Monday, June 4, 2012

Why My Coworkers Smell Like Hot Sauce

I wish I could say it wasn't my fault.  I mean, the Taco Bell employee who gave us so much hot sauce should take at least some of the blame, don't you think?

I suppose I should tell you the whole tale and let you judge for yourself.  You see, we were trying to decide where to go out to eat.  Taco Bell was mentioned and I realized that I had seen an ad for a taco where the shell was actually made out of Doritos.  I tried to imagine something that could attain a higher level of awesomeness than a Doritos taco and I just couldn't do it.  So, naturally, we went to Taco Bell.

I ate my Doritos taco like a good kid.  At no point did I make my coworkers smell like a Doritos taco.  That is an important detail.

Unfortunately, my coworker Dave made a horrible mistake.  He asked for "a few medium packets" of taco sauce.  (At least that's what he claims, I didn't actually listen to his order.  He could be making up the story to shift the blame from himself.)  The employee who was working gave him approximately 12 million packets of varying hotness.

Imagine a pile of this density that extends for miles in each direction.
Dave did his part, he slathered his burrito with sauce, he shared it with everyone else.  I mean, there's only so much you can do with a gargantuan pile of hot sauce packets.

That's when we all finished eating, and the discussion turned to the joy of exploding packets of condiments.  We discussed how these particular condiment packets didn't seem very full.  We wondered whether pounding a hot sauce packet with a fist would cause it to explode.  Being individuals of curious minds, we felt we should perform a test.  I, being the individual who felt most strongly that this should be done, volunteered my fist for the good of science.

We took precautions, we didn't want to be covered in hot sauce.  So we wrapped the packet in a napkin, burrito style.  We placed our napkin burrito on the table and I swung my mighty fist....  Nothing happened.

Then I got determined.  I swung again, but this time with the strength of ten men.  (Doritos tacos are to me as spinach is to Popeye)  My fist struck a fatal blow to the napkin burrito.  Not only did I burst the hot sauce packet, but the hot sauce came out with such force that it blew right through our napkin, creating a gruesome exit wound.  The napkin went from being a cute little burrito to becoming a projectile weapon in milliseconds.

Three of us received quite the shower of hot sauce.  It's amazing how much sauce comes out of such a little packet.  We all tried to wipe it off, but there is still a hot sauce aroma surrounding all those that were showered.

Naturally, I just giggled.  I felt it was quite hilarious.  I realized that somehow I hadn't progressed in the decade since high school.  And yet, I wasn't ashamed.

So I will gladly take the blame for creating the chipotle perfume.  Sure, the employee gave us way too much hot sauce.  Sure, Dave didn't man up enough to eat it all.  But it was my fist of wrath that rained hot sauce upon us all.  High school Jeff would be so proud.


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