Monday, April 8, 2013

The Incredible Vanishing Bum

I don't have a bum.

It's a reality I've come to live with.  I have zero junk in the trunk.  There's plenty of junk everywhere else, but the trunk is entirely empty.

This is my body shape
As you can see, I have more than enough belly.  But it pretty much goes straight down on the back side.

This has always been a difficult issue for me.  My belly likes to push downward on my pants.  However, where most people can rely on their bum to fight the downward forces of the belly and help to hold the pants up, I have no bum to speak of.  So I am always having to pull up my pants, regardless of how tight my belt is.

That's how my situation has been for a long time.  Well, recently I've been working really hard to control my diet and do more exercise.  I've had a good amount of success.  I've lost about 25 pounds and I weigh less than I did on my wedding day.  That's the good news.  The bad news is, I'm pretty sure that 20 pounds of that has come out of my bum.

I don't have any empirical evidence to prove that number.  But here's my entirely non scientific proof.

1.  My belly still looks the same size to me.
2.  Every item of clothing that is supposed to go around my waist totally falls off now.
3.  (This is the most compelling evidence)  My bum totally hurts if I sit for longer than 20 minutes.  It feels like I'm sitting directly on bones.

This is what I envision is happening in my body.

Subordinate Officer:  Sir, we appear to be burning more calories than we are bringing in.  Request we use some fat stores.
Chief Metabolism Officer: You have my permission to use the fat from the trunk area.
Subordinate:  Sir, that area has a very limited supply.  Shouldn't we leave some to be used as a cushion for sitting?  Request permission to use fat from the belly.
Chief:  The belly?  Are you talking about his snuggle tummy?  Permission denied!

(My 8 year old niece told me she doesn't want my snuggle tummy to get any smaller.)

I'm looking for a new chief metabolism officer.  I'm not really sure who hired him, but I fear that if his behavior continues I'm going to look like this.

I could have the first concave bum in history.


  1. This totally made me LOL. Fire the CMO immediately!

    1. I know, right? You'd think I would be in charge of hiring for such positions, but no one ever consulted me.

  2. Jeff, your illustrations are the greatest in blog history.

    1. I'm excited to have made the history books!

  3. Haha... I know that some of us girls have a related problem of losing weight in our chest first. This is especially problematic cause a shrinking chest ceases to balance out the gut and makes the tummy seem even bigger. Not super motivational to keep the diet up!

    1. At least I don't have to be concerned about my chest. I can at least be consoled with that fact.

  4. Maybe you could stuff a pillow down the back of your shorts?

  5. Wade has the same problem. I think I'll buy Wade some suspenders. Lol

  6. Concave bum?! Very interesting!!

  7. I read this out loud to Doug. We were dyingggg.

    I know someone who has no bum and it causes her lots of pain. I think she has some special pillow she sits on.


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