Dear Mother Nature,
Or do you prefer Mommy? Mom? Mamacita? Is it okay if I call you Big Mama?
Dear Big Mama,
I have a bone to pick with you. This whole inversion thing has gone a bit too far, don't you think? I'll be the first to admit that there have been some pretty sunsets, and I have enjoyed them as much as the next guy. But, the other day I looked directly at the sun and I thought it was the moon. Do you know what the sun is supposed to look like? Nothing! It's supposed to be blinding. You look at it and you see nothing for the next 5 minutes. I literally thought it was the moon, that is so inappropriate.
And what's with this ridiculous cold? The other day, I checked the weather app on my phone and it was -8 degrees.
It is not supposed to be -8 while the sun is shining. Do I look like I'm in North Dakota? At 9:30 in the morning (when I took the above screenshot), it might be appropriate to be 8 degrees. But do you understand that removing that little negative sign is a difference of 16 degrees? In case you don't understand what 16 degrees means, that is the difference between 80 degrees, which my wife describes as "getting a little cold" (I'm not kidding) and 64 degrees, which my wife describes as "freezing". (I've tried to convince her that there is actually a temperature that literally freezes water, and that temperature is half of 64, but there is no persuading her on this issue.)
Do you understand that this ridiculous cold violates our agreement? Remember how I agreed to wear flip flops all winter long when you promised that I would not have to worry about losing my toes? My cute little toesies have been a little uncomfortable these past couple weeks.
I have kept my half of the agreement.
Lastly, the air has been a little stinky. Could you please remove the inversion with all of its yucky air business?
Robyn and I have a little tradition on New Year's Eve. As we ring in the new year we like to try some new foods that we've never tried before.
This year, a friend of mine pointed me in the direction of something truly fabulous. As anyone with taste buds knows, bacon is the greatest food ever to have been discovered on planet earth. Naturally, it stands to reason that it would make an excellent flavor for soda. That's where bacon soda comes in.
Don't I look like a happy lad?
Well, unfortunately it turns out that bacon may actually have some limitations. (I'm as surprised as you are.) My brother and his wife came over and the four of us gave it a try. Here is the result:
As you can see, the bacon soda could probably use some improvement. But, don't worry. I know you're sad you missed the experience. That's why I made this video, so you could taste it right along with us. (And by taste it, I mean don't taste it but watch us taste it and imagine what it tastes like as you see our reactions.)
The bacon soda experience was so profound that it inspired this poem.
Bacon soda, you're kind of gross.
Bacon soda, I hate you most
Bacon is yummy,
in my tummy
Bacon soda makes me sad
Bacons soda is so bad.
It's a brand new year! That means I can write a mediocre post and it will still be the best thing I've written this year. But don't worry, I've included this graphic which will make your new year a happy one.
2012 was a fabulous year. I had lots of great experiences. I thought I'd recap a few that stood out.
1. I was published in a real publication. (The Ensign, published by my church)
2. I left a tip of pi.
It happened to be a 24% tip. That is love.
3. Beat my mother-in-law at Words With Friends. (She's unstoppable.)
4. Went inside 4 new temples.
This is the Oakland Temple. We're totally artistic.
5. Drove across the Golden Gate Bridge
6. Ate clam chowder at Pier 39. (I have long yearned to have fresh San Francisco clam chowder)
7. Kissed behind a waterfall in Hawaii
I convinced a hottie to kiss me.
8. I drank from a coconut
9. I read 41 books that totalled 10,027 pages.
10. I lifted 2.2 million pounds at the gym. (The sum total of all my reps)
11. I made this photo of me and President Obama as missionaries
12. I watched The Hobbit. (Don't say it is just a movie. Bilbo's actions were very important in the War of the Ring.)
13. I tried Bacon Soda. (More on that later)
14. I experienced Lehi Foam Day for the first time.
15. I went to Hawaii (I know 2 of the items above are in Hawaii, but it was either list Hawaii as a whole or list the thousands of things I did there.)
So, as you can see, 2012 was a very successful year. 2013 looks like it's gonna be pretty awesome as well. I don't know what all it will hold. But I'm a little hungry, so I think I'm going to have a snack. 2013 could be the year of snacks.
It's been a fabulous December. The Christmas season gets super crazy with work parties and church parties and family parties and endless other festivities. Of course, I love all of it, so I'm not complaining. Mostly, I'm just trying to sell you on my excuses for not having written in a long time.
I love everything about Christmas. There are too many awesome things to talk about all of them. But, I'll just share a few of my favorites.
It all starts the day after Thanksgiving. Most of the world loses anything that even resembles sanity. They crowd into stores, claw each other's faces off and sometimes they save a few dollars. I, on the other hand, do all of my shopping online. That means I get to spend time with my good friend, the internet. I also like to brag to others about how I got it all done in a few hours online, this gives me the satisfaction of being smug and superior. Who doesn't enjoy that?
After waiting a few days, the packages begin to arrive. Boxes and boxes of joy come to my house. I love to get it all under the tree as fast as possible.
There is an important reason that the presents need to get under the tree quickly. Once they are under the tree, it is important to feel them, shake them, weigh them and do whatever else is necessary to study them and speculate what might be inside. (But opening them is strictly forbidden. Don't break the rules, you cheater.)
This game is probably my favorite part about Christmas. But I learned the hard way a few years ago that when I win the game by properly guessing my gifts, it makes my wife sad. So, I keep my guesses to myself, and then I can just keep score in my head when I open them.
Then, of course comes Christmas morning. I get super excited, both to open presents and to watch other people open their presents. It's kind of the best thing ever. One important part of the present opening process is that Robyn takes the bows off of the presents and puts them in her hair.
This year, my in-laws surprised me with a pretty awesome present that I didn't even ask for:
I also surprised Robyn by giving her her childhood in a DVD:
There are always good times while opening presents. Sometimes it's important to build a present fort on top of my sister.
All in all, I love Christmas. I love family. I love presents. I love pie. We were even blessed with a white Christmas this year. What more could a guy ask for?
Today is an important day in history. Today is the day that I see The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey for the first time. (I know it comes out tomorrow, but that's for normal people.)
A month or so ago, when it was announced that Disney had purchased the rights to Star Wars, and they were making 3 more movies, naturally I shouted for joy. Robyn asked me if that meant that I would be obsessing about Star Wars for the next few years. I assured her that I was an equal opportunity obsesser and that I would not neglect obsessing about The Hobbit.
So, today, I am keeping that promise. I promise to think about nothing but The Hobbit until the movie is over. I will also continue obsessing about the next 2 movies until I have seen all 3.
Also, I would like to write my review of the movie before I see it.
I loved it. It was the best 3 hours of my life.
The End.
P.S. My favorite character is Smaug. But I don't think he'll be in this movie, since the second one is the Desolation of Smaug.
At the beginning of last month, I told you about the Novembald to Novembeard project. In that post, I promised I would update you, so you could see how the beard went.
Well, they say a picture is worth 1,000 words. What I have for you is a time lapse video that contains 30 pictures chronicling the growth of my beard throughout the month. That means this video is worth 30,000 words. That's like reading half a novel. You should be proud of yourself, you're such a good little reader.
Also, I have 2,000 more words for you. When I shaved the beard I felt it was important to have some fun stages on the way. I spent the entire day as an Amish person.
It was quite amusing. We went to the store and the checkout girl was giving me a funny look, trying to figure out if I was for real. So, naturally, I said, "I'm really excited about this canned food we're buying. I've never had canned food before, what with being Amish and all."
That's when Robyn got really embarrassed and told the girl I wasn't really Amish. Lame.
Then that evening I shaved it just a little more.
I call this one, "Brother Brigham".
But now I'm all shaved and I'm just regular. I hope you enjoyed my 32,000+ words of goodness.
