The Day the Wind Blew My Clothes Off

It would appear that both Robyn and I should stay indoors when the wind is blowing.  Because, try as we might, we are unable to stay fully clothed if the wind gets strong enough.

The above title may not be 100% accurate.  The wind didn't actually blow my clothes off.  But the wind was blowing, and as an indirect result, I lacked clothes.  So I felt it was close enough that you wouldn't begrudge me the use of the sensationalist title.  Plus, I thought it would be a good sequel to my post from last year about when the wind blew my wife's clothes off.

To set the stage for this story, you first need to understand that I have no bum.  I sat down to write this post Sunday evening, and I realized my bumlessness was an important factoid you needed to understand, so I wrote that post instead.

Also, with my recent lifestyle change where I'm trying to be more healthy, one of the things I've been doing is walking on the treadmill each morning before work.  We have a TV in front of the treadmill and I can watch various forms of amusement while I exercise.  Right next to the TV is a window that happens to look directly into my neighbor's backyard.

Okay, so here's the story.

The other morning, there was some crazy wind.  I was walking on my treadmill, minding my own business, when I saw something very large blow into my neighbor's backyard.  My first thought was, "Wow, somebody lost something big."  My second thought was, "Wait, that is ours.  We lost something big."

We recently put together some grow boxes so we could have a garden in our back yard.  We put in fresh mulch and put some big cardboard pieces on top to help keep the soil from drying out.

Those large cardboard pieces had decided to vacate our yard and visit our neighbors.

Naturally, I ran outside in hopes of capturing them before they went too far.

Our neighbors had the excellent foresight to have some big bushes in their backyard.  These bushes captured these cardboard sheets so that I could retrieve them.  I grabbed the sheets and did my best to make my way back to my own yard.

Did I mention it was windy?  Did I mention the cardboard sheets were large?  I've never felt like the wind could blow me away until this moment.

I'm a sailor.  I sail.

It turns out the principles behind sailing apply whether you're in a boat, or just standing there.  The best I could do was plant my feet and not move.  I was successfully not blowing away, but I realized I probably couldn't just stand there and wait for the wind to stop.

I devised a strategy to turn my body around so that the sail would be blowing into me instead of trying to carry me away.  I was able to get turned around, and my strategy worked.  There was still a lot of wind resistance, and movement wasn't exactly easy, but at least I could walk.

Now is the time when you need to remember that I have no bum.  The shorts I wear on the treadmill are the same ones I wear to bed.  They are intentionally loose fitting for maximum comfort.  But since I am more bumless than I was a few months ago, they are especially loose fitting.  (I've taken to hiking them up over my belly while on the treadmill.  I'm sure it's a fantastic sight.)

As I started walking, while simultaneously being tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine, I suddenly realized something that was very disheartening.  My shorts were around my ankles.

By this time I had made my way to my own front yard, which is an excellent place to be standing with your pants around your ankles while fighting the wind to keep yourself vertical.  The other issue was that my hands were somewhat occupied holding onto the cardboard sheet.

I did my best to pull my shorts back up without letting go of the cardboard or blowing away myself.  I slowly waddled my way to the back yard where I restored the cardboard to its home.

If I'd have thought of the rocks beforehand, I could have remained fully clothed.

The Time the Wind Blew my Wife's Clothes Off

The following story is true.  It is also quite humorous.  At the time, under no circumstances was I permitted to laugh.  But now that it's been a while and Robyn is not quite as embarrassed, she is now willing to admit that it was quite funny.

You see, we had driven to the Pali lookout here in Hawaii.  It is a cliff that overlooks the majority of the island of Oahu.  It is a beautiful view of the jungle, mountains and ocean.  We had been enjoying the view when I noticed a particularly strong gust of wind.

I asked Robyn to take a picture of me to show just how windy it was. Robyn obliged and took this picture.

There are some things you should know about the above picture.

First, I know it looks like I just wore really wrinkled clothes.  While I do do that on occasion, this time the wrinkles are due to some serious wind.

Second, this picture is not what the story is about.  The real story is what happened behind the camera.

You see, like a dutiful wife, Robyn took my picture.  While doing so, a gust of wind came along and caused quite a ruckus.  (I'm not entirely sure that ruckus is a word, but the editor didn't do the little red underline thing so I'm going with it.)

Before I explain the nature of the ruckus, I need to help you understand the clothing Robyn was wearing.  This is Robyn at Pearl Harbor, earlier that day.

There are a few things you should notice about this picture:
First, Robyn is very precious.  But that's normal.
Second, she is wearing a blue sleeveless dress with a white sweater over the top.
Third, the white sweater dips down quite low and is also somewhat see through, so she probably wouldn't want to wear the white sweater by itself.

Keep those important facts in mind as I tell you the story of what happened behind the camera when the first picture above was taken.

So, after she snapped the shot she started screaming.  (Not the blood curdling, "I'm being murdered" scream but the little yelp that indicates something quite surprising is occurring.)  Accompanied with the scream she started saying things about her dress.

I thought she was concerned that something like this would happen:

Well,  unfortunately that's not what happened.  But to help you understand what did happen, I've hired a world renowned artist.

First, the wind caught hold of her long dress and pulled it between her legs.

Note: This extremely accurate drawing is not of Medusa.  Her hair was really blowy.

It started flapping in the wind, and the more it flapped, the more downward pressure was being put on the dress.  Pretty soon, it went from being a dress to being a skirt.

Note:  This awesome drawing is not anatomically correct.

At this point I realized there may be a problem.  I corralled her over to a nearby wall, and I tried to form a human shield while she dressed herself once again.  I gave other people the "There's nothing to see here, move along" look.  It was very effective.

Once Robyn got her clothes back on, I figured it was time to admit that what happened was pretty funny.  It turns out that was too soon.  I had a cranky wife for a bit.

But when we got back to where we're staying that night, we discussed how our adventures for the day had been a real success.  I mean, we all remained fully clothed for almost the entire day.  If that's not success I don't know what is.