Monday, November 26, 2012

Sasquatch VS The Mighty Screamer

We spent Thanksgiving in the San Francisco Bay area at my sister-in-law's house.  That's the happy part of the story.  The sad part of the story is that the only flight we could get home left at 6 AM Sunday morning.  The really sad part of the story is that means we had to wake up at 3:45 AM to get to the airport on time.  The tragic part of the story is that the world's mightiest screaming child was in the row behind us on the airplane.

Do you ever get that feeling like you're in the presence of greatness?  That's the feeling I had as I heard this child scream.  If screaming were an Olympic sport, this kid would be putting Michael Phelps to shame.

His volume was incredible.  Normally, sounds get pretty muffled on a plane, but this child's voice rose above any other white noise that tried to muffle him.

His stamina was unimaginable.  After 30 consecutive minutes of screaming, he was still going strong.  I can get some good volume, but I would have tired long before the 30 minute mark.

But what really put him over the top were his high pitched shrieks.  These were definitely at the professional level.  I was unaware that human vocal cords could reach such a pitch.

Of course, if you thought that the Olympic screamer was the only celebrity on the plane, you thought wrong. Screamer (as I affectionately call him) was in the seat behind me.  But a few rows behind him sat Sasquatch. Now, I didn't actually see Sasquatch, but I heard him, and had to conclude that's who he was.

You see, as Screamer was giving his free performance (which everyone on the plane was grateful for), he would always lead up to his highest shrieks with a bit of a crescendo.  The chorus of his song went like this, "Mommy! Mommy!" then his volume and pitch would rise together. Right as he would reach his highest pitch and loudest volume simultaneously, there was another individual who would also feel driven to song.  This individual (identified as Sasquatch by the quality of his voice) would shout, "Yeaaaaaaugh".  His talent was not as great as Screamer's, but it definitely portrayed strong emotion.

After a few of the Screamer's cries for mom followed by great crescendos and accompanied by the Sasquatch growl, I began to be concerned that Sasquatch perhaps wasn't enjoying the talents of this young prodigy quite as much as everyone else.  In fact, I commented to Robyn that Sasquatch was going to kill the child (and probably eat him).  Robyn didn't like me discussing the death of the child sitting behind us out loud.  Apparently, I broke some rule of etiquette.

Finally, the drama came to a close.  An individual who I will call Big Sister, finally had a brilliant idea, "Sit Next to him!".  The individual I will call Mom, heeded this brilliance (since it hadn't yet occurred to her in the last 30 minutes to try that), and then Screamer became a whole new character who I will call Happy Lad.  I assume dad must have been sitting next to him before that, but I don't really know since I couldn't see them.

I learned a few lessons.

First, if a child yells, "Mommy! Mommy!" for 30 consecutive minutes (with brief pauses for high pitched screams) it's possible the child wants his mommy.

Second, when you buy a plane ticket, they should specify wear the screaming child will sit.

Third, Sasquatch eats children.


  1. Thanks for the great read and I couldn't agree more. Screaming children should have their own section of the plane/theatre/chapel, etc where they can practice their special Olympic talents.
    Also, where did you get the picture of me as a kid?

    1. The picture on the right is of you walking through the woods. I took it last weekend. I called your mom to get the picture of you on the left.

  2. And that's why I take ear plugs/earmufs/earbuds and anything else to cover my ears. As a mother I try to be patient with other people's children but I can be even more patient when I have something to muffle and distract and chocolate.

    And I bet a nice tranquilizer probably would have helped Sasquatch.


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