An Open Letter to Everyone Who Drives a Car

Dear Everyone,

We haven't talked in a while.  How have you been?  How's that thing you've been worried about?  I hope it's doing better.  How about that thing you're excited about?  Is it still making you happy?

Enough of the small talk.  The reason I've gathered you all here today is to discuss a little subject I call, "don't run into other cars while driving."

This seems like a pretty basic idea.  But, in my experience, there is some sort of amnesia that kicks in whenever it snows.  Apparently, people get up in the morning and see white stuff falling from the sky and think to themselves, "Am I supposed to run into other cars or not?  I can't remember."

You're not supposed to run into other cars.  Even if there is white stuff.

I'm glad we got that cleared up.

I think there may be some of you out there who actually know that you're not supposed to run into other cars, but you do it on accident.  I'd like to discuss some things with you.

There are lots of things we could talk about, such as, if your car starts to fishtail, you should turn the wheel into the fishtail.  That means the wheel should turn the same direction that the back of the car is drifting.  If you turn it the other way you will do what is called a donut.  This move is considered awesome if A)you are in an empty parking lot doing it on purpose or B) you are in an action movie and you are spinning around so that you can shoot the gas tank of a car that is chasing you and cause it to explode.  In all other situations, doing a donut is not awesome.

There are other techniques you can learn that are helpful for driving in the snow.  But the most important principle I'd like to go over is so simple that it can improve your snow driving instantly.  Are you ready for it?   It's going to blow your mind.  Here it comes.

Slow Down!

It blew your mind didn't it.  I marvel every time I drive on the freeway when it is snowing.  There are always people blowing past me at 80 mph.  They always have a smug look on their face as they blow past all the wimps who don't drive fast in snow.  Then I usually pass them a few minutes later as they sit on the side of the road after spinning out.

It should be understood, I like to drive fast.  I'm usually going a good 10 mph above the speed limit on the freeway in safe conditions.  But when conditions are not safe, is it really worth risking your life to get to work 5 minutes sooner?  (Not to mention that when you spin off the road it slows down traffic for the rest of us and we all get there 20 minutes later.)

This past weekend there was a bit of snow.  I've noticed that when it snows, it takes a few days for people to remember how to drive in it.  If it snows several days in a row, by the third day you don't see as many accidents.  But if it's dry for a week or two, when the snow returns it's as if they've never seen snow or driven in it before.

The following pictures are not from this past weekend.  It's from a couple months ago.  But I had to share what happens when people don't remember the age old wisdom of slowing down.

They closed 5 lanes of traffic on I15 for this little wreck.

Important safety tip: don't park a semi sideways on the freeway.  People may run into you.

I don't know what happened here, but I'm willing to be that semi was driving too fast.

For those of you who have been in wrecks recently, I do recognize that there are some accidents that happen through no fault of the driver.  You can be driving a speed that is safe for the conditions when the conditions suddenly change.  Perhaps that's what happened with our semi driver above.  My brother recently got in an accident that sounds like it was no one's fault, from his description.

I would just prefer that we all get to our destinations safely, whether there is white stuff on the road or not.  If you don't feel safe at the speed you are driving, don't feel ashamed to slow down.

Love,
Jeff

P.S. I ended with "love" so you know that everything I said was filled with love and you can't get offended at me for telling you to slow down.

Open Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,
Or do you prefer Mommy? Mom?  Mamacita?  Is it okay if I call you Big Mama?

Dear Big Mama,

I have a bone to pick with you.  This whole inversion thing has gone a bit too far, don't you think?  I'll be the first to admit that there have been some pretty sunsets, and I have enjoyed them as much as the next guy.  But, the other day I looked directly at the sun and I thought it was the moon.  Do you know what the sun is supposed to look like?  Nothing!  It's supposed to be blinding.  You look at it and you see nothing for the next 5 minutes.  I literally thought it was the moon, that is so inappropriate.

And what's with this ridiculous cold?  The other day, I checked the weather app on my phone and it was -8 degrees.

It is not supposed to be -8 while the sun is shining.  Do I look like I'm in North Dakota?  At 9:30 in the morning (when I took the above screenshot), it might be appropriate to be 8 degrees.  But do you understand that removing that little negative sign is a difference of 16 degrees?  In case you don't understand what 16 degrees means, that is the difference between 80 degrees, which my wife describes as "getting a little cold" (I'm not kidding) and 64 degrees, which my wife describes as "freezing".  (I've tried to convince her that there is actually a temperature that literally freezes water, and that temperature is half of 64, but there is no persuading her on this issue.)

Do you understand that this ridiculous cold violates our agreement?  Remember how I agreed to wear flip flops all winter long when you promised that I would not have to worry about losing my toes?  My cute little toesies have been a little uncomfortable these past couple weeks.

I have kept my half of the agreement.

Lastly, the air has been a little stinky.  Could you please remove the inversion with all of its yucky air business?

I appreciate your understanding on this issue.

Love,
Jeff

An open letter to I15 Construction Workers

Dearest I-15 Construction Workers

We've been together a long time.  We have our special together time every morning.  Me, trying to get to work, you trying to stand there and look productive.  But this morning I had an experience that made me somewhat unhappy with you.  You see, you have an annoying little habit that we've been sweeping under the rug.  I feel like it's time that we just discussed it out in the open.

So here's the thing.  You like to switch up which way the lanes move around.  I guess it's exciting for you to put up cones where I used to drive, while drawing new lines for me to follow. Then you like to change the new traffic pattern once again, and repeat that process willy nilly.  It seems to give you some kind of thrill.  I'm not here to judge your habits, it's just that that particular habit almost killed me today.

Because of your thrill seeking, it is nearly impossible to see where the lanes are.  You don't bother to erase the old lines, you just draw new ones.  With each iteration it becomes more and more difficult to see which lines are intended as lanes, and which ones are intended as art.  So there are lanes going in every direction and it is anybody's guess which ones are real.  So that brings me to the method of my near execution.

This morning, I was driving along minding my own business. Suddenly, the guy to my right decided he should follow some lines going left. The guy to my left decided he should follow some lines going right. I just wanted to follow the lines going straight. It is anybody's guess which of the three of us was actually following the true lane.  Neither of them seemed to notice or care that they were about to run into me. I quickly surveyed my options. One option was to try to squeeze between them like the Knight Bus.

This was the more awesome but less practical option

So I decided to go with the less awesome but more practical option.  I slammed on my brakes and let the two of them come together  (they didn't collide, their respective lanes went side by side, they just didn't leave room for me).  After regaining my composure, I discovered I had moved one lane to the left.  I'm not quite sure how it happened, but the important thing is that I'm alive.

Now, my dear construction working friend, it should be noted that had I been killed in this incident I would not have blamed the poor souls who didn't know which lane to drive in.  I feel that they are victims just as much as I was. No, if I was killed I would blame you.  Also, it should be noted, that I would haunt you until the day my wife dies.  (Once she dies, we'll be partying it up in the spirit world together, and we'll have better things to do then haunt you.  But until then, I've got nowhere to go.)

That's right, if I die because of all the lame construction going on, I will bring terror into your household for decades.  And we're not talking just eerie apparitions in the middle of the night.  Certainly there will be plenty of that, but you haven't seen me dance.  That is a terror in itself.  I'll be dancing, and rocking it up all night long.  So just keep that in mind, as you stand there trying (and failing) to look busy.  You may want to wrap this project up.

With love,
Your dearest friend,
Jeff

An Open Letter To Global Warming Activists

Dearest Global Warming Activists,
There are some things we need to discuss.  I don't think you've been going about everything the right way.  I know you don't like to listen to dissenting view points; so in an effort to bribe you to hear what I have to say, I'm going to let you know something.  I'm on your team...kind of.

Does that entice you enough to hear me out?  I'll get to why I'm kind of on your team in a minute.  But first we need to talk about the issues I have.  Here they are:  you aren't that into science, your leadership is questionable, you distract people from less controversial (and arguably more important) issues, you want to destroy the economy.

You aren't that into science
I know this one is going to get you real riled up.  That's why I'll explain it first.  You see, climate change believers like to tell the rest of us that we're stupid and that we hate science and all sorts of other ridiculous things.  That kind of gets my knickers in a bunch because I am a big believer in science.  I don't have anything against scientists.  I know that polls show that the majority of scientists believe in global warming.  But those polls try to imply that those scientists all believe in Al Gore's version of global warming.  You see, the data says that since 1995 the earth has been warming at a rate of 0.12C per decade.  Phil Jones, climate scientist, says that is not statistically significant.  His data also says that from the years 1860-1880 the warming was a rate of 0.163C per decade.  This means that global warming was worse from 1860-1880 than it was from 1995 to 2009.

I'm no climate scientist, but I am a thinker.  If there was more global warming before we filled the world with cars and airplanes and other carbon emitting machines, doesn't that say something about the correlation between the two?  Phil Jones does say that even though he doesn't have the data to prove it, he still believes that Anthropogenic (man-made) global warming is real.  I don't have a problem with that.  In science that is called a hypothesis.  The purpose of science is to prove or disprove a hypothesis.  He doesn't have enough data to prove it or disprove it at this point and that is fine with me.  As a bystander, I feel the data points a different way.

I will glady believe in AGW (Anthropogenic global warming) when there is more data to show it.  So when all the believers out there start telling me that they know that AGW is a fact.  Well, how can they know that when the scientists don't?  I understand they have faith in Phil Jones and other scientists.  But saying that you know it to be true based on your faith in what Phil Jones says is no longer science.  Now we are talking about religion.  Science is about empirical evidence.  Religion is about faith.  I'm not going to bash your religion, feel free to believe whatever feels right to you.  But let's call a spade a spade so we're all on the same page.

Your leadership is questionable
Al Gore seems to be the most outspoken AGW believer.  However, his claims just don't seem to jive with what scientists are saying.  A few months ago at the Climate Summit in Copenhagen, Al Gore made a claim that all polar ice caps will be completely melted by the summer of 2014.  He cited Dr Wieslav Maslowski as the source of that information.  That evening Dr. Maslowski told The Times: “It’s unclear to me how this figure was arrived at.  I would never try to estimate likelihood at anything as exact as this.”

In his movie, Al Gore shows Florida being engulfed by the ocean, up to 100 miles from the current beaches.  The maps he put together would be what would happen if the ocean were to rise 20 feet.  That is a scary future, but scientists don't believe that will happen at all. The United Nations International Panel on Climate Control issued a report in 2007 saying that the ocean could rise up to 15 inches.  That's a little bit less than the scary 20 feet Al Gore predicts. I don't know if Al Gore is deliberately deceiving his audience, or if he just doesn't know how to do research.  I'm also not sure which is worse; but either way, is he someone you want to be following?

You distract people from other issues
A few months ago, there was a horrible inversion in Utah Valley.  Robyn started coughing horribly all the time.  We couldn't see the mountains and there was a yucky smell that wouldn't go away.  To me, that was an important issue.  That was definitely a day I wanted to reduce carbon emissions.  When I think about all those that aren't buying the AGW story.  I think, "why can't we all just agree that smog is stinky?"  If we work to reduce smog, we can be on the same team.

There are other issues that are important to me such as reducing our dependence on foreign oil.  Middle eastern countries aren't generally very friendly to us.  Even if every country we imported oil from were friendly, it would still be better for us to be buying from ourselves.  Can we work together on that issue?

What about deforestation?  Forests across the world turn dangerous Co2 into O2 which is our friend.  I'm not so concerned about Co2 but I would like to preserve habitats of life in the rainforest.  That's right, as much as I am a conservative and a capitalist I still think animals are important.  As a small child I made my family cut up the rings that come around six packs of pop because I saw a picture of a seagull with one of them stuck around his neck.  I've always felt that preserving our natural world was an important thing to do.

As you can see, there are things I believe in that happen to line up with your agenda.  Can we work together?

You want to destroy the economy
This is the main beef I have with your movement.  We agree on a few issues but we disagree with tactics of how to solve it.  One of the main strategies that has been discussed is a cap and trade program that would allow organizations to "trade" in the right to emit carbon.  The idea is that making pollution more expensive will reduce it.  President Obama said, "Under my plan of a cap and trade system, electricity rates would necessarily skyrocket."  So your and my bills would "skyrocket" as the President said.  First of all, in a strained economy this one thing could tip some businesses and individuals over the edge into bankruptcy.  The second thing is that if people can't afford to heat their homes, they are going to do something.  There will be alot more fireplaces burning wood.  These won't be coal plants that have spent money maximizing efficiency.  No, these will be average people in average fireplaces who will inefficiently burn that wood and maximize carbon emissions.

I won't get into all the plans that have been proposed that will hurt our economy.  That happens to be the worst one so I'll stop there.

So we've agreed we have some common goals.  But we have some differing priorities as well.  How about we make an agreement?  I'll do what I can to help the environment if you do what you can to preserve our economy and our freedom?  Deal?

There's some things we can do to work on this together.  Here are a few of my thoughts.
Start with yourself - This may sound too simple, but how about doing things in your own home?  Robyn and I put in new insulation and better windows this year in our home.  That increases the efficiency of our home and lowers our carbon output (as well as our bills)  You could do something simple like replace your light bulbs with fluorescent ones.  The U.S. Energy Star Program says that if every American household replaced just one lightbulb with a fluorescent one, it would be the equivalent of removing 800,000 cars from the road.  It's a small drop in the bucket, but it's a start.

Government tax incentives - Robyn and I got a nice tax credit for the home improvements we did.  It was great!  In addition, President Obama actually did something I agree with recently when he proposed a tax credit for buying more fuel efficient cars.  Tax incentives along this line allow the free market to still work while just giving it a little nudge.  (It's debatable whether my favorite economist, F.A. Hayek, would support that kind of incentive, but I'm willing to give a little on this one.)

Invest in new technologies - Bill Gates is funding a company that will be able to create nuclear reactors that run on the waste from existing nuclear plants.  This means he could eliminate the problem of where to put nuclear waste while also making cleaner, cheaper energy.

This brings me to my final idea.
Let the free market work - Why can Bill Gates fund this?  Because the free market allowed him to become a billionaire.  Clean energy means cheap energy.  If we get out of the way of the economy so that the recession can end, there will be people willing to invest in cleaner energy sources.  Nuclear energy is just one idea.  It's amazing the genius that a profit motive can create.  If government gets out of the way, someone will make a lot of money finding a way to help the poorest among us be able to have infinite energy.  In so doing, carbon will decrease and there will be no more stinky smog.  We can all win.  Is that something we can agree on?