Pondering Depression

You'll have to forgive me.  This post is a bit of rambling, but I was just thinking about some things and needed to write them down.

There's been a lot of talk about Robin Williams and suicide over the past few days.  There's been a lot of talk about depression and mental illness.

I will be the first to say that I don't comprehend mental illness.  I've had plenty of problems in my life, but one thing I've been blessed with is the ability to control my thoughts, my demeanor and my mood.  It's hard for me to understand a problem that exists in your mind but that can't be fixed by your mind.

I think that's what makes the suicide of Robin Williams so troubling.  He had all of the things that we traditionally think of as bringing happiness.  He had a family that loved him.  He was surrounded by people that adored him.  He had a sense of humor, and the ability to bring laughter and joy to those around him.

He even had plenty of the things that we all like to say don't bring happiness but most of us seek for anyway.  He had wealth.  He had financial security.  He had life experiences.  He had seen many different parts of the world.  He had met thousands of people, fraternizing with the wealthy and the influential.

In short, he had everything.  But he couldn't stop the hurting.

When I look at my life, I feel like I am very blessed.  I have an amazing wife that I adore.  I have a family that loves me.  I have a beautiful home.  I have the ability to travel, and have amazing life experiences.  I'm in the best health of my life.  I'm financially secure.  I have awesome friends.

But do those things make me happy?

I guess I'm just pondering what it is that makes me happy.  I try to look at my life and show gratitude to my Heavenly Father for all the blessings He's given me.  But I don't think I've ever stopped to thank Him for the ability to be happy.  I haven't thanked Him for the ability to chase out the demons that haunt my own head.

The past couple years have had some rough spots for me.  Between being diagnosed with diabetes, and finding out that we couldn't have children, I definitely shed a few tears.  But I've always had the ability to see a ray of hope, to see the silver lining, to feel joy despite my circumstances.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm grateful for that ability.  I'm grateful for joy.  I'm grateful for happiness.

I'm sorry for those who hurt, and can't figure out why.  I'm sorry for those who can't see a way out.  If you're hurting, I send you my love.  I can't fix it.  But know that if I could heal the hurt I would.  If I could give you a cup of my joy, I would.

I don't have anything helpful to say.  But there are plenty of people smarter than me who can say the helpful things.  I just want to say that I hurt for you if you have any form of depression.  I care about you, and I'm sorry that you hurt.