Miss Robison and the Dread Pirate Roberts

My mind is a strange place, it seems.  This is something I already know, because I have the opportunity to live in my mind 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  My wife can also attest to this.  There have been enough times that she has asked, "What are you thinking?" and received an honest answer, that she knows full well how strange my mind can be.

However, none of that can prepare a person for realizing how strange a place my mind is when I'm asleep.

I don't remember my dreams very often, but when I do, they're usually pretty good.  I thought this one was a particular gem.

Enjoy:

You know how in dreams you know certain things, even though it doesn't really make sense?  Well, in this dream we were staying with a good friend of mine.  The house didn't look anything like their house, but I just knew that it was their house.

Also, even though this is not true of this individual's home in real life, in the dream it only had one bathroom.  That is important, because in the opening scene of this dream I am getting in the shower.

Another fact that you may want to know is that when I was growing up, we only had one bathroom in our house.  With 7 people and 1 bathroom, you learn to tolerate slightly less privacy then you would otherwise be comfortable with.  It was not uncommon for someone to use the toilet while someone else was in the shower.  You just both agree to not look beyond the curtain, and all is well.  (Now Robyn and I live in a house with 2 people and 2 bathrooms.  Child Jeff would marvel at my ability to choose between multiple bathrooms.  Yes, child Jeff, dreams do come true.)

Enough background story, back to the dream.  As I was showering, the knowledge came to me that not only did this house have only 1 bathroom, but they were following the cultural norms about less privacy that I did as a child.

It seemed that hundreds of people kept coming to use the bathroom, one after another.  However, unlike my childhood, there was not a shower curtain to hide behind.  I was in one of those showers that are just surrounded by glass.  It was super awkward.  None of the people seemed concerned with the fact that I could see whatever they were doing, but I was very concerned with my own lack of privacy.

Eventually, I just couldn't handle it anymore.  I wrapped a towel around myself and marched out of the bathroom.  (I know that marching out in my towel doesn't exactly help my privacy situation, but these are the wise choices that dream Jeff makes.)  Once I was out of the bathroom and surrounded by the dozens of people that were also staying at this house, I realized that they did, in fact, have a second bathroom and it was currently unused.  (Don't ask me why the number of bathrooms changed so quickly.  Maybe they had a general contractor come over when they realized how many people they had over.)  I quickly ran to that bathroom to finish my shower.

I finished showering and emerged into the house, fresh and clean.

That's when I discovered that this house was expanding at a rapid rate. In addition to growing a second bathroom the house had expanded to gargantuan size.  It was a massive mansion.  I began to explore the structure (because I was no longer surrounded by throngs of people and I wished to discover where they had gone) and I found that there was a whole dance studio where everyone had gathered to watch a competitive dance show.

It was basically Dancing With the Stars, only a lot stranger.

The first couple to come out and dance consisted of Westley from The Princess Bride (naturally dressed as the Dread Pirate Roberts) and his partner was my 6th grade teacher, Miss Robison.

Remember how I mentioned that in dreams you just know things?  Well, as soon as I saw the Dread Pirate and my beloved teacher, I knew that they had fallen in love during the long time since I had been in sixth grade.  I also knew that they had been married, and were making many precious little dread pirates.

Don't they look so in love?

They danced their hearts out and I was so happy for them, both for their dancing prowess and their clear love for each other.

And we all lived happily (and awkwardly) ever after.

How weird is that?

As always, I welcome your dream interpretations.

The Awkward Dream Dance

I haven't written about any of my dreams in a while, but the other night I had a doozy.

It started out relatively normal.  I was in some sort of a theater prepared to watch a live performance.  As the performers came out on stage, I noticed the majority of them were women, but standing right in the center were two men.  To make it particularly strange, both of the men were guys I had known in high school but I hadn't seen either of them for at least 15 years.  (These were specific guys that I know, but I won't say their names due to the awkwardness of admitting that they randomly appeared in my dream.)

One of them was really tall and skinny, the other was a shorter more heavy set guy.  As if the two of them standing there in the middle of the stage wasn't awkward enough, their lack of congruity in body shape just made it that much of a spectacle.

All the people started dancing.  Some were leaping, some were twirling,  but the two men in the center stood immobile.  I remember thinking in the dream that it was really awkward that they weren't moving at all.  As if in response to my thoughts (because you can do that in dreams since my brain is writing the script anyway) they said in unison, "We represent awkwardness."

But they didn't just say it, they sort of sang it.

As if to illustrate the awkwardness they represented, they each lifted their outer arm into the air.  They each brought the one arm high above their head and arched it until they touched the other person's hand.  The two arms came together to form a heart shape.  It was very precious, and very awkward.

But then things got really weird.  (I know, you thought it was already plenty strange.) Suddenly, I was no longer viewing the dance from the audience, I was part of it.  I don't remember getting out of my seat and walking to the stage.  All I remember is that my view was suddenly much closer.  Then I realized my hands were in the air and I was nodding my head like "Yeah" and moving my hips like "Yeah."

Luckily, someone in the audience had a camera and captured the experience.

Then it was time to move on to our big finish.  Apparently I suddenly knew the choreography because I was totally synchronized with the group.

Since the whole dance was awkward, our big finish was as well.  We all got in a huddle, and we put our heads as close to the center as possible.  We pushed our heads in so far that our faces were squeezed between other faces.  It was true magic how our faces were squeezed but our shoulders weren't.  I don't remember any part of my body even touching another person, but my face was smashed between dozens of faces.

And then it was over.   I woke up.  Our dance was truly magical.  And awkward.  But the magic was over.

As with all my dreams that I share, I now require the people of the internet to interpret my dream.  It probably means I'm awkward, but what deeper meaning can you find?

She Will Catch Up

I haven't shared one of my dreams with you in a while.  I had a pretty good one the other night.  The time has come for you to once again plunge into my unconscious mind.

I haven't talked a ton about it on this blog, but anyone who has spent any time with me in person knows that I'm going on a cruise to Alaska pretty soon.  This may be due to the fact that I refuse to stop talking about it.  I'm doing my best, but it's very difficult.

Anyway, the dream was a clear prediction of the future.

I was on a boat.  The boat was bouncing up and down with the waves.  I looked around and realized that I wasn't on the cruise ship.  But I knew that I was on my Alaska vacation.  I very quickly realized that this was some sort of ferry that was taking us to the actual cruise ship.

This "ferry" was actually a pretty small boat.  It was maybe 20 feet long.  There were probably ten or 12 people on the boat.  I didn't see any luggage or anything.  Perhaps that was located in some sort of cargo hold.

The first thing I realized as I noticed the violent rocking and bumping of the boat was that I wasn't sea sick.  This made me really excited.  I figured if this overly motion filled boat wasn't giving me any problems, I definitely wouldn't have problems on the much larger and more stable cruise ship.

I looked around and saw all the members of my family that are going on the cruise with us.   But then I realized there was someone missing.  My sister-in-law Delta was not there.  Her husband, Zack was, however.  I asked him where she was.

"She slept in and wasn't ready when it was time to go.  I didn't want to miss the boat, so I left."

"What?  How could you leave her?"

"Don't worry, she said she'd catch up."

If my brother wasn't concerned that he went on vacation without his wife, I suppose I shouldn't be, either.  Nevertheless,  I was kind of distraught about the whole situation.  How was she supposed to catch up?  Was she going to fly to our first port?  Was she just going to swim after the boat?

I pondered this for a few moments when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature boat and a precious Delta.

She's so good, she can go at breakneck speeds and her hair doesn't even blow.

She had suddenly appeared, speeding across the water.  Her personal watercraft zipped back and forth, showing off her jet skiing prowess.  She pulled up next to our boat, standing up and steering with one hand. Suddenly, she did some sort of a James Bond move where she flew through the air and landed safely on our boat.  Her PWC drifted away with no pilot.

She came and sat next to Zack.  They snuggled, and looked at me like nothing unusual had happened.  It would seem this sort of thing is completely normal in their marriage.

Zack gave me a look that said, "I told you she would catch up."

I looked at Robyn, she looked at me.  We both shrugged, and we all lived happily ever after.



Okay, dream interpreters.  What does it all mean?  I think it's pretty much just a vision of the future.  What do you think?

Tracting with Obama

Last night I had a really strange dream.  I dreamt (The editor is giving me a red line under 'dreamt', but I just googled it and it is considered correct, so deal with it.)(The editor also put a red line under 'googled'.  Oh well, moving on.) that I was a missionary again.  That is not particularly strange, it has been ten years since I was a missionary and I have at least 2 or 3 missionary dreams every year.

The strange part is that in the dream President Obama was my Mission President.  One can only assume that he joined the Church before becoming my Mission President.  However, he certainly didn't seem all that knowledgeable about the gospel.  Upon my arrival in the mission home, he wanted to go tracting (going door to door to share our gospel message) with me.  (My real Mission President never went tracting with me, but he would have been much better at it than Obama.)  At each door, he would tell me to knock and do the talking.  After the person answered, I would give my door approach: "Hi, I'm Elder Stockett and this is President Obama.  We'd like to share a message with you about Jesus Christ."  Then, President Obama would always follow up my door approach with, "I'm Barack Obama and I approve this message."

At first, I thought he was super clever.  What a brilliant thing to say, since we've all heard that line way too many times in commercials.  (When I woke up, I realized that I was the clever one since it was my dream.  Booyah!)  After a while it annoyed me.  I was like, "why don't you take a turn teaching once in a while?"

Despite his lack of teaching skills, I was still excited that I went tracting with the President of the United States.  I remember thinking that I really wanted to post of facebook that I was tracting with the POTUS.  But then I remembered that missionaries can't get on facebook.  I wrote a letter home that just said, "I'm tracting with the President of the US."  That's a missionary's version of a facebook status.

After that, the dream got even weirder, and one of the houses we knocked on turned into a restaurant where Mitt Romney was eating, but he was wearing a funny wig.  I'm sure wig wearing Romney would have been a better companion since he actually served a mission in France.  But, missionaries don't get to pick companions.

Okay, all you dream interpreters, what does this dream mean?  Personally, I think it means I've seen way too many political commercials recently.  But, it could also mean I ate something funny before I went to bed.  What do you think?

Dreaming of Otis

Some of my favorite moments in life are when my wife says funny things while she is sleeping. It only happens once every couple months, so it's always a special treat.

 The other night, I was laying in bed and I heard Robyn mumbling something about a baby. I couldn't quite understand what she was saying. I asked her what she said, and she responded, "I was talking about Otis, our son."

 I thought this was hilarious. "She thinks we have a son." I giggled to myself, "she thinks we would name him Otis."

This was the picture I had in my head, of what she must be dreaming about.

I remember thinking, "This is gonna be awesome to write about on my blog."

And then I woke up.  That's right.  The whole thing never happened.  It was a dream.

This is a more accurate picture of the truth

I had to hang my head in sadness.  It was my brain that invented Otis.  But at least I was still able to share Otis with all of you.

P.S. If there ever was a dream that needed analyzing, this is it.  So do share your theories.

Striped Shirts and Wireless Shoulders

So there I was, in the midst of some delicious slumber, when Robyn suddenly outburst with a very urgent mumble. It woke me up, but I didn't really think much of it, the mumble outbursts are pretty common.

But then, there it was again. This time I was already awake so I tried my best to listen carefully. All I heard was, "Mumble! MUMBLE! MUMBLE!!!".

I had no idea what she said, but I could tell it was pretty important. In my semi coherent, just woken up state, I always have the hardest time trying to figure out what is going on, so I just asked her, "Are you trying to tell me something, or are you just talking in your sleep?"

She replied with great conviction, "No, I'm talking to YOU!"

At this point, that answer made her sound pretty awake. I had probably just woke her up with my question, but you never really can tell. "What are you trying to tell me?"

"I was just telling you about the stripes they put on my shirt and..."

Those last three dots are very important. It seems as if she trailed off because when spoken out loud her striped shirt issue no longer seemed like the sort of issue you wake your husband up for in the middle of the night.

At this point I may have had a little bit of a mocking town when I said, "Oh, so you WERE talking in your sleep."

Naturally, that elicited a cranky response. "No, I'm not talking in my sleep. Don't be so mean. K. BYE!"

She rolled over and resumed her slumber while I lay and pondered the whole exchange. That's when I realized something.

Her striped shirt may seem a bit strange. But just an hour earlier I had woken myself up because I was contorting my shoulder in weird ways. I awoke when the contortions caused my shoulder to pop.

It turns out that in my dream, my shoulder was picking up some sort of wireless signal that allowed me to look at pictures of the ocean. I'm not sure how my shoulder allows streaming of pictures, or even what the viewing device is. I also don't know why I needed to contort it, for the functionality of the wireless signal.  But it was all clearly working in the dream.

So, my dreams are probably more strange than hers, I'm just less vocal about them.

The next morning, Robyn had no memory of this exchange. So I drew this picture to help her understand.

We're almost as precious in our dreams as we are in real life.

Where Am I?

I had a strange dream.  I need all my psychology experts to tell me what this one means.

I dreamed that I woke up in my bedroom.  (Strange place to wake up, right?  Give it a moment.  It gets weirder.) Only, it wasn't exactly like my bedroom.  The light fixture had been torn apart and my nightstand had been moved across the room.  I could hear a woman speaking in the other room.  Her voice didn't sound like Robyn (it actually sounded like Megan, her sister) but I assumed it was Robyn because no other women live in my house. (At least not that I'm aware of.  There could be some lurking in the closet without my knowledge.)  I thought she was talking on the phone but I was perplexed as to why she would be on the phone in the middle of the night.  (I didn't stop to think that it wasn't really dark in the dream.)

I got up and peaked out of the bedroom. To my astonishment, I discovered the woman in my hallway was not Robyn.

Her face wasn't actually a question mark.  The question mark symbolizes the fact that I didn't recognize her.

Upon further examination, my hallway was not my hallway.  When the woman saw me, she screamed and ran away.  A man (presumably her husband) emerged from a neighboring room.  He didn't seem very happy with my presence.   At this point I was quite sure that it wasn't my house.

I tried to ask the man, "Where am I?" but the words weren't coming out.  What did come out was something along the lines of "mmmmmmm".  Apparently I'm not very good at moving my lips while I sleep.

You'd think my inability to speak would clue me in that I was not awake.  But no such luck.  The man did not seem excited by A)my occupation of his house and B)my strange moaning that was supposed to pass as words. I tried again to ask him, "Where am I?" but was quite unsuccessful.

Finally I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him.  (I'm sure this definitely won him over to my side.)  I tried to yell as loud as I could, "Where am I?"  Finally I was successful!  The sound of me yelling in the real world woke me up.  I was in my bedroom again.  Robyn was next to me.  I was no longer confused.  However, Robyn was confused because of the fact that I was yelling.

I have one interpretation.  I was jealous of all the cool stuff Robyn does in her sleep and wanted to be as cool as her.  What do you think?

Two Dreams

I had a dream last night.  It really stressed me out.  I don't know if it was really a nightmare but it's one of the most stressful dreams I've had in a long time.  Therefore, I'm officially going to call it a nightmare.  Robyn also had an interesting dream.  I'm going to share them both, I have some theories regarding the interpretations thereof but I may need your input as well.

Here's what happened in mine:

I dreamed that Robyn and I were in Hawaii.  At first everything was great, but then I realized we had forgotten our camera.  I was so sad that we wouldn't be able to take pictures of all the pretty scenery and all the fun things we were doing. Then we were walking out to the beach and I realized I didn't have my hat.  I became very concerned that I was going to burn my head.  Then I realized we didn't have any sunblock.  I knew in my heart that I was going to get sunburned the first day and be in pain the rest of the trip.

This is how sad sunburns make me

I became so worried about getting sunburned that I just went back to our hotel and sat in sadness.  Robyn had fun the rest of the day and returned that evening.  I was depressed that we were in Hawaii and I had to hide from the sun.

When I woke up I was so relieved that we weren't in Hawaii.  I thought to myself, "there's still time to get everything we need."  (We're planning a trip to Hawaii in June.  We're totally going to bring sunblock.)

I later sat and pondered what this dream might mean.  I came up with two possibilities.
1. I'm deathly afraid of sunburns and I think the Sun is a monster.  (It makes sense, have you ever been sunburned?  It hurts.)
2. My nightmares are more awesome than yours.  (This is the most likely meaning of the dream.  I mean, I wasn't naked in front of a crowd.  No scary people were chasing me.  I was in paradise.   I just didn't have sunblock.  Plus, you can totally buy sunblock in Hawaii.)

After I awoke, I explained my dream to Robyn.  It turns out she had a good dream last night as well.

It started out with her finding out she was pregnant.  (From her description I don't think there was any pregnancy test.  She just knew somehow.)  She wanted to come up with a creative way to tell me she was pregnant, so she went to the store to buy whatever she needed for her creative stratagem.  When she got home, I had apparently emptied our cupboard and thrown away lots of things.  She was confused by that, but went ahead and let me know she was pregnant.

This is an artist's rendition of what Robyn will look like pregnant.
Yes, I consider myself an artist.

After she told me, I became terrified.  I was very upset about it and she was very concerned that I was so upset.  Eventually, though, I told her, "Even though I'm scared, I kind of already knew.  That's why I got rid of the toilet in the front room."  She became confused.  So I showed her where the toilet used to be in the front room.  I had boarded up the hole with plywood or something.  I also showed her pictures of the front room with the toilet in it.  She had no memory of the front room toilet, but after I showed her all the evidence she became convinced that we used to have a toilet in the front room.

Here are the possible interpretations that I've come up with:
1. Robyn is scared that I'm scared of children.  (Makes sense, children are scary.)
2. Robyn really wants a toilet in the front room but she's afraid that I'll remove it after she gets one. (Also makes sense, that would be awkward.)
3. Robyn's dreams are more awesome than you can possibly imagine. (This is clearly true.)

Those are my interpretations.  What do you think?

Dreaming of Tower Defense

So I had another strange dream.  I'm putting this one out there for interpretation as well.  Feel free to discover all my disorders and psychosis.

Warning, the following dream contains zombies.  Some people, like my wife, are offended by zombies.  Please do not read any further if this is the case.

(The screen goes wavy and when it comes back it is in black and white.  The dream sequence has begun.)
So I was in my house, and I suddenly became aware that we were under attack by zombies.  (You'd be surprised how often zombies appear in my dreams.  I'd be interested to know what that means.)  So I constructed a large gun turret on the top of my house.  Next, I built a maze leading to my house so that the zombies would have to wind through it to get to me.  My gun turret dominated all the zombies while they were winding through the maze.

After the wave of zombies was complete, there was a wave of terminators.  My gun turret continued to dominate the terminators.

(End dream sequence)  I woke up to find that my real life was actually not a tower defense game.  It turns out reality just doesn't make as good of a game.

But, I believe there are a few possible interpretations of this dream.

1. I'm being warned that I need to prepare for either A) The zombie apocalypse or B) The rise of the machines.  Luckily, putting a gun turret on top of my house helps with both scenarios.

2. I play too many tower defense games and read too much science fiction.  That one is clearly not true.

3. Someone is trying to do inception on me to get me to build a gun turret on my house.  This is the most likely scenario.

Whatever the real scenario is, the important thing is that Robyn and I have had the talk.  You know the one I'm talking about.  I know that every couple has the talk at some point.  We discussed what to do if one of us turns into a zombie.  Too many families don't have the talk, and the following chart is a result of being unprepared.

So be sure to be prepared.  Unless you think my dream means something else.  What is your opinion?

Analyze This

I had a very strange dream.  That's not unusual.  I'm pretty sure all of my dreams are pretty strange.  What is unusual is that I remembered the contents of the dream.  So, I now present to you the contents of my dream in hopes that the people of the internet will present me amusing speculation on the meaning of my dream.

(Now entering the dream world, imagine the screen goes all fuzzy or maybe we switch to black and white, or whatever cinematography means "dream" to you)

Robyn and I were driving on the freeway.  But we were in separate cars.  I don't know where we were going or where we were coming from.  But we were on the freeway and it was raining harder than I have ever seen.  It was raining so hard that we decided to pull off the freeway.  (I don't remember talking to Robyn on a cell phone, but somehow we mutually made the decision, that's how unified we are.)

As we pulled off the freeway the exit was super steep.  There was lots of mud on the road and cars were having trouble getting traction.  A few had run off the road and Robyn was one of them.  Instead of attempting the exit, I just pulled off the shoulder of the freeway and went and checked on Robyn.  She was fine, so the two of us decided to walk.

We walked to my Grandma and Grandpa Stockett's house.  Like I said earlier, I'm not sure where we were headed, but apparently, Grandma's house was on the way.  (In the real world, Grandma's house is not on the way to anything.)  When we got to Grandma's house, we were given a room to stay in, but we also discovered that Reese Witherspoon was staying the night there as well.

I'm sure Grandma and Grandpa wouldn't deny Reese a place to stay if she was in need.  I'm just not sure why she was there.  At any rate, there we were at Grandma's with Reese Witherspoon.(Withoutaspoon really)  Also, Reese was very pregnant.  I don't know if she has kids in real life or if she's ever been pregnant but in dream world she was extremely pregnant.

Robyn decided she needed to share a room with Reese.  She said that since Reese was pregnat that she was going to need someone to take care of her.  I tried to explain that she could come get us if she needed anything but Robyn would have none of it.  So I went back to my room all alone.  I was really cranky at Robyn that she liked pregnant Reese Witherspoon more than me.

Then the alarm went off and I woke up.  (end dream sequence) (begin contemplative sequence) So what does it all mean?  Why was there a pregnant Reese Witherspoon at Grandma's house?  Robyn speculates that the dream reveals that I'm afraid of her being pregnant.  I don't think that works, wouldn't she have been pregnant in the dream?  I think it could just as easily mean a fear of rainstorms, Grandma's house, or Reese Witherspoon.  (Okay, not Grandma's house.  That would be ridiculous, how could anyone fear Grandma's house?)

What do the people think?