Saturday, February 12, 2011

The Ducks Are Watching

Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, somewhere, somehow, there is a duck that is watching you.

I used to think that was an irrational fear.  How could the ducks always be watching?  They can't see that far, they certainly can't see through walls.  But somehow, they are watching.  Here's how I know:  They gave me this certificate.

At first I thought that maybe by sending me this certificate they might be trying to guilt me into sending them money so that I could feel like I earned the certificate.  But, then I thought about it more.  Clearly they just wanted me to know how much they appreciate all the things I have done for ducks throughout the world.   Obviously they must have been watching me very closely, because they realized what a duck supporter I am even before I did.

Let me share with you all the things I've done for ducks over the years.

1. I use the address labels they gave me.
You know those little labels that companies give you that have your home address on them?  You can put them on envelopes so you don't have to write out a return address.  Well, the duck people sent me some of those.  The following people and organizations are fully aware of my support for ducks: the mailman, my mortgage company, and my utility companies.  I'm really getting the word out for ducks.

2. I never pick up a duck in a dungeon
You should know better than to pick up a duck in a dungeon.

3. If someone throws something at my head I duck
This may seem trivial, but that movement promotes ducks every time I do it.

4. I go on ducky dates
You know the date where you take a girl to a duck pond and throw bread at the ducks?  I have taken a number of girls on this date.  Every time it resulted in a marriage within a year.  Only once did that marriage involve me.

5. I ask small children what sound a duck makes
This gets the word out about ducks very early in the lives of the next generation.

So, as you can see.  My service to duck kind has been incredible.  This can only mean that the ducks have been watching me closely.  It makes sense.  I would watch me if I were a duck.  I do funny stuff all the time.


  1. I have to admit that this idea really freaks me out. I am not an avid duck lover, well, really, I am not a duck lover at all. I don't even like the smelly beasts. So in light of your inspiring article, should I fear? I think I should. Read "The Ducks Are Watching 2" here:
    Thanks again for bringing this to my attention Jeff. I never really knew how much danger I was in before now.

  2. I won't tell the ducks about the fancy dinner we had that involved a duck. I did place the order but you did have the leftovers. I'm just sayin'.

  3. I am a proud product of one of Jeff's ducky dates. I'm pretty sure I was married to notJeff exactly a year later.

    Truly inspiring. I am a supporter of the ducks myself. A few months ago Bart and I got stuck in a car for about a half hour because I decided to give a duck a piece of pizza crust from inside the car....afterwhich our car was surrounded by probably 80 ducks wanting some. Instead of being mean and scaring the ducks away...we waited. And I also play duck duck goose with my son.

  4. I remember those duck stamps! Hahahaha.

  5. hmmm... I've been on ducky dates, but they involved throwing the bread directly at the duck's head... I did hang out with the ducks occasionally when I worked at BYU, so... hmmm...

  6. Even though the ducks are watching I'm pretty sure they never made it into your house until the pig was gone. Everyone knows that pigs and birds are natural enemies. I'm betting on the birds to come out on top, especially when they are angry.


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