Thursday, May 26, 2011

Oldy Moldy

I'm not sure when it happened. I suppose it was gradual, but it just seemed like I woke up one morning and discovered I was old. Tomorrow I'll be turning 30. I know there are those of you that believe that 30 is not very old. I understand your concern, that's why I've prepared a portfolio of supporting evidence.

This is me with one week of age progression
My music is too darn loud
The other day I was driving to work.   I turned on the radio.  Keep in mind, this was a station of my choosing.  And yet, when the music came on I mumbled to myself, "It's just too darn loud."  Ya, I really used that phrase in a self mumble.  "Too darn loud."  That is an oldy moldy statement.  Like a proper old person, I then turned it to some classical music.

My wife is a teacher
When I was a child and went to school, I remember thinking how teachers were universally old.  Somehow my teachers seemed older than my parents or any other adults.  My parents were real people, they ate and slept and stuff.  Teachers just lived at school, they weren't even real people.  They were like what you become when you're too old to be a regular person.  Now that I'm old myself, and I'm married to a teacher, I now realize that teachers are actually human.  But somewhere in the back of my mind is the thought that if I married a teacher I must be really old.  Besides, I visited her classroom.  The kids called me "Mr. Stockett".  Back before I was old, that wasn't my name.  My name used to be Jeff.

My beard has white hair

I posted the picture of my beard on facebook. One of my friends commented and said, "Is that gray hair I see in your beard?" My response was filled with the sadness that comes when you realize the truth. "Nope, it's straight up white." If that isn't old age I don't know what is.

I fell asleep in church
For most of my life I've been an insomniac.  I've had a hard time getting to sleep at night, so I would stay up all hours of the night.  The one advantage to not being able to sleep, even in a bed, is that there's no threat of falling asleep while driving or while sitting in church.  Well, this past Sunday, it happened.  I just closed my eyes for a bit and suddenly I heard myself snore.  The snore woke me up.  I was offended at myself.  I was quite disconcerted.  This was the crowning moment in my journey toward old age.  I think everything else is downhill.

In conclusion (Does anyone really ever say "In conclusion"?  I always used it at the end of my papers in high school.  That's why I'm using it now so that I can capture my younger years.)

In conclusion, I have shown you indisputable evidence that I am old.  But don't cry for me Argentina.

Being old doesn't have to be sad.  In fact, in celebration of my oldness, Robyn and I are on our way to Las Vegas.  How better could I celebrate my birthday?  I plan to see sharks, pirates, blue men, fountains, cactus, drunk people, people that aren't good at math (you have to be bad at math to gamble), advertisements for indiscreet things(I'm already practicing diverting my eyes away from the indiscreetness), and most importantly, delicious buffets.  So stay tuned, I'll probably share more about the getting old celebration sometime soon.


  1. Good thing you are so old. If you ever need to remember what it is like to be young you can call and talk to me. I am still the epitome of youth. My name is still Jared W, and my beard is dark. I also don't use the phrase "What in tarnation!" So call me and you will feel so young again.

  2. The truth is, you never left argentina

    I pulled out 3 white hairs just this morning. I swear the white ones show up first.

  3. I don't think you are old. Wade is old. You are just middle aged. When you hit forty, you are old!

  4. Thank you for making my day even though it's YOUR birthday, not mine! I couldn't stop laughing throughout this post!!! I think it'll be on my mind for the rest of the week. Hahahaha happy birthday!

  5. Two thumbs up from the Anderson team. Thanks for keeping us laughing, even as we near old age, too. Hope your Vegas adventure brings more stories.

  6. You actually used the phrase, "Too darn loud," in a self-mutter??

    That's just awesome.
    And old.

  7. I remember seeing my teacher in the grocery store one time and feeling like I had seen Santa Claus. Yup. Teachers are sooo old :>


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