The Worst Thing that Could Ever Happen

You know those things that you see happen to other people where you're super sad for them but a part of you is secretly glad that it didn't happen to you?  You know how another part of you quietly acknowledges that at some point it's going to be you that has the bad thing happen?

Well, it finally came around to me.  The worst thing that could ever happen actually happened.

I completely shattered the screen of my brand new iPhone.

I know.  I shouldn't have just dropped a bomb on you like that.  I'll give you a moment to gather yourself together.  Take a moment.  Think happy thoughts.  Take a deep breath.  

Are you okay?  

So here's how it happened.  I was getting ready for my morning walk.  I was all decked out with my 2 jackets, my gloves and my hat.  I was ready to brave the early morning Utah cold and get in some good exercise.  I walked out the front door, pulled my phone out of my pocket to start Runkeeper, and suddenly the phone leaped from my fingers.  

It was sort of like in The Lord of the Rings when the ring betrays Isildur and jumps off of his finger.  (If you don't understand that reference, go sit in the corner and read one of the greatest works of literature ever written, and I'd like a 500 word essay about Isildur's Bane on my desk tomorrow morning.)

The phone fell from my fingers, fell beyond my feet on to the top stair, then for good measure it bounced once and hit the ground again.  You know how in movies when something like that happens the protagonist yells, "Noooooo!" in slow motion and everything slows down as you see it hit the ground?  Well, it totally didn't happen like that because in real life time doesn't slow down.  But I did say, "Oh no!".

It landed upside down so I couldn't see whether it was damaged.  I've dropped it many times before.  (That's how I roll.)  So I thought (hoped) it might have remained safe from destruction.  I picked it up and looked at it, and it looked like this.

My heart filled with sadness.  I thought of how sad I would be to have to look at those cracks for 2 years until I'm ready to upgrade to a new phone.  

I contacted the Apple Store.  It turns out that they have a magical alchemy that allows them to convert money into uncracked glass.  I made an appointment, gave them $109 (I know, it's expensive but it's better than the ten billion it would cost to buy a new phone) and let them perform their wizardry.

I was a happy boy.

I have to tell you, handing over my phone was a bit unnerving.  The Apple Store guy was verifying my contact information before I handed it over.  I wanted to explain to him that there will be no way to contact me.  I'm about to go dark for an hour while you fix this.  

It turned out I completely survived without my phone for a full hour.  

Pro tip:  Next time, I'll bring my Kindle.

The Hardest Part About Christmas

I love Christmas.  I really do.  I love every little thing about it.  I love Christmas parties.  I love ordering presents for people on Amazon.  I love feeling like I'm opening presents when I open all the Amazon boxes, even though it's all stuff for other people.  I love spending time with family.  I love eating all the little treats, even though it makes my weight loss for the year very anticlimactic.

I love reading the Christmas story from the Bible.  I love looking at the snow on a white Christmas (even though this year I'll be in California, where there is no such thing).  I love opening presents Christmas morning.  I love the look on someone's face when they are surprised by the perfect gift.

In short, I just plain love Christmas.

But there is one aspect that I don't like.

In fact, you might say I more than dislike it.  I despise this one thing.

I hate wrapping presents.  There, I said it.

It's not something I've done a lot of in my life.  When I was much younger, I would hire my sister to do the job.  She did excellent work for somewhere around 25 cents per present.  Since then things have changed, she's become a phlebotomist (it means she sucks blood for a living, similar to a vampire except that "for a living" means "for money" in her case, and not "for nutritional content").  It turns out that phlebotomists are not willing to work for 25 cents per present.  Her rates went up, and priced me out of the market.

Amazon does gift wrapping, but it's $3.50 per present.  If I wanted to pay that, I'd hire a phlebotomist.

My wife is a saint, and she takes on the responsibility of doing all the wrapping of presents that we give to other people.  But who does the wrapping of presents that I give to my wife?

That falls to me.

It turns out wrapping presents is hard.

When Robyn wraps presents there's all sorts of cutesiness.

There are snazzy things like bows, and the tag is written in some sort of cute font that is not supported by my hand.

The corners are tight, and there are no unsightly bulges.

When I wrap presents, it's a whole different ball game.  Part of the problem is that making things pretty is not exactly my forte.  I understand the whole "conceal the gift" idea, but I feel that would be much better accomplished by just wrapping it in duct tape, don't you think?

I mean, people wrap gifts and the whole thing is held together with one tiny piece of tape.  Doesn't that just shout "INSECURE!"  to you?  When I wrap something, I want it to withstand the apocalypse.  But a securely wrapped present is not socially acceptable to place under the tree.

Aside from my yearning to use too much tape, I'm pretty sure I also use too much wrapping paper.  Or maybe not.  I don't even know.  All I know is that "unsightly bulges" are a way of life for me when wrapping gifts.

And when I write on the tag, not only am I using a way outdated font, but apparently I can't even remember whose name goes where.

It's clear that the hardest part about Christmas is wrapping presents.  And the hardest part about wrapping presents is knowing that I could be outdone by a toddler.

But maybe I could afford a toddler's rates.  Does anyone know a toddler who is looking for work?  Preferably one that doesn't plan to become a phlebotomist?

Worst Things Ever 2013

I recently came upon this post from one of my favorite blogs.  I thought it might be a good idea to completely steal his idea of posting a list of the worst things ever.  (I am doing so shamelessly)

Also, I called it the "Worst Things Ever 2013" in case I need to post more worst things ever in other years.  Do I recognize the irony of calling it "worst things ever", which implies that there can't possibly be anything worse, and then attaching a year, which implies its only the worst things of this year?  Yes, I recognize that irony, I revel in it.

Enjoy.

1. When people say "literally" when they mean "figuratively"
2.  When your zipper is stuck
3.  Sand in your swimsuit
4.  It's cold enough in the morning that you need a heater, but hot enough in the afternoon you need the air conditioning
5.  Your cell phone battery runs out
6.  Standing in line to go to the bathroom
7.  Sweat on my forehead
8.  The blue screen of death
9. This

10.  Bacon Soda (Especially bad because it taints the name of bacon)
11.  When people say "irregardless"
12.  When the milk smells funny
13.  Socks (I think the worst part of wearing shoes may be putting on socks first)
14.  When there aren't enough free samples at Costco
15.  When Darth Vader says, "How is that possible?" (about Luke Skywalker being his son) and you think the Emperor is going to explain the birds and the bees to him.
16.  When your clothes blow off
17. This

18.  When Greedo shoots first
19.  Error 404: Page not found
20.  "Thank you Mario!  But our Princess is in another castle!"

Is there anything I missed?  Feel free to share your worst things in the comments.