Funny emails I get: To an provide QUICKLY

Do you ever read your junk mail?  I usually don't, but every once in a while it becomes necessary to do so.  Here is a little gem I recently received.

Jeff, It is possible to Promote the house These days.We need property throughout !
View the provide
Most of us acquire homes RAPID!You want to allow you to an provide QUICKLY.
Notice in this article
Receive an provide coming from a PRIMARY purchaser.
Abby Derrick 

(Note:  the blue text was originally linked.  I removed the links because I didn't want to give Google juice to our good friend Abby Derrick.)

Dear Abby,

I have no idea what you just said.  But, I'm glad that you're able to acquire homes RAPID!  I suggest if you want me to click your links, or if you want to allow you to an provide quickly, than perhaps you should learn English.

Your Friend,
Jeff

Spammers Want to Meet Me

Spammers are awesome.  Sometimes I read my junk mail just to see what kind of awesome things I'll receive.  I had to share this gem with you

Hello.  I would like to meet you. Do you mind? I really want to meet and get acquainted with an interesting the man with whom I want to form good and saturated relationship. Write me if you do not mind my Email interestingflower@gmail.com . We could you better learn about each other.I'll wait for your letter with impatience,have a nice day!

If there's one thing I know to be true, it's that I'm an interesting the man.  People often say that I'm the man, but they forget to mention that I'm an interesting the man.

I'm the second most interesting the man, right behind this guy.

I do like good relationships, but my wife can attest to the fact that I like my relationships unsaturated.    (Actually, she probably can't, since neither of us actually know what that means.)

I didn't write this individual back, they only said to write if I don't mind their email.  Unfortunately, I do mind.  So if you are an interesting the man, feel free to drop this individual a line.  Hopefully, you'll get a chance to you better learn about each other.  If you're lucky you might get to download a virus as well.

When Spammers Try to Evict Me

Junk mail amuses me, particularly the email variety. When it's completely free to send something, people don't spend much time thinking about whether it makes sense.

Take for example this little gem I recently received:

Eviction notice,

We hereby give you a notice that due to multiple violations your tenancy of the premises you occupy will be terminated on March 04, 2014.

Detailed description of the violations and adjudication are attached herewith.

Unless you vacate the property until March 21, 2014, the Court will provide an order to evict you and require you to pay all the costs incurred in bringing this action.

Court bailiff,
POWELL BEAN

First, I love that the salutation was "Eviction notice". No, "Dear Jeff", or "To the love of my life", not even a "To whom it may concern".  I just don't feel very cared about by this sender.  Also, I don't feel like they even know who I am.  It's almost like this is a form letter sent to thousands.

Second, if I was getting an eviction notice, I would think it would have the address of the place I'm being evicted from.

Third, shouldn't the email at least mention the landlord? Since I own the home I live in, that landlord would be me. So this email should have come from someone representing me, but I suppose that's beside the point.

Is anyone fooled by this sort of thing?  Even if you don't own your home, you'd think there would be some sort of specific information, such as your name or the landlord's name.

Oh well.  There was a nice little zip file attached.  I'm sure it had a really precious virus.  But I guess we'll never know just how precious that virus was since I deleted it.

Outstanding Citizen 2014 of the United States of America

President Obama emailed me.  I'm cool like that.

Here's the email:

Jeff Stockett,

You have been nominated as an Outstanding Citizen 2014 of the United States of America.

This award recognizes your efforts as a blogger and book reviewer. We have personally gone through all of your posts and your reviews and have enjoyed them immensely.

We will be holding an awards ceremony and banquet at the White House which you are cordially invited to.

The event will take place on February 8th at 6:00pm. Please rsvp to this email as soon as possible to reserve your spot and ensure that you make this momentous event.

Please note that this is a free event and there will be no charge for you to attend. However in the spirit of our illustrious government you will have to pay for your travel to and from the White House, a $500 fee for entrance to the event and your meal per plate, and an extra $3000 fee is you want to be in the room when I, the best president ever, arrive. Photos and handshakes are extra.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Congratulations!
Your gracious president,

Barack Obama


Okay, I have a secret to tell you. I'm pretty sure that was not actually an email from Barack Obama.  One clue is that the sender was from srs.kundenserver.de and one google search shows that that particular domain is spam central, but more importantly, I know our President is really into himself, but I think he's able to mask it just a little better than this writer.  Also, he may not know how to pronounce the word "corps" but he can structure his sentences well enough to not say something like, "Outstanding Citizen 2014 of the United States of America" or to write an email as if he, an individual, were some sort of collective.  (Is this email from the Borg?)

The question I have for you is, why did I receive the weirdest spam ever?  They're not asking for me to send any information.  I don't understand the scam that they're trying to put together.  Do they think I'll reply and then send them all the money they talked about?

Well, whatever the scam is, I won't be replying to that email.  However, I would like to publicly accept the nomination.  I hope you'll vote for me.  (If this is something people vote for.)

Also, feel free to print out this flyer and distribute it to your friends.

Funny Emails: Work From Home

We all get all sorts of junk emails, right?  I don't even open most of them.  Every once in a while, I check them out just to see what they are trying to sell me.  Most of them are Nigerian princes.  It turns out they need to get a lot of money into the United States, and I'm the only one they trust to help.  However, today I got an email that was more unique.  I felt it was too good not to share:

Could you get it if people told you that you are able to make 8-10 thousands US Dollars just by operating from home and just some hours per week? The good news is that this is all true and so happened to Kim Swartz, the mother who worked from home and has good pay doing very small job online! This is your best chance to earn more money than your daily job just by staying home during your spare time. Read more of the article on her blog : *********

How great is that?  I could make 8-10 thousands US Dollars.  All I would have to do is work some hours per week.  (How many is some?  I currently work 40.  Is that more than some?)  When you put it that way, I could really get it.

I think I have realized my problem.  I've been leaving my house in my spare time.  If I start staying home during my spare time, I could be like Kim Swartz, and it could so, like totally, happen to me.

I am curious, what company will pay 8-10 thousands US Dollars for me to do a very small job.  If it's a very small job, couldn't they hire a high school kid to do it for pennies?  Also, maybe they should invest some of that in a recruiter who speaks English.

I guess I'll never know how I could have been rolling in the money.  Because I'm definitely not visiting their site.  I suppose I'm just prejudiced against spam emails written by people who don't speak English.  It's just the way I am.