The Day the Wind Blew My Clothes Off

It would appear that both Robyn and I should stay indoors when the wind is blowing.  Because, try as we might, we are unable to stay fully clothed if the wind gets strong enough.

The above title may not be 100% accurate.  The wind didn't actually blow my clothes off.  But the wind was blowing, and as an indirect result, I lacked clothes.  So I felt it was close enough that you wouldn't begrudge me the use of the sensationalist title.  Plus, I thought it would be a good sequel to my post from last year about when the wind blew my wife's clothes off.

To set the stage for this story, you first need to understand that I have no bum.  I sat down to write this post Sunday evening, and I realized my bumlessness was an important factoid you needed to understand, so I wrote that post instead.

Also, with my recent lifestyle change where I'm trying to be more healthy, one of the things I've been doing is walking on the treadmill each morning before work.  We have a TV in front of the treadmill and I can watch various forms of amusement while I exercise.  Right next to the TV is a window that happens to look directly into my neighbor's backyard.

Okay, so here's the story.

The other morning, there was some crazy wind.  I was walking on my treadmill, minding my own business, when I saw something very large blow into my neighbor's backyard.  My first thought was, "Wow, somebody lost something big."  My second thought was, "Wait, that is ours.  We lost something big."

We recently put together some grow boxes so we could have a garden in our back yard.  We put in fresh mulch and put some big cardboard pieces on top to help keep the soil from drying out.

Those large cardboard pieces had decided to vacate our yard and visit our neighbors.

Naturally, I ran outside in hopes of capturing them before they went too far.

Our neighbors had the excellent foresight to have some big bushes in their backyard.  These bushes captured these cardboard sheets so that I could retrieve them.  I grabbed the sheets and did my best to make my way back to my own yard.

Did I mention it was windy?  Did I mention the cardboard sheets were large?  I've never felt like the wind could blow me away until this moment.

I'm a sailor.  I sail.

It turns out the principles behind sailing apply whether you're in a boat, or just standing there.  The best I could do was plant my feet and not move.  I was successfully not blowing away, but I realized I probably couldn't just stand there and wait for the wind to stop.

I devised a strategy to turn my body around so that the sail would be blowing into me instead of trying to carry me away.  I was able to get turned around, and my strategy worked.  There was still a lot of wind resistance, and movement wasn't exactly easy, but at least I could walk.

Now is the time when you need to remember that I have no bum.  The shorts I wear on the treadmill are the same ones I wear to bed.  They are intentionally loose fitting for maximum comfort.  But since I am more bumless than I was a few months ago, they are especially loose fitting.  (I've taken to hiking them up over my belly while on the treadmill.  I'm sure it's a fantastic sight.)

As I started walking, while simultaneously being tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine, I suddenly realized something that was very disheartening.  My shorts were around my ankles.

By this time I had made my way to my own front yard, which is an excellent place to be standing with your pants around your ankles while fighting the wind to keep yourself vertical.  The other issue was that my hands were somewhat occupied holding onto the cardboard sheet.

I did my best to pull my shorts back up without letting go of the cardboard or blowing away myself.  I slowly waddled my way to the back yard where I restored the cardboard to its home.

If I'd have thought of the rocks beforehand, I could have remained fully clothed.