may not be back again this year.  You need to get everything necessary to sustain life.  You need Hot Pockets.  You need ice cream sandwiches.  (You can't have a lot of fresh food without returning to the store frequently.)

Now let's fast forward to the present.  Now that I'm married, Robyn generally does the shopping.  But every once in a while she might get to thinking that I should do some shopping.  That's where my secret weapon comes in.

That's right.  I threaten her with a sheep armed to the teeth.  Okay, not really.  It's just an awesome picture.

My real secret weapon is my will to survive.  You see, in the beginning of our marriage I went with her to go shopping.  As we wandered the oasis with endless supplies of food, I filled our cart to prepare for the long winter in between now and the next time we go shopping.

Robyn's thoughts on shopping are different than mine.  She likes to go at least once a week.  Sometimes she'll go twice in the same week. (Gasp!)  I know it sounds insane, but it's true.

Apparently in her paradigm I spend too much money when we go shopping.  Just tonight, I offered to go shopping with her. (That is love.)  She declined.  She said, "It's too expensive when you come along."

And that, my friends, is my secret weapon.


  1. This makes me laugh. Now I have to do my own shopping again... But when Dann used to do it, I required an ice cream cone. Wandering the aisles for days and days isn't so bad if you have ice cream. :)

  2. Just be glad I come back with your chocolate milk each week.

  3. I think that's a common weapon among those with an aversion to shopping. (most husbands)

  4. Jeff you are always so expensive. And you have candy in your room from way before you got married. If you need hard candy to survive you will always be alive.

  5. Since my wife wants to eat every meal out, I have to do all the shopping. Somebody has to watch the budget.

    Of course, she accuses me of only buying things that I like, so we eat out most of the time anyway. Thats why we have no retirement savings. On the plus side, I don't have to cook.

  6. It's a great secret weapon but now it's not secret. I hate to tell you this but I think that weapon comes from the genes, or maybe the y chromosome, any way you're not alone.

  7. This was an excellent post.

    I don't particularly like shopping either, but food shopping is SO DIFFERENT. I hate spending money, but I love going to the grocery store for some reason!! (And now that I live with my parents, they just reimburse me for the food I buy for the family--it's AWESOME.) I try to go every other week though. Once or twice a week is definitely going overboard! Haha


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