More people of Google

It's always fun to see what Google searches bring people to my blog.  Sometimes I wonder if they find what they're looking for.  I've done it before.  But I like to respond to some of the google searches.

So, without further ado, the google searches are in bold.  My responses are everything else.

fat guy in white pants
I assume you were brought here by this story, in which my mission companion had to push in my gut while I tried to zip up the white pants in the Bismarck temple.  Worry not.  I'm still fat, but I have my own white pants that fit me just fine.

"road to hana" flowchart
I had to google this to try and guess what you might have been looking for.  As far as I can tell, there are no flowcharts about the road to Hana on the internet.  The good news is, because I love you, dear reader, I have made a flowchart to help you solve your problem of not being in Hana.

coworker took my wifes clothes
I can't say I've ever had that problem.  Although my wife's clothes did blow off once.  Perhaps you should ask your coworker if they would return your wife's clothes.  I'm sure it's all a misunderstanding.

caught in my wife's clothes
I can't say I've ever had that problem, either.  Although we have switched faces, so being caught in my wife's body might be worse.

What a terrible atrocity

man getting eaten by a pig
What's wrong with you?

odoyle42.blogspot.com
If you know the url to my blog, you don't have to google it, you can just type it in the address bar.

question mark on woman
Again, due to the exceptional service you've all gotten used to, I have created this image for you.  My wife has been question marked as well as the woman in the background.  In addition, the man in the background has been exclamation pointed.  That is service.

thoughts on striped shirts
I have nothing against them, but I usually wear shirts with one color, or with an amusing graphic.  The amusing graphic is usually related to something geeky, or to bacon.

trash cans disappearing tucson
The conspiracy is more widespread than I thought.  Perhaps the people in tucson have some answers for why my trash can is disappearing.

zen bamboo
You need to hike the Pipiwai trail on Maui.  You go through the bamboo forest, and it is amazing.  The trail is just past Hana.  Refer to the flowchart above to get to Hana.

Thanks for googling.  Keep searching for me and I'll keep responding

What Google Knows

I recently discovered a fascinating feature on Google.  (By recently, I mean about 15 minutes ago.)  I don't know how long this feature has existed, but I choose to believe that I am the first human being to have discovered it.

You see, Google now has a feature where you can drag images into the search bar and it will search for "similar" images.  Naturally, as soon as I discovered it, I had to play around with it to see what it would return.  Again, naturally, I used various images from recent blog posts of mine.  Some of the results impressed me by how good Google is.  Some of them puzzled me, but made me even more impressed when I realized the correlations.  I'll show you what I mean.

Here is Robyn.  She is precious.  She is in front of scenery.

A search for that image returned this image:

This girl is clearly not as precious.  But she is female and she is in front of scenery.

Not bad, right?  Well, let's see what else Google returns.

Jared and Katherine are so cute as they hold each other lovingly in the forest.

According to Google, Jared and Katherine are just like these warriors:

Look how they lovingly hold their guns in the forest.

The next picture is of Robyn.  She is sporting a beach ball belly to demonstrate what she would look like pregnant.  The picture is indisputably awesome.

Indisputably Awesome. (Just reminding you)

According to Google, what else is indisputably awesome?

Who would doubt the awesomeness of this face?  Google knows what is awesome.

For the next picture, remember when I looked just like an Allosaurus?

I still can't tell which one is me and which is an Allosaurus.

Google thinks that picture looks just like this:

It took me a minute to figure out why Google thought they were the same, but I figured it out.   The little girl is cute, just like me.  The guy is old, just like a dinosaur.  Isn't google wise?

I have one more for you.  This one truly showcases how much Google knows about everything.

It's just me, chillaxin with my delicious green juice.

Google thinks that is just like this:

That's right.  Google thinks I'm just like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.  You may think it's because I have no social skills, or that I'm conceited and full of myself.  Those answers are incorrect.  Google clearly returned this picture because it saw me as a genius and wanted to let the world know that I am as smart as Sheldon.

Aren't you impressed with how much Google knows about the world?

To the People of Google

Through Google Analytics I'm able to see all of the searches that lead people to my blog. Sometimes I think those searches are very interesting. Today I thought it would be fun to respond to some of the searches that have lead people to me. If you performed any of these searches, I hope that you feel the love in my response.

chocolate emergency instructions
Chocolate emergencies are no trivial matter. Though I wrote about Robyn's Chocolate Emergency, I didn't give specific instructions for how to deal with the situation. If your wife or someone you love is having a chocolate emergency, follow these instructions to the letter.
1. Give her chocolate
2. Give her more chocolate
3. Repeat as necessary

april 21st 2011 rise of machines
I have good news. John Connor must have prevented Judgment day because there was no rise of the machines on April 21st. There was also no rapture on May 21st. John Connor may have been involved in preventing that as well, but I'm not sure.

flowchart my breakfast
You must have been disappointed because there was no flowchart to help you know how to eat breakfast. I have good news though. I made a flowchart just for you. The best news is that you can use this flowchart for any meal. Enjoy.

how can i hire someone to rickroll
It's a two step process
1. Pay me money
2. Watch me send a link to rickroll

is ken jennings single

No, he has a wife, two kids and a dog.

low battery detector
Low battery detectors are hard to come by. The key is you have to realize that they are marketed as smoke detectors even though detecting low batteries is their primary function.

i say hardcore
That's a good word to say.

stories about garbage
Well, I did have one story about a garbage conspiracy. But since you're looking for more stories here's another:

Once upon a time there was a boy named Luke. He was trying to rescue a princess from a prison cell. He took his friends Han and Chewie, they got the princess from the cell and they blasted their way into a garbage chute. Once inside, they discovered an incredible smell. The End.

soap is the breakfeast of champions
It really is isn't it? I discovered that it's really good at cleaning you out all the way.

yummy

never violated the prime directive
If you've never violated the prime directive I'm very proud of you. My wife violates it all the time.

Thank you to the people of google.  Keep finding me through searches.  Maybe we'll do this again sometime.

The CIA Needs Better Planning

It's time for another chance to reveal more about the world by exposing common Google searches.

First, if you type "dinosaurs were" you discover that dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel.  This is probably true.  Theologians have long debated how dinosaurs would fit into the creation story in the Bible.  Of course, the CIA didn't fully think it through.  What they failed to realize is that Dinosaurs are awesome!  They should have made up something more boring.  Imagine if paleontologists kept digging up the remains of ancient documentary makers.  They could even dig up fossilized video cassettes of really boring documentaries.  I mean, I'm no guru; but that's what I would have made up if I were in charge of the CIA.

Unfortunately for them, due to the awesomeness of dinosaurs I'm gonna buy me a flux capacitor on ebay and go find out for myself.

Of course, there's another possibility.

It could be the dinosaurs are around today and they're just hiding.  It makes sense.  They had 65 million years to practice at hide and go seek.  I bet they're all in their hiding places just laughing at us because we haven't found them yet.  I mean, I've found them but they told me not to say where.  You should be embarrassed that you haven't found them yet.  They are kicking your trash at hide and go seek.

Things you should never do

I admit it, I'm a nerd.  Sometimes I type random things into google to see what it suggests.  But lucky for you, I have uncovered a great treasure trove of wisdom.  Go into google and type "never p" you'll get some great advice:

I'd like to take the time to discuss a few of these:

Never Pet a Burning Dog
This is not because of any prejudice against burning animals.  It's just that you could burn yourself.  Put the dog out, and then feel free to pet it.  The dog probably doesn't want to be burning anyway.


Never Play Leapfrog With a Unicorn
Again, not a prejudice issue.  It just might not be pretty.  Offer to play something like chess.  Unicorns love chess.

Never Pickup a Duck in a Dungeon
I'm not sure exactly the problem with ducks in dungeons, but I would say it's best to avoid dungeons where possible.  I think it would also be a good idea to never pick up a dragon in a dungeon as well.

Never Put Ketchup on a Hot Dog
That's ridiculous, ketchup is delicious.  Google may be wise, but even google makes mistakes sometimes.

The Dinosaur Experience

To properly understand this blog post, it is important that you have one small experience before we begin. Please go to Google and type in the words "I like". Don't hit search or anything, just take a look at what Google is guessing you're going to type. Doesn't that make you happy? For those of you who are too lazy to have the experience I have included a picture for your convenience.
When I saw that I thought it was hilarious that Google thinks the most likely thing you are searching for is "I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur." But, more then that, I thought that I should have the dinosaur experience myself. So, naturally, I taped my thumbs to my hands, to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur. Here's the thing, I don't feel much like a dinosaur. I tried making dinosaur sounds, or walking like a dinosaur, but neither of these really helped the experience. The only thing I can say is that typing is much more difficult without a thumb so I now understand why I've never happened upon a blog written by a velociraptor.

In case you're wondering where the dinosaur experience started, apparently in one of those facebook notes that you share facts about yourself, someone out there actually shared that (that they tape their thumbs down to feel dinosaur life) as a fact. It was written about in an article on time.com. The article shares 25 random things that people have shared through facebook. The other one I may need to try is #21: "I once sent a teacher into early retirement by pretending to be a cheetah and swiping at her from under a desk."