Jeff's Thoughts and Stories

Where Am I?

2012-01-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

I had a strange dream. I need all my psychology experts to tell me what this one means.

I dreamed that I woke up in my bedroom. (Strange place to wake up, right? Give it a moment. It gets weirder.) Only, it wasn't exactly like my bedroom. The light fixture had been torn apart and my nightstand had been moved across the room. I could hear a woman speaking in the other room. Her voice didn't sound like Robyn (it actually sounded like Megan, her sister) but I assumed it was Robyn because no other women live in my house. (At least not that I'm aware of. There could be some lurking in the closet without my knowledge.) I thought she was talking on the phone but I was perplexed as to why she would be on the phone in the middle of the night. (I didn't stop to think that it wasn't really dark in the dream.)

I got up and peaked out of the bedroom. To my astonishment, I discovered the woman in my hallway was not Robyn.

Her face wasn't actually a question mark. The question mark symbolizes the fact that I didn't recognize her.

Upon further examination, my hallway was not my hallway. When the woman saw me, she screamed and ran away. A man (presumably her husband) emerged from a neighboring room. He didn't seem very happy with my presence. At this point I was quite sure that it wasn't my house.

I tried to ask the man, "Where am I?" but the words weren't coming out. What did come out was something along the lines of "mmmmmmm". Apparently I'm not very good at moving my lips while I sleep.

You'd think my inability to speak would clue me in that I was not awake. But no such luck. The man did not seem excited by A)my occupation of his house and B)my strange moaning that was supposed to pass as words. I tried again to ask him, "Where am I?" but was quite unsuccessful.

Finally I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. (I'm sure this definitely won him over to my side.) I tried to yell as loud as I could, "Where am I?" Finally I was successful! The sound of me yelling in the real world woke me up. I was in my bedroom again. Robyn was next to me. I was no longer confused. However, Robyn was confused because of the fact that I was yelling.

I have one interpretation. I was jealous of all the cool stuff Robyn does in her sleep and wanted to be as cool as her. What do you think?

The Midnight Clapper

2012-01-19T22:10:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought Robyn had ceased doing interesting things in her sleep, she decided to give me another story.

I was drifting in the world of slumber, gently floating through the happiness of dreams, when suddenly I awoke to the sound of clapping.

I hope this image helps you imagine the sound I was hearing

I opened up my eyes just in time to see Robyn clap her hands a few more times before exclaiming, "Yay!"

I've learned through experience that if I can get her to interact with me when she is asleep, the awesomeness multiplies ten fold.

So, I asked, "Why are you clapping?"

"snefgargle"

She doesn't always speak english when she's asleep. She often speaks in tongues. So I thought I'd try a different question. I thought maybe she was cheering herself on. "Did you do it?"

(This was said with much pride.) "MMMmmmmHHHhhhhhMMMmmm"

"What did you do?"

At this point she decided she had enough of this conversation. She rolled over and quietly continued sleeping.

We may never know what Robyn did that she was impressed with herself enough to incite applause. But what I do know for sure is that I'm glad we don't have those lights that are activated by clapping. That would have just ruined my whole world.

The World Under the Water

2012-01-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I made a very important purchase. This purchase will probably change my life. It might even change yours. (But I'm going to assume it will change mine more than yours.)

Before I tell you what I bought, I have to explain why I need it. You see, Robyn and I went to Hawaii a few years ago. While there I did such important things as snorkeling. I saw all sorts of amazing things (fish, turtles, sharks, Robyn) under the water. I really wanted to share all the neat things I had seen. Unfortunately, our camera couldn't get wet so we purchased some disposable, waterproof cameras.

Let's just say that when I developed the film in the disposable cameras, I was disappointed that they didn't quite capture what I was seeing. Ever since that moment I have really wanted a good digital, waterproof camera. Robyn and I have been putting a few dollars away every month and finally the day came that I was able to purchase my waterproof camera. (In case you weren't paying attention, that is the important purchase.)

I promised that this purchase would change your life and now I'm going to explain how. You see, now I'll be able to document so many important things. For example, have you ever wondered what it would look like if you were a fish swimming in my bath tub and I was looking down at you? Well, you no longer need to wonder because I have documented that for you.

That is my "hello precious fish" smile

What if you were a fish and I was trying to say "hello". What would that be like? I have documented that as well.

I hope you feel like your life has changed. But if you feel like your life is still the same, fear not, there will be plenty of other underwater items for me to share. Your life could change yet.

The Tale of Two Lasagnas

2012-01-10T08:34:00.001-07:00

Lasagna is awesome. I just thought I'd mention that. It's something you should be aware of before I regale you with the tale of the two lasagnas and how they came to be.

So every once in a while Robyn gets tired of making dinner and requests that I take over for a night. We both know in our hearts that her dinners are more awesome, but since it had been a long time since she asked me to make dinner I decided to go ahead and volunteer.

I told her I would make lasagna. (It's one of the five meals I know how to make.) I began inspecting the ingredients we had available and I quickly concluded that we did not have enough of any of the ingredients I needed. I decided we needed more noodles, cheese, sauce, meat, the whole works. Robyn seemed to think I was crazy but she was nice about it and didn't say anything. (Although she gave me that disapproving look of hers.) But she even bought me more ingredients when she was at the store.

I began cooking up a storm. I was boiling the noodles and browning the meat simultaneously. I was so proud of myself, I was such a domestic little husband. I got everything ready and began building my layers of lasagna goodness.

Well, the pan filled up. I made a glorious lasagna. People came from miles around just to see what an astounding lasagna I had made. They marveled at the delicious cheese and noodley goodness.

Unfortunately, that's when I realized there was a small problem. I had only used half of all the ingredients I had prepared. When I pointed this out to Robyn, she broke her vow of silence on the issue. You see, she's very sneaky when she disagrees with me. When things are not yet proven, she stays quiet but gives me the knowing look. It's her way of foreshadowing that she's going to say something along the lines of "I told you so." Once she is proven right, then comes her moment of victory when she tells me how she knew it all along. She let me know quite clearly that I was crazy in thinking I needed all of the ingredients I had made her buy.

But then, a true miracle happened. We got out another pan and I made another lasagna. Can you think of a happier ending to a story? We ate our fill and still had 1.75 lasagnas as leftovers. Is there anything more awesome? I say unto you, 'nay'.

If it's not looking amazingly delicious, keep in mind this is the second lasagna that has been in the fridge a couple days. Worry not, I will still partake of its goodness.

The Best Post of 2012

2012-01-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

Well, another year has transpired. I had a fabulous 2011 and I thought I should summarize some of the greatest happenings. Those of you who follow this blog will have seen some of them already. But worry not, there will be a few items I haven't talked about as well.

Here are the things I remember being awesome about 2011:

1. Saw Yosemite National Park for the first time

It became necessary to swallow Yosemite Falls

2. Ate at a buffet in Las Vegas until it hurt. (Not a recommended strategy, but it was so good.)
3. Tried a genuine Chicago Hot Dog

One of the best hot dogs I've ever had.

4. Saw the Blue Man Group perform and later dressed as a Blue Man myself

5. Read 29 books for a total of 9,195 pages
6. Stood in one of the Great Lakes (Lake Michigan)
7. Visited Carthage Jail and saw the room where Joseph Smith was martyred

Jared and I look just like Joseph and Hyrum

8. Picked up several new computer languages/skill sets
9. Got 365 days older (this means I survived the entire year)
10. Accomplished 12 items on my bucket list
11. Had a root canal (awesome things aren't always good things)
12. Visited the temple at least once a month and went inside 9 temples I had never visited before

This is the San Diego temple. It looks like a castle where a princess would live.

13. Stood in the Ocean (Pacific)
14. Lifted a Million Pounds
15. Tried Chocolate Covered Bacon
16. Bought a new house
17. Turned 30 (became old)

As you can see, 2011 was an incredible year. I hope 2012 will be just as good. I'm not quite sure exactly what adventures will be included. I'm not sure if it will be able to measure up. I'm going to Hawaii in June, so that will be exciting. But I'm probably not buying a new house so things may not be as crazy.

Either way, I'm sure that the coming year will be amazing. What did you do in the past year that was exciting? What are you looking forward to this year?

P.S. I know this post wasn't amazing but it is the best I've done this year. I'll try to make sure it isn't the best post for long.

My own Christmas Carol

2011-12-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

Christmas is awesome. I love spending time with family, eating delicious food, giving gifts, receiving gifts, and listening to great Christmas music.

There's one song that I've heard a lot on the radio. The lyrics don't quite jive with the way I see things. So I decided to rewrite the song the way I would have written it. Here goes:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.
The very next day you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears, I'm gonna hunt that other guy down and get my heart back. It's been a rough year being heartless. Once I get it back, I'm not going to give it to frivolous girls like you who give out hearts like candy. The heart is a very important organ, you know? I'm going to protect it. I'm going to treat it like my precious. Somewhat like Gollum. But not in a "lose it to Bilbo Baggins and follow it all the way to Mordor and end up in a pit of molten lava" sort of way, but more in the "stroke it and call it 'my precious' and tell everyone it was a birthday present" sort of way.

What do you think? I kind of like it, but perhaps there's a reason I don't write songs. I'm just glad that Robyn didn't give my heart away. I am free to pump blood through my body for the entire holiday.

Merry Christmas Eve!

I Need to Be Loud

2011-12-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

"Mom, sometimes I need to be loud."

Words of wisdom spoken by a little child. Don't you ever feel like you just can't be quiet? Sometimes there's just so much pent up energy, that it comes out of you in a loud way.

I was home teaching a family. (In my faith, we are asked to visit members of our congregation in their homes. We make sure their needs are taken care of and share a gospel message on a monthly basis.) We visited for a while and got to know each other while their little boy played with his toys. When it came time to share the message they told their little boy that he could continue to play but he needed to be quiet. That's when he said with dismay, "But mom, sometimes I need to be loud."

I told him that I felt the same way all the time. I am not a particularly quiet person. Sometimes I just need to be loud. He played quietly, but I did my best to keep it short so that he wouldn't have to be quiet for too long. I know all too well how difficult that can be.

That night, Robyn and I were laying in bed. We were discussing our day, and Robyn said something that didn't make very much sense to me. I pointed out that it didn't make sense. That's when Robyn (loudly) shared this pearl of wisdom: "It's too sleepy to make sense. That's why I'm yelling." (She says awesome stuff when she's tired.)

You see, ever since the two of us turned 30, our house has become a very sleepy place. That's what happens when you're old. Also, apparently, the volume control no longer works on our voices. So, whether your in your old age (thirties) or you are very young, sometimes you just need to be loud.

A Chance to Help

2011-12-12T15:45:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine asked me to help her spread the word about a Christmas project she is putting together. There is an individual named Chathura who is from Sri Lanka. His father died when he was 15 years old and he has not been home to Sri Lanka to see his mother in 4 years.

A few of his friends in the BYU Adlab decided it would be fun to buy him a plane ticket and give him the chance to go home for Christmas. Unfortunately, they are poor college students themselves. But, not to be deterred, they decided to put the word out to the people of the internet. (That's you.) They only need $3000 to grant this opportunity to a deserving friend.

In today's economy we are all strapped for cash. There are many worthy causes out there. Fortunately, this is something that can be accomplished easily if each of us give just a little. A few dollars from a lot of people adds up pretty quickly. You can donate through Paypal if you have an account, or simply with a credit card if you don't.

If you still need convincing here are some videos to do just that:

Watch this video to learn about their project.

Send Chathura Home from BYU Adlab on Vimeo.

Watch this one to meet Chathura:

A
Meet Chathura from BYU Adlab on Vimeo.

If you still need convincing, just look at that precious face.

Now that you are convinced, you can go to sendchathurahome.com to donate a few dollars to help make a Merry Christmas for someone else. Do it quickly! They won't accept donations after they reach $3000, and you will have lost your chance to be a part of a little miracle.

Thanks for your help and have a very merry Christmas!

Why language matters

2011-12-10T21:31:00.000-07:00

I was not an English major. I am not one who tries to critique other people's grammar or spelling. But the more I read other people's writing, the more I feel that people need to gain a basic understanding of the English language.

You see, I play Hanging With Friends on my iPhone. (It's a hangman game where you select words for each other to guess.) I play some with friends as well as allowing it to match me up with strangers.

Of course, I do my best to select more difficult words, (because I like to win) but it's not like I make up words. I only use words that I am already aware of.

I was playing a game with a stranger and I made the word "magi". I thought it would be a somewhat difficult word to guess but I didn't think it would be a word that was unrecognizable.

The stranger didn't guess the word. Woot! Point for me! But then they sent me a message saying, "since wen iz magi a {swear word} wrd??". I answered, "It's the plural of mage." But then, fearing that my answer was inadequate, I sent another message, "Which is like a wizard."

Now, here's my concern. I don't expect everyone to know what a mage is. Perhaps they never played warcraft and never had to deal with that stupid spell where mages turn your army into sheep. But, if you can't master such words as 'when', 'is' or 'word' then I'm just going to guess that 'mage' is out of your reach. The good news is that the swear word was spelled correctly, although it's debatable whether that was a proper usage of that word.

So here is my plea to all the people of Earth. Pay attention to your grammar, your spelling and your punctuation. It doesn't have to be perfect, but be aware that effective use of the language brings effective communication.

Please don't eat grandpa.

One Million Pounds

2011-12-06T21:21:00.000-07:00

Do you have a million pounds of stuff? I could totally move it. It's no biggy. I move a million pounds all the time. Okay, maybe not all the time. But I've done it once.

You see, I've been trying to lose some weight. (No, I don't weigh a million pounds. I know that's where you think this story is going.) So, for the past few months I've been working out at the gym. In August I started recording my workouts. I've kept a record of everything that I've lifted. As of right now, the total that I've lifted since August 11th is 1,001,570 pounds.

Now, I know you're impressed. And why wouldn't you be? That's 12.5 eighteen wheelers. That's two (empty) 747 planes. That's 83 elephants. Or (most importantly) that's 1,477,541 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. Of course, most of the machines at the gym have you lifting weight up about 2 feet. So I have taken a few months to move 83 elephants 24 inches. They could have moved themselves but they weren't doing it.

In the process I have also moved 2 inches off of my belly and 2% of my body fat has been banished.

This is pretty much what I look like now.

So if you need a couple planes moved a couple feet, just let me know. I'll totally take care of it.

Happy Birthday to My Love

2011-12-03T10:03:00.000-07:00

Thirty years ago today, a very important event happened in history. When Robyn asked me if I remembered what happened today, I told her that I remember that her mom got sick and had to go to the hospital, but I couldn't remember what was wrong. That made her cranky, but I remember now what it was. Thirty years ago my beautiful wife Robyn came into the world. (She wasn't my wife at the time. I was like 6 months old, that would be awkward.)

We were both this precious thirty years ago, but our preciousness was separate.

To commemorate 30 years of Robyn, I have decided to write 30 things I love about her.

Warning: possible mushiness ahead. Proceed at your own risk.

Robyn,

1. I love that you always want to do what is right.
2. I love that you always sound cute when you sneeze. (Readers of the blog: I will try to get you audio or video, but I have not yet achieved that.)
3. I love that you make such a cute face when you're cranky

How can you not love that cranky face?

4. I love that you're always willing to have fun
5. I love that you make amazing food
6. I love that you love to learn and grow
7. I love that you help me become a better person
8. I love that you do the most humorous things while sleeping

Reading while sleeping is a special talent

9. I love that you're fun and creative
10. I love that you make our home beautiful
11. I love that you're a hotty
12. I love that you like to surprise me
13. I love that you love the Lord
14. I love that you think I'm funny even when I'm not.
15. I love that you think you're funny even when you're not.
16. I love that we have great and exciting experiences together
17. Did I mention your cooking?
18. I love that we're just so precious together

Our precious level is off the charts

19. I love that you always follow your heart
20. I love that you know when to seek counsel and when to follow what you know
21. I love that you have amazing empathy for others
22. I love that you have a gift with children, you bring out the best in them

23. I love that you have awesome hair

It's oh so fun to play with

24. I love that you truly are my best friend
25. Oh Whoah Dang! (See reason #11)
26. I love when you do the cold run (I wish I had pictures. When Robyn is cold, she does this run where she tucks her arms in and does a cute little waddle.)
27. I love that you are a creative thinker and have brilliant ideas.
28. I love that you came with an awesome family that has welcomed me and made me feel loved.
29. I love that you love reading and value knowledge.
30. I love that the last 3 years have been the best in my life.

Robyn, I love you so much! I love you more than bacon. I love you more than chocolate milk. I love you more than Blu-Ray discs or books. I hope you have the most amazing birthday of your life.

P.S. As you pass into your thirties I hope this post was sufficiently loving as well as embarrassing. I love you!

The Tale of the Free Book

2011-11-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

Come little children, gather round. I will tell you a story of swashbuckling pirates, true love, giants, deception, and war. Okay, not really. If you want that story you should read The Princess Bride.

But, I am going to tell you a story about Goodreads and how I got a free book. I know it doesn't sound as interesting, and that may be because it's not as interesting. But it was a neat experience for me, so I hope you find it at least somewhat to your liking.

You see, about 2 years ago I decided that it would be cool to write a review on Goodreads, of every book that I read. I really don't know how much value they give to others. I mostly do it to help me remember what I liked and didn't like about each book as well as remembering quotes or themes that I was able to pull out of the book.

Since it's been a few years and I am an avid reader, I have built up quite a set of reviews. I don't know exactly how many there are but I would guess it's around 80 or 90.

Well, apparently my reviews are not bad because I got an email from a blogger that I have followed for a long time. He recently came out with a book and I had added it to my list of books to read but had not yet actually purchased or read it. He desired in his heart for me to review his book. This is what the email said:

Jeff, I noticed you've marked my book, "Uncommon Sense: A Common Citizen's Guide to Rebuilding America," as "to-read." I'll make you a deal: I'll send you a free copy if you promise to 1) read it as soon as possible, and 2) post your review on Goodreads and Amazon. What do you say? If you're up for it, I'd just need your mailing address. Thanks! Stephen Palmer

This would be an excellent cover for a book about uncommon sense.

Now, for someone who writes a review of every book I read, this seemed like a phenomenally good deal. Especially since I have found Stephen Palmer's blog to be well written and insightful. Naturally, I sent him my address with great haste.

When the book arrived, I opened it up and saw this.

I guess I didn't realize he would sign it. It made me feel suddenly cool and in the know. I had an author sign his book for me, and not because I stood in a line at a Wal-Mart where he was signing books, but because he actually wanted me to read it. (Authors are not like real people to me. They're like celebrities, only more intelligent. They say smart stuff that people read. I apologize if my geeking out about this is disgusting you.)

I hungrily devoured the book. I found it to be filled with wisdom. I found that the note he wrote in the front of the book was an excellent thesis for the entire book. Change really does begin with you and me, and not in Washington. The message really spoke to me and I learned a lot from the book. (You can read my full review and list of awesome quotes from the book here.)

There are two morals to this story. (I bring you so much wisdom and morality.) The first is that you should read this book. It's an easy read and you can buy it at amazon or borrow my copy that has been signed by the author. (I like rubbing it in.)

The second is that if you write a book you should let me read it for free. I promise to write a good review. Unless your book is really bad, then I am willing to not write a review, which would be kinder than actually writing the review of how bad your book is. But if you're planning to write a really bad book, my suggestion is don't do it.

It should be noted that my friend Chanel has written a book. She graduated from normal person to smart person, who has written stuff that people pay to read. She let me read her book for free as well. It was an excellent read. I even wrote a review. So buy her book on amazon.

All the rest of you who have not sent me free books: Let's get on that.

The Foursquare Enforcer

2011-11-17T17:57:00.001-07:00

I met the foursquare enforcer. He's very real. So you better not ever cheat on foursquare.

I know, most of you don't even know what foursquare is. Now I'm going to have to explain it to you and simultaneously reveal my own high level of nerditude.

Foursquare is a mobile application where you can track where you are and share it with your friends. It uses the GPS in your phone to see where you are, then you "check in" to nearby venues. Your friends can see where you are checked in, you can comment and share pictures of the places.

When you check in to certain types of places you get special badges that appear on your profile letting people know that you have done such noteworthy things as gone bowling, eaten hot dogs, or checked in really late on a school night. It's pretty high class stuff. Also, the person who has checked in to a given location the most times in the past two months is deemed the mayor of that location. Some businesses even give discounts for checking in or becoming the mayor of their establishment.

This is where the story gets somewhat embarrassing. I wanted a certain badge on foursquare that you earn by checking in to an office a certain number of times. Whoever added my work to foursquare did not categorize it as an office. Therefore, I was checking in every day to a real estate office across the parking lot.

That's when the foursquare enforcer swooped in and commented on my checkin.

Wherever there are people checking in from several hundred yards away. I'll be there!

He reprimanded me for my evil ways and exhorted me to never check in there again. I explained to him the importance of me getting this badge and asked him why it was so important that I not check in. This was his response:

Because other people who actually work here want the mayorship. If you want to cheat, just make up a new fake office.

I really wanted to mock him for feeling so strongly about a dumb phone application. Every ounce of my soul really wanted to pour forth some mocking words. But then I remembered that I was the one who was cheating in the dumb cell phone application. All the mocking really should be directed at me. I had to sheepishly tell him that I wouldn't check in there again and he was free to pursue the mayorship of his dreams.

I'll get you next time foursquare enforcer! You haven't seen the last of me!

Thus ends the sad tale of how the foursquare cheater was defeated by the foursquare enforcer. Isn't it funny how the foursquare cheater looks just like me except with more hair and an awkwardly photoshopped head? Totally crazy.

The Toothpaste Miracle

2011-11-04T17:17:00.000-06:00

Life is filled with small miracles. Toothpaste tubes are one example.

You probably don't agree. You probably think I'm crazy. You're probably right. But all I know is that I have witnessed the toothpaste miracle many times throughout my life. You probably have too. You just don't realize it.

Let me tell you my story and then you'll understand.

It all started when I laid down in my bed before brushing my teeth at night. We all know how powerful the bed is when you're sleepy. Once you're laying down it is nearly impossible to get up again. But there is another force almost equally as powerful. That force is the clean, satisfied feeling you get when you lay in bed after having brushed your teeth. I think my dilemma is probably clear. I didn't want to get out of bed, but I didn't want to go to sleep without brushing my teeth.

This is when I started using persuasive tactics to convince Robyn that she should brush my teeth. I started explaining how I clearly couldn't do it myself. I tried to help her understand that it would be such a terrible tragedy if I had to get out of bed. To my surprise, she agreed to brush my teeth. She grabbed my tube (We have separate toothpaste, for marital harmony. Also because she uses a special toothpaste for sensitive teeth. But mostly for marital harmony. We can both squeeze it from wherever we like.) She exclaimed, "You don't have any toothpaste left."

This is what she was looking at:

You see, it looks like it's been squeezed to the max. But the toothpaste miracle is that you can always squeeze out enough to brush your teeth just one more time. It's looked like this for at least a month. I'm pretty sure I can go a few more weeks before I throw it away. Even when I throw it away I will know in my heart that I could have gone one more time, if I'd just squeezed it a little harder.

So I explained the miracle to Robyn. She gave it a good squeeze and then proceeded to come at me with a loaded toothbrush. At this point I had many regrets. I regretted making the request that she brush my teeth. I also regretted explaining the toothpaste miracle to her. I expressed my regrets and told her I would brush my own teeth. She said it was too late, I had sealed my fate.

What happened next was right out of an action movie. You know how there's always the bad guy with a knife and the hero has to hold the villain's arm so that he doesn't get stabbed while he struggles to disarm his foe? That's what happened, only the knife was a toothbrush, I was the hero and Robyn was the villain. I successfully disarmed her (or debrushed her) and she went away grumbling something about how she was only trying to help.

Then, with great effort, I got out of bed and went to the sink to brush my teeth. At least I didn't have to squeeze the toothpaste tube. But, don't worry. There will always be enough for one more time.

The Making of a Blue Man

2011-10-31T21:28:00.000-06:00

Did I mention I love Halloween? Well, this year my costume idea turned out to be a little more ambitious than in past years. I just really wanted to be a blue man.

I think i pulled it off pretty well. But the process turned out to be much more involved than I originally thought. I started out looking like this:

Not a Blue Man

There are a few problems with the above picture. Such as:
1. I'm not blue. I'm rather white.
2. I have hair.

We decided to tackle the second problem first. The first step was to trim my hair down so it would be easier to shave.

White man with short hair is not equal to blue man

That step wasn't too scary. I normally cut my hair pretty short. The next step was new for me. I needed to shave my head. So, I had to lather up with shave gel.

Precious? Yes. Blue Man? No.

Robyn helped out quite a bit. She was the one who actually ran the razor over every inch of my head. The result was a completely bald Jeff.

I could have stopped here and gone as Mr. Clean

Finally, with no hair to get in the way I could begin the application of makeup.

This was the beginning of a ridiculously long process

Fast forward about five years later. While I was applying my makeup, Robyn was putting together her costume. I think we were officially the cutest couple ever.

Who would have thought that Cindy Lou Who would grow up to fall in love with a Blue Man?

The Aftermath
We went to a party with some friends, where I was able to share my blueness. When I got home, I hopped in the shower and discovered the makeup was a little more difficult to remove than I thought. I eventually got the hang of applying soap, makeup remover and plenty of elbow grease. When I got out of the shower, I had cleaned up my skin for the most part, but it turned out my eyebrows were a little more difficult.

I was hoping it would be a permanent look.

Robyn said my blue eyebrows were unacceptable for bed. She felt that our entire bed would turn blue if I had blue eyebrows. I didn't feel that was true. But since I didn't try it, I can neither confirm nor deny the veracity of the blue bed theory.

Her belief in the blue bed theory was very strong so she got out the makeup removal kit and proceeded to scrub my eyebrows while I played on facebook. It was a little awkward, but we both got what we wanted. I wanted to play on facebook and she wanted my eyebrows to cease being blue. Talk about a win/win.

In the end, it was a lot of work, but the awesomeness was totally worth it. Now it's time to start planning next year's costume.

The Haunted Date

2011-10-28T18:21:00.000-06:00

This week I went on a date. It wasn't with my wife. That was my sensationalist opening line that's supposed to draw you in. Are you drawn in? If not, there's not much I can do to keep you around. I'll just cut my losses and send you to see dancing badgers.

For the rest of you that are still around, I have a story to tell. You see, I love Halloween. I love scary movies. I love wearing cool costumes. Most of all, I love haunted houses. When I was single, one of my most beloved traditions was that every year I would take a girl to a haunted house. I went with the hopes that something would frighten me, but it was important to take a girl so that I could be amused when she was frightened, even if I wasn't.

I always figured I would find someone who I would fall in love with and take her to a haunted house every year for the rest of my life. (Ahh the naivete of youth) Then I met Robyn. It turned out I loved her even though she is much too frightened of haunted houses. Naturally, we got married.

The sad part of the story is that I hadn't been to a haunted house since beginning to date Robyn. (She did try to go to a haunted house. That's how much she loves me. But it didn't really work out.)

But then I saw a commercial for the Haunted Circus. The commercial was seriously creepy. I knew deep down in my soul that I needed to go. I also knew that it was important to bring a girl for screaming purposes and that girl wasn't going to be my wife. That's when I got the brilliant idea to ask my little sister Mellen (Her name is MariEllen but I call her Mellen because that's how I roll.) on a date. We had lots of fun. She even screamed properly when she was supposed to.

This is how precious we looked before we went in.

I have a few other pictures to share. At my wife's request, I am not posting them directly, you'll have to follow links. Remember that one time I had that creepy night visitor? Remember how I told the story and posted some creepy images to go along with it? I got in big trouble for that. Robyn made it clear that I am not allowed to be scary on my blog or else she will never read it again. She told me she doesn't want to see any pictures from the haunted circus. So I am respecting that and only linking to them. (But be warned. They're not very scary. So click on them at your own risk.)

When we got there, there was a giant creepy clown roaming around the entrance. I asked him if I could have a picture with him. Mellen said that having him pose for a picture ruined his creepiness.

Later, I made Mellen pose with a creepy clown.

Then she had me pose with one. She told me I didn't look scared enough, so this is my scared face.

We had good times together. She clearly wasn't the most screamy girl there, but I was totally okay with that. There was one part where we came out of one of the circus trailers and there was a guy standing there with an ax. I commented that he was kind of creepy and Mellen agreed. He said he was offended by that, and was going to have to chop off her head. I tried to explain to him that that kind of rhetoric might be the reason that he's coming off as creepy. He didn't seem to want to reason with me.

I did actually get frightened a couple times. There was one strange headless creature that ran at me and really surprised me. I didn't scream or anything, I just kind of giggled. Mellen said it was really funny. After the initial shock wore off I told the creature that I really liked him and I gave him a high five.

All in all, it was an excellent date. Mellen and I agreed that we need to make it an annual event. Aren't sisters great?

Will it microwave?

2011-10-23T11:55:00.003-06:00

My wife got a new microwave this past week. But that's not what this post is about. You see, a new microwave means that we have an old ghetto microwave that doesn't matter if it gets ruined. An old ghetto microwave means we have the chance to answer the age old question of "Will it microwave?"

It is such an important question to answer that I thought I would share my findings with all of you. By the way, don't try this at home. Just come over to my place instead. We'll have good times.

Here are all the things we tried microwaving. (Actually, it's not all. Some of them weren't that interesting. These are all the ones that were cool and/or amusing.) Thanks be unto my brother Zack for being the face of the "Will it Microwave?" movement.

A CD

Microwaving CDs has been a pass time of children for centuries. I'm pretty sure I've seen cave paintings of kids putting CDs in microwaves. Nevertheless, I felt it was an appropriate place to start.

A DVD
DVDs may look a lot like CDs but the technology is fairly different. It turns out DVDs are not as cool to microwave as CDs. But there are still some fun sparks and goodness.

A Fork
This was one of my favorites. The awesomeness is overwhelming.

A marshmallow
Microwaves make marshmallows multiply. It's like when gremlins get wet.

A zinger
Zingers are kind of like twinkies with frosting on top. We were hoping it would explode or expand or something. It mostly just melted, but still pretty cool.

A match under a glass bowl
This contraption was something my brother had seen videos of. It turns out its awesome. This was probably my favorite. I am not an expert in physics so I have no idea why this happens. I am an expert in awesome, so I can tell you this is definitely awesome. If there is a physicist in the house, perhaps they can explain what is happening here.

I hope I've helped you answer the eternal question of "Will it microwave?". It turns out being an adult is just like being a kid, only when you own the microwave your mom can't get mad at you for doing things that could break it.

Third anniversary

2011-10-17T22:17:00.000-06:00

I told you before that for our third anniversary Robyn got a microwave and I got a trip to Shoshone Falls. We got back from our trip yesterday. It turned out to be a fun and relaxing little trip. We saw just enough things to make it fun, but not so many that we couldn't relax. Here are a few of the experiences we had.

As we drove into Twin Falls, I told Robyn that we were going to drive over a huge bridge. The Snake River has formed a giant canyon that is pretty amazing. But as we were driving across the super flat area approaching the city, we began to doubt that we would see a massive canyon with a bridge going over it. Then suddenly it appeared.

I.B. Perrine Bridge AKA biggest bridge ever

I was pretty sure it was a bridge, but luckily someone helped me to confirm my belief.

Of course, the site that I came to see was Shoshone Falls. They call it the Niagara of the West. It is actually taller than Niagara Falls but not as wide. As we drove down the canyon road approaching the overlook I could see the top of the falls and I just began to be giddy. I was super excited, this is a very important item on my bucket list. I parked in the parking lot and ran down the stairs to the overlook. Robyn took my picture in front of the falls and a nice little bonus rainbow.

I didn't see any gold at the end of the rainbow.

The falls were beautiful. They haven't had this much water flowing for years.

I was pretty excited about it. Robyn took a video of me. We all know that I sound special needs when I get excited. She said I could sound smarter if I told some random facts. That's why I start rambling about how much water is flowing. I don't think it worked, but you can enjoy the view of the falls nonetheless. Here I am in front of the falls.

Oh, and it's important to prove Robyn was there as well.

Isn't she precious?

After Shoshone Falls we went to Twin Falls. Twin Falls got its name because there were two different water falls coming on both sides of a large rock. Unfortunately, the power plant has dammed up one side of the falls, so it's not really a twin fall anymore. But here is the waterfall.

See the dam on the right? This is unifall.

Through all of our explorations we got to see this massive canyon. It was amazing.

Looking at this it's hard to believe we couldn't see it until we were almost on top of it.

All in all, it was a fabulous trip. We got to see some amazing beauty as well as enjoy some quiet time together. Next year is Robyn's turn to plan the anniversary. Let's hope it's awesome.

My longest Roommate

2011-10-11T20:04:00.000-06:00

Today is an important day in history. Three years ago Robyn and I took the plunge and became man and wife. That means today is our third Anniversary. The third anniversary is a very important milestone. You see, today is the day that Robyn becomes the roommate I have lived with the longest. (This is clearly excluding siblings and parents.)

That's right, for 3 years I lived with these individuals:

Though I have a great love for Conor and Jordan I feel that I definitely traded up. For the past 3 years I have been married to the love of my life.

Way cuter than Conor and Jordan.

It's been a thrill ride and an adventure. I'm so glad that I get to be with my love forever. I look forward to many more years together. Robyn, I love you more than bacon. (I clearly don't love Conor and Jordan more than bacon.)

Stay tuned for more on our Anniversary. Robyn gets a new microwave and I get a trip to see Shoshone Falls. So don't change the channel!

What Google Knows

2011-10-07T21:52:00.000-06:00

I recently discovered a fascinating feature on Google. (By recently, I mean about 15 minutes ago.) I don't know how long this feature has existed, but I choose to believe that I am the first human being to have discovered it.

You see, Google now has a feature where you can drag images into the search bar and it will search for "similar" images. Naturally, as soon as I discovered it, I had to play around with it to see what it would return. Again, naturally, I used various images from recent blog posts of mine. Some of the results impressed me by how good Google is. Some of them puzzled me, but made me even more impressed when I realized the correlations. I'll show you what I mean.

Here is Robyn. She is precious. She is in front of scenery.

A search for that image returned this image:

This girl is clearly not as precious. But she is female and she is in front of scenery.

Not bad, right? Well, let's see what else Google returns.

Jared and Katherine are so cute as they hold each other lovingly in the forest.

According to Google, Jared and Katherine are just like these warriors:

Look how they lovingly hold their guns in the forest.

The next picture is of Robyn. She is sporting a beach ball belly to demonstrate what she would look like pregnant. The picture is indisputably awesome.

Indisputably Awesome. (Just reminding you)

According to Google, what else is indisputably awesome?

Who would doubt the awesomeness of this face? Google knows what is awesome.

For the next picture, remember when I looked just like an Allosaurus?

I still can't tell which one is me and which is an Allosaurus.

Google thinks that picture looks just like this:

It took me a minute to figure out why Google thought they were the same, but I figured it out. The little girl is cute, just like me. The guy is old, just like a dinosaur. Isn't google wise?

I have one more for you. This one truly showcases how much Google knows about everything.

It's just me, chillaxin with my delicious green juice.

Google thinks that is just like this:

That's right. Google thinks I'm just like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. You may think it's because I have no social skills, or that I'm conceited and full of myself. Those answers are incorrect. Google clearly returned this picture because it saw me as a genius and wanted to let the world know that I am as smart as Sheldon.

Aren't you impressed with how much Google knows about the world?

The Staycation

2011-09-28T22:30:00.002-06:00

This past Saturday Robyn and I decided we needed a vacation. You can understand why. It had been 6 days since we got home from San Diego so we were pretty much due for another vacation.

Unfortunately, since we had just taken a trip it wasn't really feasible to take another. But we did something almost as awesome. We took a "vacation from our problems". It was the most fabulous thing ever.

I got up in the wee hours of the morning to mow the lawn before Robyn woke up. That way I could be on vacation the rest of the day. We started by going out to breakfast. Robyn picked a place that had been featured on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives(she's a Food Network guru). It was called the Blue Plate Diner. I had a most delicious omelet with "homefries" (yummy fried potatoes) and pancakes. It filled my heart with gladness and took away all my sadness.

More yummy than you can possibly imagine

After that we went to Sugarhouse Park and walked around the whole park. According to Google Maps we only walked 1.4 miles, so we probably didn't burn off our delicious breakfast, but we had fun anyway.

We found this fun pond

We also found this cool tunnel going under the road.

When I saw the cool tunnel I wanted to be a fugitive being chased by a U.S. Marshal. I could tell him I didn't kill my wife and he wouldn't care. Maybe that actually wouldn't be fun.

For lunch, we used our new juicer to make some delicious juice. It was soo good. We put in all sorts of things like grapes, carrots, spinach, apples and pears. It juiced them all for us and spit out this goodness.

I know you don't usually drink green things, but it's awesome I promise.

Look how happy it made me.

That evening we got to go out to eat again. We went out for some Thai food. It was awesome. I need to visit Thailand for the food. That is how I feel.

When you're on vacation you get to go out for dessert as well. We went out for cupcakes and "cake bites". Cake bites are apparently the new trendy thing among desserts. I'm unaware of what is trendy. But I am aware of what is delicious.

These are delicious.

The moral of the story is that normal life is lame. But you can be on vacation just by sayin' so.

Grooving in a Wagon

2011-09-25T22:07:00.001-06:00

I was posting my San Diego pics to facebook. I discovered that there were two shots of me on a wagon that were kind of awesome when viewed quickly in succession. Naturally, I made an animated gif out of them. I hope you appreciate this awesomeness.

My little jig motivates the oxen

Edit: It appears that the animation doesn't work in all browsers. If you click on the image it will take you to the raw image on my site where the animation seems to work more universally.

San Diego

2011-09-19T22:22:00.001-06:00

This has been a crazy week for me. I started out the week in Chicago for work. I flew home and was in Utah for about 15 hours and then got on another plane. We flew to San Diego for a wedding as well as a bit of fun and relaxation.

We did a variety of things while we were there. First, we went to the Mormon Battalion museum. We learned that the Mormon Battalion actually helped build the city of San Diego in its early days. Cool huh? They even let us become honorary members of the Battalion.

Robyn and I still look just like we did in 1847.

As members of the battalion we rode our covered wagon. Graham was king of the wagon.

We also made a stop at the beach. It was not exactly warm though, so we didn't swim. Just waded in the water a little and chilled on the beach.

You can't beat the self portrait on the iphone.

I found this sand dollar. I'm not sure what the currency exchange is between sand dollars and US dollars.

Since we were only a few miles from Mexico it was very important to stop and get some Mexican food. We went to the Old Town Mexican Cafe.

I know it's not that great of a picture but I was excited that they were making their own tortillas. The tortillas were more delicious than you can possibly imagine.

We also went to Balboa Park which had all sorts of random things to see.

Biggest. Tree. Ever. I'm pretty sure it's not from Earth.

I wasn't allowed to touch any of the plants in the Botanical Garden. Not touching things is very difficult for me. Luckily, they had the scratch and sniff area where you were allowed to touch the plants and smell them.

All in all, it was a great trip. But I'm definitely glad to be home. I have been on way too many airplanes this week.

Chicago

2011-09-15T08:30:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I go to Chicago. That’s just how I roll. I’m actually writing this on the plane on the way home. But since this plane isn’t high tech enough to give me internet access, all of you will have to wait until I get home to read it. (I feel sorry for you. I’m glad I get to read it live as it is being written.)

I wasn’t able to do tons of things because my days were spent in a classroom. (I actually flew out for a training for work. It turned out to be very educational so I’m glad I had the opportunity. Plus, it means that I get reimbursed for travel expenses.) But each evening I went tromping about the city, so I’ll share a few things.

Of course, first I have to share with you the famous landmarks.

I was able to see Cloud Gate.

It’s a cloud, it’s a gate, it’s a giant reflective bean.

You can see the front of me and the back of me. What a treat.

I went to Buckingham Fountain.

It’s kind of like Buckingham Palace, only it’s a fountain.

I stopped by Crown Fountain

The fountain tried to spit on me but I would have none of it. I did, however, frolic in the water just like all the children.

This wasn't an important landmark but it should be. Check out the automatic seat covers on the toilets in the airport. Every public bathroom should be this awesome.

But now we get to the really important stuff. The next 3 items are items that are on my bucket list.
Eat a real Chicago Dog

This was amazing! I was a little worried because Chicagoans don’t like ketchup on their dogs. That is a concern because ketchup is delicious. But it turns out I wasn’t even offended that there was no ketchup. With all the other goodness they put on them, ketchup is not required. Although, I could do without the hot peppers, but other than that it was glorious.

I make the dog look good.

Eat real Chicago Pizza

This pizza was like 4 inches thick. It kind of blew my mind. It was good but it wasn’t necessarily any better than other pizza I’ve had.

Swim in one of the great Lakes
I need some input on this last item. I walked to a beach of Lake Michigan, but since I was just out walking the city I wasn’t in a swimsuit or anything. I did wade into the water until it was about knee deep but I didn't actually swim. Can I cross “Swim in one of the Great Lakes” off my bucket list? I need to know if the people think that I would be cheating.

Let's Remember

2011-09-11T08:05:00.000-06:00

It was ten years ago today that tragedy hit our nation. At the time I was serving as a missionary for my church. As missionaries we didn't have a TV or radio. I was just sitting, reading my scriptures when a phone call came notifying me that the United States had been attacked by terrorists. I was in complete disbelief. Of course, the call came from other missionaries who were almost as clueless as we were. We found someone nearby who would let us watch their TV so we could see the news for ourselves.

That day changed our nation. We all felt that "Freedom itself was attacked", as our President at the time put it. Over the next few weeks, I marveled as I saw our nation become truly united. Suddenly, everyone wanted to talk to missionaries. Suddenly everyone wanted to have more of God's presence in their lives. Suddenly, we truly were "one Nation, under God."

Now, ten years later, our nation is once again divided. Our government has so much fighting with itself that our own President calls it a "Political Circus." We fight and argue about politics, about our beliefs, about things we see as important and about things that are trivial. Somehow, as a nation we've again forgotten how to love. We've forgotten to remember our God, our Father.

The President of my church wrote an excellent op-ed in the Washington post. He put it better than I could, so here is a brief quote from that article:

Our Father’s commitment to us, His children, is unwavering. Indeed He softens the winters of our lives, but He also brightens our summers. Whether it is the best of times or the worst, He is with us. He has promised us that this will never change.

But we are less faithful than He is. By nature we are vain, frail, and foolish. We sometimes neglect God. Sometimes we fail to keep the commandments that He gives us to make us happy. Sometimes we fail to commune with Him in prayer. Sometimes we forget to succor the poor and the downtrodden who are also His children. And our forgetfulness is very much to our detriment.

Today, on this tenth anniversary of a great tragedy, I hope we can all remember how we felt on that day. Remember the great heroes who responded immediately, some who gave their lives trying to save others. Remember the innocent people who died before they could even know we had been attacked. Let's also remember who we became as a nation in the months following the attack. We became a people of faith again. We became a people of love again.

Whatever name you may give to God, please bring Him closer into your life. Or perhaps you don't believe in God, but you do believe in love. Try today to love more. Show love to your neighbor, to your spouse, to your children, to friends, to strangers.

Let's not forget this time. Let's never forget to be a people of love and faith.

Two Dreams

2011-09-05T12:48:00.003-06:00

I had a dream last night. It really stressed me out. I don't know if it was really a nightmare but it's one of the most stressful dreams I've had in a long time. Therefore, I'm officially going to call it a nightmare. Robyn also had an interesting dream. I'm going to share them both, I have some theories regarding the interpretations thereof but I may need your input as well.

Here's what happened in mine:

I dreamed that Robyn and I were in Hawaii. At first everything was great, but then I realized we had forgotten our camera. I was so sad that we wouldn't be able to take pictures of all the pretty scenery and all the fun things we were doing. Then we were walking out to the beach and I realized I didn't have my hat. I became very concerned that I was going to burn my head. Then I realized we didn't have any sunblock. I knew in my heart that I was going to get sunburned the first day and be in pain the rest of the trip.

This is how sad sunburns make me

I became so worried about getting sunburned that I just went back to our hotel and sat in sadness. Robyn had fun the rest of the day and returned that evening. I was depressed that we were in Hawaii and I had to hide from the sun.

When I woke up I was so relieved that we weren't in Hawaii. I thought to myself, "there's still time to get everything we need." (We're planning a trip to Hawaii in June. We're totally going to bring sunblock.)

I later sat and pondered what this dream might mean. I came up with two possibilities.
1. I'm deathly afraid of sunburns and I think the Sun is a monster. (It makes sense, have you ever been sunburned? It hurts.)
2. My nightmares are more awesome than yours. (This is the most likely meaning of the dream. I mean, I wasn't naked in front of a crowd. No scary people were chasing me. I was in paradise. I just didn't have sunblock. Plus, you can totally buy sunblock in Hawaii.)

After I awoke, I explained my dream to Robyn. It turns out she had a good dream last night as well.

It started out with her finding out she was pregnant. (From her description I don't think there was any pregnancy test. She just knew somehow.) She wanted to come up with a creative way to tell me she was pregnant, so she went to the store to buy whatever she needed for her creative stratagem. When she got home, I had apparently emptied our cupboard and thrown away lots of things. She was confused by that, but went ahead and let me know she was pregnant.

This is an artist's rendition of what Robyn will look like pregnant.
Yes, I consider myself an artist.

After she told me, I became terrified. I was very upset about it and she was very concerned that I was so upset. Eventually, though, I told her, "Even though I'm scared, I kind of already knew. That's why I got rid of the toilet in the front room." She became confused. So I showed her where the toilet used to be in the front room. I had boarded up the hole with plywood or something. I also showed her pictures of the front room with the toilet in it. She had no memory of the front room toilet, but after I showed her all the evidence she became convinced that we used to have a toilet in the front room.

Here are the possible interpretations that I've come up with:
1. Robyn is scared that I'm scared of children. (Makes sense, children are scary.)
2. Robyn really wants a toilet in the front room but she's afraid that I'll remove it after she gets one. (Also makes sense, that would be awkward.)
3. Robyn's dreams are more awesome than you can possibly imagine. (This is clearly true.)

Those are my interpretations. What do you think?

What is a Weed?

2011-08-27T12:54:00.000-06:00

I've discovered a great truth as a homeowner. I've discovered the definition of a weed. A weed is simply a plant that I don't want. I totally get to be the arbiter. The overwhelming power might be going to my head. I just wanted to share with you a few of the important decisions I made today.

This plant: Not a weed. It has a cool bug on it. Next week it might be a weed if there is no cool bug.

These annoying plants that aren't pretty and grow taller than me? Clearly weeds.

This may look like a weed. But it sits outside my kitchen window. Birds land there and sing to me while I eat breakfast. Verdict: not a weed

The cool looking spiny fruit is the saving grace here. Living in a desert is awesome. Verdict: not a weed

At first glance I would have said that this sprinkler head is not a weed. However, it was surrounded by weeds and the weed eater must have felt differently than I did because this sprinkler was decapitated.

I suppose that's what you get when you hang out with weeds. It's kind of like the time I was standing on the playground near some kids that were playing cops and robbers. (Apparently that's an evil game.) The mustache lady came and punished all of them, but since I was standing nearby, I was punished as well. (The mustache lady was the cruel overlord of the playground during recess. She really had a mustache. I still have nightmares about her.)

Unlike me in the mustache lady incident, the decapitated sprinkler is now the coolest drinking fountain in the world.

Sure to become a crowd favorite.

The moral of the story is, don't hang out with weeds unless you want to be decapitated. But, if you are a weed, hang out with a cool bug. (I never claimed my stories would have good teaching moments.)

This one's for the Beliebers

2011-08-20T14:26:00.000-06:00

Do you ever have one of those moments where you feel like you should do something and it's just so right? Well, this isn't a story about one of those moments. This is a story about a moment where I felt like I should do something because it was awesome.

It all started with a little visit to Zurchers. Robyn needed to purchase something for her classroom. Naturally, I was wandering through the store, trying to find something that would amuse me enough to dull the pain of shopping. That's when I came upon this.

Now, I myself am not necessarily one of the beliebing faithful. However, my good friend Kayli is one of the world's foremost Bieber fans. Her twitter account dedicated to Justin Bieber has over 6000 followers. I knew in my heart that she needed to have a large dose of Bieber in her home. I also knew that it would be awesome to show up on her doorstep and surprise her with her very own Justin Bieber. So, naturally, that's what I did. (Robyn even approved the purchase of a cardboard Bieber. That is love.)

We placed Justin Bieber on Kayli's doorstep and began recording before she opened the door. This is reality TV at its finest.

Kayli had this to say about kissing him: "Let me just say it was my first time ever kissing a picture of him. I'm not a total weirdo when I'm alone, haha. I just got caught up in the moment!"

Kayli, we know you're not a total weirdo when you're alone. It's just that some gifts are so awesome you have to either kiss the gift or the giver of the gift. Since I'm married and the cardboard Justin isn't, you did what you had to do.

In the end, there was much rejoicing. The moral of this story is, sometimes a Belieber needs a Bieber.

She's not Invited

2011-08-15T10:15:00.004-06:00

A good friend of mine is getting married soon. He sent me a wedding invitation and it was obviously precious. But the envelope that it came in is what I need to discuss. This is what the address label looked like when it arrived in the mail.

The original didn't have my address crossed off. That was done because I'm afraid that I will have fans of this blog that will love my writing so much that they'll camp in my yard and do creepy things.

I don't know if you noticed a problem with this address label. I am Mr. Jeff Stockett, but my wife is not a mister. I have a few theories as to why this was done.

1. He thinks Robyn is male. (Most awkward option)
2. It was a typo.
3. He wants to subtly say that he doesn't want Robyn there.
4. He wants me there so badly that he would prefer that two of me show up if that were possible. (Most likely option)

I texted him to mock him and he assured me that Robyn was invited. That eliminates number 3 as an option and pretty much confirms number 4. I agree with him. Sometimes I wish there were two of me. You can only hold so much awesome in one person.

You Ought to give Iowa a Try

2011-08-12T21:25:00.002-06:00

The Republicans had one of their first big primary debates yesterday in Iowa. I watched the whole two hours because I'm very interested in making the right decision as to who I will vote for. In general, I wasn't impressed. It seemed everyone had one main message they were trying to get across. I decided to take the main message that each candidate was emphasizing and summarize it here for you. So here is my interpretation of what each candidate really wanted to express.

Newt Gingrich: Don't ask me hard questions, that's mean.

Ron Paul: We need smaller government. Also, the constitution is super cool. You guys should totally read it.

Rick Santorum: You should let me talk more. Ron Paul is wrong about stuff.

Mitt Romney: Barack Obama hates jobs. I will create jobs.

Herman Cain: We need lower taxes. Oh, and I own a business.

Tim Pawlenty: Michelle Bachmann is the devil.

Michelle Bachmann: nuh-uh. Tim Pawlenty is the devil.

Jon Huntsman: I'm proud of my record. No, seriously, I'm really proud of my record.

We'll see what the Straw Poll has to say about the results of this debate. For me, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney and Herman Cain came out ahead. (At least their main message had something to do with what they would do as President.)

But you don't have to take my word for it. Feel free to watch the debate yourself:

What do you think?

What's the Deal with Dentists?

2011-08-05T17:31:00.000-06:00

So I had a toothache. I went to the dentist. Now my whole mouth hurts. This got me really thinking. What is the deal with dentists? I went to the dentist to solve the problem of my tooth hurting. In exchange for solving this problem, I gave them a boat load of money. In exchange for the boat load of money the dentist solved my problem of pain by giving me significantly more pain.

Most of you may be thinking, "What's the big deal? Why are you so confused? That's how the dentist works." Well, let me use an analogy. Let's say that I had a problem where I was running out of food at my house. So I went to the grocery store and gave lots of money, and in exchange they removed the last little bit of food from my house.

Let's say my car was broken down so I had it towed in to a mechanic. I gave them lots of money and in exchange they bashed my windshield in.

Do you see how any other profession it's just not cool to make the problem worse? So I ask again, what's the deal with dentists?

Dentists also have a very strange habit. They always seem to want to fill your mouth with strange instruments of torture and then make conversation. You would think they would be aware that your mouth is filled with inhuman implements of pain, but apparently they're not. It usually goes something like this:

"So what do you do for a living?"
"Ngh mbnub gnu"

"Do you like cheese?"
"mghu fhlg gnuhg"

"In 1000 words or less describe your favorite novel and what thematic elements were relevant to your life."
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"

I ask again, what is the deal with dentists?

What about Novocaine? They always shoot you up before they drill. I appreciate that. But here's the concern I have. They seem to be experts at numbing my cheek, my chin, even my nose. But somehow my teeth can still feel that drill. Perhaps the purpose isn't to reduce pain at all. Perhaps it's amusing to make my mouth non functional and cause me to drool all over myself. (Don't get me wrong, if I were them I would think that's funny.)

What is the deal with dentists? I think Steve Martin knows the answer.

Cruisin' in the Beamer

2011-08-02T21:09:00.000-06:00

Have you ever driven a car that costs over 100k? You should. Before today I would have answered that question with "negative." (That's what I say instead of no.) Fortunately, today I was able to change my "has driven a super expensive car" status to "affirmative" (You probably already guessed that's what I say instead of yes.)

I make this car look good.

BMW was doing a super awesome promotion where they let normal people drive super expensive cars. And, for everyone that test drives one of these cars they donate $10 to support the Olympics. (Do you see what a giving person I am? I totally supported the Olympics.)

This is a very gadgetudinous car. Look at all the cool gadgets all over.

The car had all sorts of fancy features. When I first pushed the button to start the car it just made the steering wheel move up and down. Luckily, I'm a super genius so I figured it out in under 5 minutes. (Don't make fun. You already know I'm not fancy.) When I backed up the car a fancy little screen came up that showed me all the obstacles behind me. It had a warning saying that I should not use only that screen to back up, but I totally used only that screen to back up. (I'm glad I got that off my chest.)

Don't I look so good behind that wheel?

The best part was when I took it on the freeway. I pushed that gas pedal down and we really felt it get up and go. It was 0-60 in like 4 seconds.

No, I lied. That wasn't the best part. Do you remember the awesome guy that sent me pics of him with a BMW? I sent him pictures of me in this car. That was the best part.

Geeks, Lizards and Zombies

2011-07-20T21:52:00.000-06:00

If you know me at all, you're very aware of the fact that I'm a bit of a geek. I openly embrace it. I am not ashamed of my geekish tendencies. However, you may not be aware of a certain aspect of my geekiness. It turns out I'm a bit of a dinosaur geek. I've always had something for dinosaurs. I mean, they're great big lizards. How could you not think that is awesome?

It should be noted that a big part of the reason I'm able to read is because of dinosaurs. When I was a small child, I loved to be read to about dinosaurs. I would pretend to be every dinosaur in the book. I'm sure my mom tired of reading me my dinosaur book over and over.

When it came time to go to Kindergarten, I was afraid to go. My mom promised me that if I went to Kindergarten, I would be able to read. I eagerly went to school, with a laser like focus. Every moment had specific intent to give me the ability to read about dinosaurs. I was really cranky when I came home the first day and still couldn't read the dinosaur book. (They didn't even try to teach me). The good news is that I eventually learned and have spent plenty of time reading about dinosaurs since.

This past weekend Robyn let me indulge some of my dinosaur obsession. We went to Vernal where there is a famous dinosaur museum. It was a lot of fun. I'm still geeking out about it.

One is an Allosaurus, the other is me. Can you tell the difference?

I'm so good at blending in.

It's a dinosaur. It's also a zombie. Does it get any cooler?

You would be scared too. Don't judge.

Stewart is Falling

2011-07-10T21:58:00.000-06:00

This weekend Robyn and I decided to hike up to Stewart Falls with my BFF Jared W. I've been to Stewart Falls before but this was the first time I've hiked it during the day. (It's much hotter during the day, the heat makes me sad.)

On the way there we felt it was important to stop and pose with Stewie. (That's the nickname that I gave the falls. This shows that I have a close relationship with him.)

Robyn is more precious than Stewie

We also felt it was important to catch Jared and Katherine in their moments of preciousness.

They're even more precious than normal in the wilderness.

As we ascended towards Stewie the heat of the afternoon was slowly sapping the energy out of me. Luckily, when we got to our destination, the mist filled the air and cooled everything down. Even in the heat of the summer there were still several feet of snow pack surrounding the base of the waterfall.

The mist was a relief after the hot sun

We ventured into the mist to get close to the base of the waterfall. The flow was so high due to the large amounts of snow this winter as well as the rain this summer. The water was falling so fast that it shot five or six feet out from the ledge it was flowing over.

This was the closest I was willing to bring my phone for a picture

Standing in the mist, I took a picture of the waterfall but pulling my phone out even for a couple seconds caused it to get drenched. But that didn't stop me from getting a kissing picture near the waterfall anyway.

It's all about the iphone self portrait.

After that Robyn ventured back out into the sunlight. I felt the need to stand under the waterfall. I walked through the curtain of water crashing down and ventured into the secret hideout behind the flowing water. I stood there for only a few seconds before the water dripping on me caused my brain to freeze. I started hyperventilating, I think it was because of the extreme cold. I decided that my frozen brain and whacked out lungs were not a good thing. I fled my little hideout as quickly as possible. I took my frozen brain back out into the sunlight and for the first time in many moons I was appreciative of the summer heat.

We began our hike down and by the time we got back to the car I had not only thawed out but had resumed disliking the heat. All was back to normal.

The Bombs Bursting in Air

2011-07-04T22:48:00.000-06:00

Tonight Robyn and I sat on our porch for a while and looked out at our view. Our house sits on a hill and gives us an excellent view of Utah valley all the way out to the lake and the mountains beyond. Tonight was particularly interesting because of the newly legalized fireworks that shoot into the air. It was actually quite beautiful to look out and see the colorful explosions as far as the eye could see.

As I looked out, and also as I listened to the sounds of the fireworks exploding, it sounded somewhat like a war zone. I became lost in thought for a moment as these "bombs bursting in air" brought some lyrics from our national anthem to my mind.

And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.

I just imagined what it must have been like for Francis Scott Key as he witnessed the bombardment of Fort McHenry. I picture him hunkered down trying to stay safe but all the while looking up amid the flashing bursts of light to see if the flag still flies. I can imagine his state of mind as he wonders to himself:

O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

I started to run some of the rest of the lyrics through my mind. The final verse is particularly powerful in my opinion.

O, thus be it ever when freemen shall stand, Between their loved home and the war's desolation!

I love that imagery. I've never had to stand and protect my home from the destruction of war and I hope I never have to. But I'm grateful for those who have done that and for the freedom they have sacrificed so much to preserve.

Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n-rescued land Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation! Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just, And this be our motto: "In God is our trust"

I believe that God has protected this nation in order to preserve freedom in this world. The more I study history the more miracles I find that helped us get by when our freedom was dangling from thin threads. I'm grateful to God in Heaven for the blessing of freedom that I enjoy today. I love that today we can celebrate the Declaration of Independence. We can honor our God because "all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights."

Today I am filled with gratitude and love for my country. I am awestruck at the beautiful "bombs bursting in air" that can remind us of days when those bombs were not amazing fireworks, but enemies who sought to destroy our freedom. I'm grateful that against all odds, freedom has continued to flourish for over two centuries. I hope we can all do our part to continue to preserve that freedom for our children and their children.

And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

The Eternal Battle

2011-06-29T22:27:00.000-06:00

I think I won the battle. I really think I was victorious. Of course, you know what battle I am talking about. It is the eternal struggle between good and evil. We all participate in this battle at one time or another. Sometimes, even good people are sufficiently deceived to fight on the wrong side. Clearly, I'm talking about the battle of the thermostat.

You see, there are certain people in this world who really prefer not to be comfortable. At least that's the only way I can explain it. They prefer their environment to be ridiculously hot. When they sing the song about "my favorite things" they sing about purgatory, lakes of fire and brimstone, molten lava and immolation.

This guy hates to be comfortable.

My coworker is one of these people. He would prefer that we light his skin on fire. During the winter I don't have any problem. I shut the vent in my office and allow him to turn it as hot as he likes. If it still gets to the point where my office furniture starts melting or spontaneously combusting, I just open a window.

In the summer, it's a little more difficult. I try to not cause conflict, but I also try to not die. I've been slowly inching the thermostat downward. Every few days I've dropped it about 1 degree. It was still ridiculously hot and then something glorious happened.

I was sitting at my desk when I heard a loud beeping sound. You see, I sit next to the server room. That room holds all of our various servers that host websites and other code. If that room gets hotter than 90 degrees an alarm goes off so that it doesn't melt down. The server room has its own AC but that went out which allowed the room to start to overheat.

While we were fixing the problem, one of my other coworkers cranked the main AC down about 12 degrees. It was a truly magical moment. Now all I need to do is get an alarm installed in my office so that everyone can be notified before I melt down.

I'm as Fat as a Canyon

2011-06-26T22:22:00.001-06:00

This weekend Robyn and I took an adventure to Goblin Valley with some friends. We slept out under the stars and braved the sun, the sand, the gnats and even goblins. Of course, I wasn't sure how to prepare for goblins. I didn't know if I should bring garlic, wooden stakes or silver bullets. But, despite that, we survived. I just thought I'd share a few of our experiences with you.

We had a picnic sitting above the valley. It's crawling with goblins. Are you afraid?

We chilled with some locals.

Robyn demonstrated that her classic pose works even in the desert.

Robyn got intimate with nature. She is proudly holding up the roll of toilet paper as she marches into the wilderness. I was so proud of her.

I domesticated a goblin. They make excellent beasts of burden.

We hiked Little Wildhorse Canyon. As you can see, I am fatter than the width of the canyon behind me. We should have done the grand canyon, I'm pretty sure I don't need to diet to walk through that one.

The Return of Sleeping Robyn

2011-06-17T19:12:00.000-06:00

I have two stories to share with you from this past week. I'm not entirely convinced that these happened while Robyn was asleep. Sometimes I think she messes with me for her own amusement. But either way, I will share what I experienced and you can formulate your own beliefs.

The first experience I will call the midnight tapper. I was sleeping like a baby when Robyn started to tap on my arm. That seems to be her signature move. My first time dealing with it I think I got pretty cranky. It's now old hat. My strategy to deal with it this time was to just hold her hand. Apparently that's not what she wanted. She seemed very offended as she pulled her hand away and rolled over.

The next experience was her revenge for my mean tactic of holding her hand. Before I tell the story I have to explain the layout of our bed. I sleep on the very edge. Most of the time my bum is hanging over the edge. Robyn gets about two thirds of the bed and she uses all her space. She roams back and forth all night long. I woke up and her face was about two inches from mine. Considering all the space she has that's pretty close.

It was much like this precious moment between Harry and Ginny. Only less precious because Robyn was (supposedly) asleep.

I opened my eyes and looked at her with her eyes closed for about 3 seconds. Once she knew she had my attention she promptly coughed in my face. Then she rolled over to her side of the bed and probably giggled herself to sleep. She claims she remembers none of this and that she was asleep, but that just sounds like a good cover story to me.

Flowchart My Breakfast

2011-06-10T22:03:00.000-06:00

In my last post, a few of you pointed out that my flowchart showing how to eat food may not properly express the complexities involved in making food decisions. To fix my mistake, I put together this flowchart. I hope that it is as confusing as real life tends to be. (You may need to click it to view a larger version.)

To the People of Google

2011-06-08T21:08:00.000-06:00

Through Google Analytics I'm able to see all of the searches that lead people to my blog. Sometimes I think those searches are very interesting. Today I thought it would be fun to respond to some of the searches that have lead people to me. If you performed any of these searches, I hope that you feel the love in my response.

chocolate emergency instructions
Chocolate emergencies are no trivial matter. Though I wrote about Robyn's Chocolate Emergency, I didn't give specific instructions for how to deal with the situation. If your wife or someone you love is having a chocolate emergency, follow these instructions to the letter.
1. Give her chocolate
2. Give her more chocolate
3. Repeat as necessary

april 21st 2011 rise of machines
I have good news. John Connor must have prevented Judgment day because there was no rise of the machines on April 21st. There was also no rapture on May 21st. John Connor may have been involved in preventing that as well, but I'm not sure.

flowchart my breakfast
You must have been disappointed because there was no flowchart to help you know how to eat breakfast. I have good news though. I made a flowchart just for you. The best news is that you can use this flowchart for any meal. Enjoy.

how can i hire someone to rickroll
It's a two step process
1. Pay me money
2. Watch me send a link to rickroll

is ken jennings single

No, he has a wife, two kids and a dog.

low battery detector
Low battery detectors are hard to come by. The key is you have to realize that they are marketed as smoke detectors even though detecting low batteries is their primary function.

i say hardcore
That's a good word to say.

stories about garbage
Well, I did have one story about a garbage conspiracy. But since you're looking for more stories here's another:

Once upon a time there was a boy named Luke. He was trying to rescue a princess from a prison cell. He took his friends Han and Chewie, they got the princess from the cell and they blasted their way into a garbage chute. Once inside, they discovered an incredible smell. The End.

soap is the breakfeast of champions
It really is isn't it? I discovered that it's really good at cleaning you out all the way.

yummy

never violated the prime directive
If you've never violated the prime directive I'm very proud of you. My wife violates it all the time.

Thank you to the people of google. Keep finding me through searches. Maybe we'll do this again sometime.

The Awesomest Idea Ever

2011-06-04T13:44:00.000-06:00

Sometimes it is necessary for parents to embarrass their children. I am a firm believer in this philosophy. I plan to be one of the most embarrassing dads ever. But it will only be embarrassing because I will be so awesome that my kids minds will be blown.

Even though there are currently no kids coming our way, (I never see storks flying near our house.) it is still important for me to think of ways to expand my awesomeness for the sake of my children. I just discovered a dad who brings awesomeness to a whole new level (and thus embarrasses his children.)

This guy dresses up in a different costume every day so that he can wave to his son as his school bus passes by on the way to school. Apparently it started out as a fun thing to do at the beginning of school but he continued it all year long with different costumes. The coolest thing? He only lives a few miles from me. I guess people in Utah are just awesome (or embarrassing, depending on your perspective.)

Check out this news clip about him.

Here are a few examples of his costumes.

Unfortunately, we live pretty close to the elementary, junior high and high school so if we are living in this same house my kids won't ride the bus. I'll have to come up with something else equally as clever. Meanwhile, you can see all of this guy's costumes at his website at http://waveatthebus.blogspot.com/

Let me know if you have any awesome ideas that will properly embarrass my future children.

The BeardPocalypse

2011-06-01T17:59:00.001-06:00

We all knew it had to come to an end eventually. No beard lives forever. You should have recognized the signs of the times. When the beard was shaved down to a goatee, that was the beginning of the end.

The goatee had a good run of its own but, ultimately, my baby soft skin needed to be exposed to the world.

You know what was the last straw? My mustache was getting long enough that I couldn't eat food without "saving some for later", as it were. It was kind of grossing me out. What's that you say? I could have just trimmed it back? Don't be ridiculous. The whole point of growing facial hair is that you don't have to shave. Trying to trim it back to an even length is way more effort than shaving. Thus, shaving was the chosen answer.

But, once again, for your viewing pleasure, I shaved it gradually so that you could enjoy the process. It should be noted that I reached new heights of awesomeness in some of these pictures.

(By the way, if you want to see the process of going from full beard to goatee it is here)

Without further ado, here are the pictures of the beardpocalypse in action. (I know I stole the term "beardpocalyspe" from Conan O'Brien. Deal with it.)

I started with the goatee again It's grown out just a little since I last posted.

I shaved it down to this Fu Manchu business Does it get more awesome?

I thinned out the handlebars and shaved the soul patch. This may be the pinnacle of awesomeness.

Then just the regular mustache. Some people can pull off the mustache. I really can't. I believe the term Robyn used was "gross".

This is the final status of my face. I have returned to my native baby faced cuteness.

Whenever someone I know shaves their face, I think their top lip looks weird. Does my top lip look weird to you? I think it looks weird. But the weirdness is overwhelmed by the cuteness.

Viva Las Vegas

2011-05-30T22:08:00.000-06:00

Now that I'm officially oldy moldy, Robyn took me to Las Vegas to celebrate my anniversary of birth.

During our short trip to sin city we had a few adventures that I wanted to share with you. They say that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I don't know if that means that only people in Vegas will be able to read this, but I'll go ahead and post it anyway.

Exploring the strip
We walked all the way up and down the strip. I had to take awesome pictures of every cool statue we encountered. Robyn started to get annoyed, but she didn't understand how cool the sphynx, Poseidon and all the other cool beings were.

Eating way more food than we should
We wanted to try out some of the buffets. We ate some amazing food. I didn't know it was possible to eat so much food that it hurts. I learned that one the hard way. I mean, how was I supposed to stop? They had sushi, crab legs, pasta, delicious desserts, steak, mashed potatoes and so much other delicious goodness that my mind was literally blown. (And by literally, I mean figuratively)

The Old Lady and the Adult Entertainment
We were walking down the strip, there was a huge truck that was advertising some adult entertainment. There was an old lady that was standing there with her camera trying to get a picture of the ad. She spent several minutes trying to frame the picture just right. Robyn gave me a look as if to say, "What the heck?" I just started laughing. I can only assume it was her granddaughter in the picture and grandma was proud of her granddaughter's budding career.

The Shark Reef Aquarium
We went to the aquarium inside Mandelay Bay. It was amazing. They have a room called the "shipwreck". It is designed to look like you're inside the ship, and the tank all around you is full of sharks, turtles, rays and lots of fish. This is an example of what the sharks looked like.

Here is a video of me at the aquarium. Sorry that I sound like a special needs child when I get excited.

Blue Man Group
We saw the Blue Man Group and it was super fun. They had lots of creative music and skits. We liked it a lot. I think I should be a Blue Man when I grow up.

I was trying to stare down the middle blue man.

Pretending to be in other cities
Las Vegas is a great place to pretend that you're all over the world. We traveled to Paris and New York and they were not that far from each other.

Blowing People's Minds that we don't Drink
All weekend, everywhere we went, people were flabbergasted that we didn't drink alcohol. We were eating at the buffet in the Paris hotel. Near the end of our meal, the waitress brought us some champagne. She had a twinkle in her eye as she began to take the top off. When we told her "no thank you, we don't drink." She looked like she was going to cry. She looked at the bottle to figure out what was wrong with it. Then she sadly walked away.

Oldy Moldy

2011-05-26T22:16:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure when it happened. I suppose it was gradual, but it just seemed like I woke up one morning and discovered I was old. Tomorrow I'll be turning 30. I know there are those of you that believe that 30 is not very old. I understand your concern, that's why I've prepared a portfolio of supporting evidence.

This is me with one week of age progression

My music is too darn loud
The other day I was driving to work. I turned on the radio. Keep in mind, this was a station of my choosing. And yet, when the music came on I mumbled to myself, "It's just too darn loud." Ya, I really used that phrase in a self mumble. "Too darn loud." That is an oldy moldy statement. Like a proper old person, I then turned it to some classical music.

My wife is a teacher
When I was a child and went to school, I remember thinking how teachers were universally old. Somehow my teachers seemed older than my parents or any other adults. My parents were real people, they ate and slept and stuff. Teachers just lived at school, they weren't even real people. They were like what you become when you're too old to be a regular person. Now that I'm old myself, and I'm married to a teacher, I now realize that teachers are actually human. But somewhere in the back of my mind is the thought that if I married a teacher I must be really old. Besides, I visited her classroom. The kids called me "Mr. Stockett". Back before I was old, that wasn't my name. My name used to be Jeff.

My beard has white hair

I posted the picture of my beard on facebook. One of my friends commented and said, "Is that gray hair I see in your beard?" My response was filled with the sadness that comes when you realize the truth. "Nope, it's straight up white." If that isn't old age I don't know what is.

I fell asleep in church
For most of my life I've been an insomniac. I've had a hard time getting to sleep at night, so I would stay up all hours of the night. The one advantage to not being able to sleep, even in a bed, is that there's no threat of falling asleep while driving or while sitting in church. Well, this past Sunday, it happened. I just closed my eyes for a bit and suddenly I heard myself snore. The snore woke me up. I was offended at myself. I was quite disconcerted. This was the crowning moment in my journey toward old age. I think everything else is downhill.

In conclusion (Does anyone really ever say "In conclusion"? I always used it at the end of my papers in high school. That's why I'm using it now so that I can capture my younger years.)

In conclusion, I have shown you indisputable evidence that I am old. But don't cry for me Argentina.

Being old doesn't have to be sad. In fact, in celebration of my oldness, Robyn and I are on our way to Las Vegas. How better could I celebrate my birthday? I plan to see sharks, pirates, blue men, fountains, cactus, drunk people, people that aren't good at math (you have to be bad at math to gamble), advertisements for indiscreet things(I'm already practicing diverting my eyes away from the indiscreetness), and most importantly, delicious buffets. So stay tuned, I'll probably share more about the getting old celebration sometime soon.

I had a Beard and it Felt Weird

2011-05-23T21:17:00.003-06:00

I wasn't planning to grow a beard. It kind of happened by accident, at least in the beginning. As you know, we recently moved to a new house. When you move, everything gets put into boxes and much of it disappears out of your life for several weeks (or months) until you get everything unpacked.

There are certain items that are important enough that you take special care to know where they are when you move, so that they can be immediately used the first night in the new home. Some of these items include toothbrushes, toothpaste, the electric razor etc. We put together a small bag of these items and set it aside to make sure that it wouldn't get lost. Our next step was to promptly lose that bag. I know that wasn't the best strategy, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Luckily, I had an unopened toothbrush in one of the boxes so things didn't get too yucky. But I was without a means to shave. We searched and searched and after about a week I concluded that we weren't going to find it.

But at that point, I had already passed the awkward part of the beard growing process. Beards are fascinating things. If you show up to work after 3 or 4 days without shaving, everyone thinks you look like a bum. If you show up after 3 or 4 weeks without shaving, you're awesome.

So since I'd already passed the hurdle of looking like a bum, I decided to press forward steadfastly. I've never really let a beard grow out fully, and I discovered something that I knew but had never realized. I can grow a full beard minus the Hitler mustache. The graphic below will help you better understand.

Woolly Mammoth - Hitler = Me

It's true, if you take a woolly mammoth and subtract Hitler from it, you get me. This picture is undeniable proof of that fact. (And it's precious)

I let it grow out for a few weeks, but the weirdness of having hair on my face was too overwhelming. (Okay, if I'm being honest, it did feel weird but the continual hints from my wife that she didn't like it were more overwhelming)

I decided to be done with the beard and I thought I might try a goatee for a while, but I decided I needed to get there progressively. Here are a few of the steps for your viewing pleasure.

This was the first step. I was going for wolverine sideburns.

Second step. I trimmed the sideburns back.

Final step: the goatee with no sideburns.

So that's what I look like now. We'll see how long it takes me to get sick of it.

The Garbage Conspiracy

2011-05-20T12:02:00.000-06:00

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I think there's a conspiracy going on. (Maybe that makes me a conspiracy theorist, I guess I was a closeted conspiracy theorist until moments ago.)

Here's the deal. Someone doesn't want me to be able to rid my house of garbage. I don't know why, it doesn't make sense. I've written before about someone stealing our trash can. That was in our old house, now our new tenants have to deal with that problem. But somehow, the puppet master behind this conspiracy has taken things to a higher level in our new residence.

Let's start at the beginning. It's a very good place to start.

You see, Robyn and I took possession of our new house on a Saturday. Lehi city isn't open on Saturday so I couldn't sign up for utilities (including trash service). We had a vacation planned the next week. I tried calling the city, while on vacation, to sign up but they required that you appear in person. (Dumbest thing ever, clearly part of the conspiracy to stop me being able to eliminate garbage.)

The next week I showed up in person, paid them money and got things started. I assumed that since the trash service only picks up their special cans (the ones that are designed for their trucks to lift with giant robotic arms) they would give me one of those cans. I waited 4 or 5 days for them to be delivered. Nothing.

I called them and asked 'why?' They said I never got on the list. I thought the money I paid was to get me on the list. At any rate, they put me on the list, and still didn't deliver the trash can until a week later, the day after garbage day.

At this point I finally have the trash can and it has been 3 weeks. A week later on trash day, I put the can out before I left for work. It turns out the truck either came at like 7 AM or it just skipped over my can. I was so frustrated. I figured I'd just leave my can on the street, that way whatever weirdness comes up, whether they come on a different day or ridiculously early in the morning, I would be prepared.

I came home from work the next day and the can had been moved from the street to my side yard. Either someone was really offended that my trash can was on the street on a day other than trash day, or the trash conspirators are watching my every move. (It was probably moved by some magical being, serving the conspirators. You know, like elves, gremlins or Eskimos.)

This Tuesday, I don't care what happens. I'm going to get my trash picked up. Although, maybe Tuesday will never come. I hear the world is supposed to end tomorrow (May 21st). Maybe that's part of the conspiracy.

My Secret Weapon

2011-05-10T20:35:00.000-06:00

There are some things you should know about me before I explain my secret weapon.

1. I hate shopping.
2. I like food. A Lot. No, seriously. A LOT.

These two attributes are not fully compatible. Acquiring food generally requires going to a store. When I was single I would try to go shopping for food as infrequently as possible. This meant that I would need to buy a lot of food when I was there.

Imagine if you lived deep in the desert. When food became very scarce you would make the long, arduous journey to the oasis where food is plentiful. Once you get there, you're not just going to get a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. You may not be back again this year. You need to get everything necessary to sustain life. You need Hot Pockets. You need ice cream sandwiches. (You can't have a lot of fresh food without returning to the store frequently.)

Now let's fast forward to the present. Now that I'm married, Robyn generally does the shopping. But every once in a while she might get to thinking that I should do some shopping. That's where my secret weapon comes in.

That's right. I threaten her with a sheep armed to the teeth. Okay, not really. It's just an awesome picture.

My real secret weapon is my will to survive. You see, in the beginning of our marriage I went with her to go shopping. As we wandered the oasis with endless supplies of food, I filled our cart to prepare for the long winter in between now and the next time we go shopping.

Robyn's thoughts on shopping are different than mine. She likes to go at least once a week. Sometimes she'll go twice in the same week. (Gasp!) I know it sounds insane, but it's true.

Apparently in her paradigm I spend too much money when we go shopping. Just tonight, I offered to go shopping with her. (That is love.) She declined. She said, "It's too expensive when you come along."

And that, my friends, is my secret weapon.

The Scratcher in the Night

2011-05-05T17:20:00.001-06:00

It happened again. That's right, another exciting adventure in the dead of night. I'll start at the beginning. I was slumbering in my usual precious manner. I was quietly dreaming of soft kitties, warm kitties, little balls of fur.

Suddenly, the world was shaking. The bed was moving about violently. I didn't know what was happening, was it an earthquake? That's when I looked over at Robyn. All of the movement was happening under her blanket. At first I was worried she may be having a seizure, I was honestly concerned. But then I looked closer. Her whole body wasn't shaking, she was just moving her arm about wildly.

Then I listened to the sounds. She was scratching the bed next to her. She was doing it with great vim and vigor. Now that I knew what was happening I was no longer concerned, just very perplexed.

I watched in fascination for probably a minute or so. Finally, she stopped and asked. "How was that?"

"That was really good. Excellent work."

But that's when I realized, she was probably dreaming about scratching my back. Can you believe it? She was scratching my back in her dreams. She was doing it with incredible gusto. That is love.

A good scratch right in F6 is a sign of true love

I'm in a Fight with Holiday Oil

2011-05-03T22:04:00.000-06:00

We're all moved to the new house. We rented a truck of unusual size (some call them U-Haul but I call them TOUS) on Saturday and put almost everything we own into it. We then drove to our new house. We had several good friends come help us out and our new neighbor even saw us unloading and came over to help. Everything seemed like it was going very well, we had had a very successful moving day. But that was before my nemesis entered my life.

You see, I didn't know that the Holiday gas station was my nemesis. I thought we were friends. We've had a great relationship for quite some time. I give the station money, they give me gas, everybody is happy. (When I said "they give me gas" I was reminded of an incident on our recent road trip. I got up earlier then everyone else and went to pick up breakfast and fill up the car. When I came back I told Robyn, "We have breakfast and we're full of gas." She thought it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard. I didn't even realize I was saying something funny.)

So I went to what I thought was a friendly gas station. I was pulling in and I pulled in just like I normally do. Unfortunately, my truck was about 26 feet longer than I was used to driving. It turns out you can't turn as sharp in a truck of such immense proportions.

This yellow pole of devilry snuck up on me and the side of the truck ran right into it.

I tried to back the truck up to get off it, but the truck put just enough pressure on the pole that I couldn't get any traction on the wheels. I ended up having to call a tow truck. When he came, he lifted up the back end of the truck and just pushed it several feet over. It was really cool to watch.

In the end, I was able to drive away safely and I was glad I bought the insurance on the truck rental. Naturally, I drove to another station to buy gas. Because, I'm in a fight with the Holiday station.

The Potty Proximity Principle

2011-04-27T19:42:00.001-06:00

I've been aware of the Potty Proximity Principle for quite some time now. But this past week I was on a road trip through the Midwest and this principle became very noticeable.

I'm sure you're aware of the Potty Proximity Principle. Just cause I made it up is no excuse to not know about it. But just in case you haven't made yourself aware, let me explain.

You see, for some strange reason, the closer I get to a bathroom the more I have to use the bathroom. I don't know why it occurs but it happens all the time. On our recent trip it was particularly prevalent.

We would be driving along through the endless flat plains of Kansas or Nebraska and the car would need some gas so I would pull into a gas station. Mind you, it's been hours since our last stop, and when I decided to pull off I had no need to use the restroom. Yet, I pull into a gas station and begin to fill the car with gas and suddenly I'm potty dancing.

Though I am very familiar with the potty dance I did not make this image. I found it here

It happened every time. Then I went inside and as the proximity to the potty increased, the urgency went up exponentially. By the time I was in line waiting for my turn it was like every ounce of my soul was devoted to the most intricate and exquisite of potty dances.

I watch dancing shows with Robyn sometimes. She tries to explain to me that each dance is communicating something. I don't always (or ever) understand what she's saying. But I might understand now. My dance was definitely communicating something very powerfully. I was saying with every wave of my arm or bounce in my step that "I NEED to go NOW!"

So there you have it. That's the Potty Proximity Principle. Has anyone else every experienced this? I'm sure it's some sort of disorder.

Church History Tour Part 2: Nauvoo

2011-04-25T22:18:00.001-06:00

After leaving Missouri we continued our tour of the early history of our church in Nauvoo.

Nauvoo was absolutely amazing. There is lots that I need to share. (sorry for the really long post)

The church has bought most of old Nauvoo and have restored many of the buildings. Visitors are able to learn stories of the early saints and to see much of how they lived. Much of our time in Nauvoo was spent seeing what it was like to live in the early 1800s. Here are a few fun experiences we had.

We made rope and were so proud.

We visited the schoolhouse to be educated by Robyn

We preached the gospel in the Seventies Hall

We got "prairie diamonds" from the blacksmith. (These nails were used as rings because couples couldn't get actual diamonds.)

We walked down Hotchkiss street but edited the name to make it a little extra awesome.

We rode on a wagon, where we discovered that Robyn could not have been a pioneer because she gets too cold.

We went to David's Chamber where Joseph Smith's son David went to paint.

We found an old school outhouse that was awesome.

In addition to all the fun we had, we had some great experiences that were very profound. There were two that really stood out to me. The first was the visit to Carthage Jail.

I have studied the accounts of the martyrdom of Joseph Smith when he was murdered in Carthage Jail. I've always wanted to piece together the stories and being there in the jail really helped me to do that. It was particularly profound being in the "martyr room" as they call it, the room where Joseph was when he was killed.

This is the bullet whole from the bullet that was shot through the door and into Hyrum Smith's face. (Don't be bothered by Jared's finger sticking through.)

This is the window that Joseph Smith jumped out of. He was shot twice in the back from the mob that was coming up the stairs. He was also shot from the outside by the militia that had been assigned by the governor to protect him. It was extremely powerful for me to be there and think about what happened there.

The last thing that was extremely profound for me was the walk down Parley Street. I don't have any good pictures of it except that I took a picture of this monument at the end of the street.

This is a statue of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young looking west beyond the Mississippi River. Of course, we know that after Joseph was killed, Brigham took the saints west to the Salt Lake valley. This monument commemorates that but it also had a quote from Joseph Smith that showed that the exodus had been planned before his death. Joseph said, "My people shall become a mighty host in the vastness of the Rocky Mountains."

This statue wasn't what was powerful to me though. What was powerful was what they call the "Trail of Hope." Parley Street was where the saints drove their wagons to the Mississippi River and then crossed and went west. Along this street they have placed plaques with entries from the journals of the saints as they left. Many of them talked about looking back at the temple one last time, and the sadness they felt. We were able to make this same walk to the banks of the Mississippi and to look back at the view of the temple up on the bluff. It was incredibly powerful for me to look back and to see that same view and try to imagine how they felt.

Overall, it really was an incredible trip. We had lots of fun and we also were able to learn a lot about the history of the church. It was a great experience and I'm very glad we went.

Church History Tour Part 1: Missouri

2011-04-20T23:07:00.000-06:00

Robyn and I are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (some call us the LDS or Mormon church). This year for our vacation we decided to take a history tour of the areas that are significant to the early days of our church. Our tour began in Missouri.

We went to Independence where we were able to see the Community of Christ Temple.

The Community of Christ is the largest break off group that has broken away from the mainstream LDS church. After Joseph Smith's death when the saints went west to Salt Lake City, certain saints chose not to go and reorganized their own church. They started with a belief in the Book of Mormon but have since tried to distance themselves from it to some extent.

We were able to go inside and see what it was all about. They had a museum inside with some of the artifacts of the early church. We were also able to go into the chapel in the center of the temple and look up and see the spiral from the inside. It was pretty cool looking.

It was neat to see the architecture and walk through the museum. It was also very interesting to see how different their temple is from our temples. It is still a place of worship but it feels very different. It seemed that the function of their temple was more like our conference center. It is a place of worship but not necessarily a sacred place.

From there we proceeded across the street to the temple lot where Joseph Smith dedicated for the future building of a temple. There is just a small plaque there almost covered by a bush showing what it is.

Since we clearly hadn't had our fill of temples we then went to the location of the Kansas City temple which is currently under construction.

From there we went to Far West. Joseph Smith also dedicated this area for a future temple as well. Robyn and I decided to take a precious picture.

But then Robyn got cranky because Jared was taking too many pictures.

Her face is too classic.

After that we proceeded to Liberty Jail where Joseph Smith was incarcerated for a time. Several of the revelations in the Doctrine and Covenants were recorded in Liberty Jail. The original jail was destroyed, but the Church has rebuilt a replica of the jail that you can see.

I was amazed to learn of the filthy conditions within the jail. It also really helped me reflect on the trials that the prophet faced. This period in his life was truly a refiner's fire for him and helped him become who he needed to be. It was very powerful.

Lastly, we went to Adam-ondi-Ahman. Robyn looked very precious as we overlooked the valley.

We believe this will be a place of gathering upon the return of the Savior. I thought the acoustic properties of this area were particularly fascinating. I stood atop this rock and spoke in my normal voice without raising it at all. Jared went several hundred yards away and he could still hear me.

Robyn climbed up on top of the rock with me and was just talking quietly to me when Jared responded from clear across the little valley. She kind of jumped and said, "He can hear us?" It was really cool. I guess it's a good place for us to gather and hear a speaker.

After Adam-Ondi-Ahman we were driven from the state. Luckily, it has been illegal to kill a Mormon in Missouri since June 25, 1976, so I was doing the driving and not an angry, murderous mob.

Stay tuned. We're currently in Nauvoo, Illinois learning about all sorts of history. I'm sure I'll write about it soon.

The World's Most Expensive Blogger

2011-04-16T22:33:00.000-06:00

It turns out that getting my wife to post to her blog is extremely expensive. Last time she posted was 8 months ago when I took her to Europe. This time we bought a house. The cost of her blog posts is going up. Who knows how much we'll have to spend for the next one.

Anyway, she wrote all about our new house. She has pictures and all sorts of goodness. She's a guru at that sort of thing. Go read her blog, it cost a lot of money.

The Good, the Bad and the Tacos

2011-04-09T16:04:00.001-06:00

I have good news and I have bad news. The Good news is, THEY FINALLY APPROVED OUR LOAN AND WE CAN BUY OUR NEW HOUSE! WE'RE GOING TO CLOSE ON WEDNESDAY! Sorry for the caps. I know that breaks all rules of internet etiquette. I only did it for two sentences so I hope it wasn't too painful. I just needed to express the happiness this brings. We have jumped through so many hoops to prove that we really intend to keep both houses and not walk away from the old one. I'm just a very happy boy. Once we close on the house I'm sure I'll let you know more about it. But for now, here's a little teaser. This is a picture I took with my phone.

Okay, so now for the bad news. You may want to sit down for this. I didn't realize this very sad news until this morning. Are you ready for this? Well, the bad news is that our new house is not going to be super close to DelTaco.

Our current house is less than a mile from Del Taco. It's been my special place where I go for tacos any time day or night. To show you how much love I have for Del Taco, here is a picture of me and my good friend the Big Fat Taco.

But don't worry. Our new house is only like 7 miles from our old house, so DelTaco is very much still within reach. But maybe I won't need it. With the extra square footage in our new house, I could build a taco stand in the basement. This idea has merit.

A Stranger, a Phone and a BMW

2011-04-05T19:20:00.000-06:00

I love technology. It has completely changed our world. It has also completely changed the way we communicate. I had an amusing experience that I felt needed to be shared.

I recently received a picture message from an unknown sender. The area code was in Florida, so I had no idea who might be sending it. First, they sent this:

I was confused as to who would want to share this vehicle with me, but I just ignored it. They really wanted me to enjoy the car though, so they sent this:

Of course, that didn't help me know any better who it was, so I texted back and said, "That's a nice BMW but who is this?" Their reply was simple, they sent this:

Don't get me wrong, this dude looks awesome with his beamer, but since I've never seen him before it didn't help answer the question of who it was.

Of course, the next thing he did was to call me. I answered the phone and he asked for Marissa. When I told him he had the wrong number he was not to be detoured. "It's your wife." Was his reply. I tried to explain to him that, though my memory is not perfect, I can remember my wedding day and I distinctly remember getting married to someone named Robyn.

He was confused at this point, "Marissa isn't your wife?"

"No, sorry."

He apologized and hung up. So, someone out there in Florida has a wife named Marissa who wants to see an awesome guy with a BMW. If you see Marissa tell her I took a message from awesome BMW guy.

What Happened to Honesty?

2011-04-03T16:31:00.000-06:00

I've had thoughts on this subject for a long time. But the events of the past few weeks have made those thoughts come closer to the surface of my mind.

What happened to honesty? Why don't people keep their word? I have a very vivid memory of the first time I discovered that other people didn't think it was important to tell the truth. I was in second or third grade, I was in the lunch room. As children do, somebody mixed up a few different foods and made an unappetizing concoction. One of the other kids put a dollar on the table and said that he would give it to whomever would eat the mush that had been created. I quickly reviewed in my head what was in this undesirable mix and decided that there was nothing inedible in it. The taste may not be desirable but that would be over in moments. Clearly the transaction was worth a dollar. In my first experience in the services industry, I became a contractor that ate something gross in exchange for compensation.

Of course, we had no written contract, but in my eyes, why would we need one? I promptly ate the mush. In exchange, this other little boy pointed at me and laughed, while saying scornfully, "I totally tricked you, why would I pay you?" Of course, I was faster than him and I grabbed his dollar before he could, and made no offer to return it to him. (Was that dishonest of me? It's debatable, but I recognize I was certainly not perfect in this transaction.)

That was the first time I realized that people don't tell the truth. As a little boy, it baffled me that someone would make an offer they didn't intend to honor.

Throughout my life I have been baffled by the rampant dishonesty around me. When I lived in BYU housing and signed the honor code, it really bothered me that there were so few around me that took the honor code seriously. Did I think some of the rules were really stupid? Absolutely! But I signed a paper saying I would keep those rules. When midnight came and I kicked girls out, occasionally some were offended, but my integrity was more important than their feelings at that moment. (I did try to do it nicely, and tried to give warning before midnight, and most girls understood because they also had signed the honor code, but some of the most offended were a few that had signed it but didn't think they actually had to honor what they signed.)

That brings me to the present. For those of you who don't know, Robyn and I are in the process of buying a house. We're really excited about it, it has a beautiful mountain view, (because I didn't want to give up my current mountain view) Robyn gets the master bathroom she's always wanted, and it has an unfinished basement which will hold my library and my sweet home theater room in the future. We're not selling our current house, though. We're going to keep it as a rental property. Part of the reason for this is that its value significantly dropped after I purchased the house. If we sell it, we'll lose a bunch of money, so we want to hold onto it until the value comes back.

So what is the honesty issue? We've been approved for financing, but our loan officer has made us fax him copies of the lease agreements with our new renters and he's made us jump through all sorts of hoops. He says that investors want to know that we're not going to walk away from the old house and let it go into foreclosure. When he said that, I was blown away. That had never even occurred to me as an option. I thought about saying, "Well, I can fax them my mortgage that says I'll pay it off over the next 30 years unless I pay it sooner." I figure the fact that I signed a contract and gave me word to actually honor the mortgage should be enough proof that I intent to honor it. I mean, I know it's not their fault that the contract I signed doesn't mean anything to them. So many people are just walking away from signed contracts. No one honors their word anymore.

People say things like, "The bank shouldn't have given me a loan I couldn't afford." What happened to personal responsibility? If you can't afford a loan, don't get that loan. Two people with the same income can't necessarily afford the same loan. One may like to go out to dinner more than the other. One may have a tendency to gamble. One may have a sick family member. These are all things that the individual should figure out for themselves. This is not the responsibility of the banks to figure out. Your lack of forethought does not exempt you from your obligations when you sign that contract.

Sorry for my ranting. I'm just frustrated with the difficulties we're having in proving that we really intend to rent out our house. I just wish we could live in a world where my word would be enough, because people actually honor their word. I'm not worried about whether we'll get the house. I know we will, but we'll just have to jump through a lot of hoops before we do. Meanwhile, I still believe in honesty. Maybe, if you're reading this, you'll join me in making our world a place that honors honesty.

There are No Ties in Monticello

2011-03-27T17:14:00.001-06:00

This weekend Robyn and I decided to embark on an adventure with our friends Cameron and Tammy. As part of our continuing mission to visit all of the LDS Temples in Utah, we drove down to Monticello to experience the temple there. We thought it would be fun to go to the temple and then stop off at Arches National Park to do some hiking.

Upon our arrival at our hotel, it occurred to me that, in my infinite wisdom, I had forgotten to bring my tie. I had my suit coat, my dress shoes, my white shirt, everything else I need, but somehow I forgot a tie. I figured it wouldn't be a big deal. I'd just swing by a store and purchase a tie before we go to the temple. I called the front desk at our hotel and asked where they thought I could buy a tie. They couldn't think of anyone that sold ties. I wanted to ask, "Does your husband own a tie? Where did he get it?" But I figured that wouldn't be nice. We even went to a little store nearby and asked the teller if she knew of anywhere that might sell ties. Apparently no ties can be bought or sold within Monticello city limits.

I went to the temple without a tie. I saw people coming out and figured they didn't need their ties anymore. I told Robyn I should go offer to buy one of them, but she felt that was much too embarrassing so I didn't do it.

Here is a self portrait we took at the temple. There are more pics at my temple blog

After the temple, we proceeded to Arches National Park. Luckily, a tie isn't required attire in Arches. But apparently Robyn and I had a disagreement about what attire was required. You see, I was under the impression that we were in the middle of the desert in southern Utah. I think she thought we were in Alaska. But this is us in front of Balanced Rock.

We hiked up to Delicate Arch. I have done that hike a number of times in my life, but I've always done it in the middle of the night. (You can see some night shots at Robyn's blog from a previous trip.) Cameron and Tammy were with us but we decided they were cheating because their legs are longer and require less strides. This is what we looked at the whole way up. (Isn't it unfair that they were ahead the whole time? President Obama should do something about this. I think when you spread the height around, it's good for everybody.)

We finally made it to Delicate Arch despite the fact that we are vertically challenged and required more strides to get there. We celebrated by being precious in front of the arch.

That other guy was celebrating with us. That's how he rolls.

The Pies Have Returned

2011-03-16T22:16:00.000-06:00

Well, March 14th came just like it does every year. And just like every year we got together to celebrate the fabulous number pi (3.14) by eating pie. (If you don't understand the correlation, March 14th can be written 3/14 which is similar to 3.14)

Pi day is a fabulous day every year. It's the day that all the normal people can appreciate the geeky ones among us who get excited about numbers. They don't notice the geekitude because they're too busy eating pie.

This year wasn't as big as some of our past celebrations but it was a success nonetheless.

We had a goodly number of pies.

We also had a good crew of people ready to eat pie.

We had judges who were selected because they had been on the BYU dance team. (Look, we've had a lot of pie nights over the years, getting new judges each time is difficult. Sometimes you have to make up some qualifications. Clearly dancers know if pie tastes good right?)

I feel we gave out good prizes this year for the best pies. First prize went to my BFF Jared W's mom. She has been a faithful attender at our pie events for years. She's been in the top 3 many times but this was her first time to take the crown. She leaped for joy and hugged me with such energy I was almost knocked over. You can't see it but I am presenting her a 10 dollar gift certificate to Kneaders. (So she can buy more pie)

Second prize went to Kathryn, she got this fancy calculator/ruler combo. Now she can calculate pi to her heart's content.

Third prize went to Carla, but her reward was possibly better than the other two. She was presented with an autographed picture of me and Robyn. (That will be worth some serious cash someday.)

It was a great event. I look forward to many great pi days in the future. It was also pointed out to me that tau (2 pi) is a great constant as well. I don't know why we've never celebrated it before but we may have to celebrate Tau day on June 28th. Tau has twice as much pie! Stay tuned for that goodness.

The Low Battery Detector

2011-03-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

We all know the dangers of fire. If there is a fire in your home you could be burned or could inhale too much smoke. These are things that most people consider to be less desirable.

To avoid these unpleasant scenarios many people purchase smoke detectors to put in their homes. I am currently cranky at my smoke detector, so the rest of this post will be expressing that crankiness. But before anyone gets too cranky at me I would like to express that I am a believer in smoke detectors and we even pay extra so that our smoke detector will automatically call the fire department if there is a problem.

Now that I've given that disclaimer, I'd like to discuss the function of the smoke detector. It's whole purpose is that when there is smoke it makes a loud, obnoxious sound that should be translated in your head to mean, "DUDE! THERE'S A FIRE IN YOUR HOUSE THAT COULD KILL YOU! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" Yes, I believe if they could speak they would use the word "dude".

Fortunately, we have never had a fire so ours has not had to deliver that message. Unfortunately, it still wants to be an active part of my life. One of ours happens to be in the hallway right outside the bathroom door. Whenever I take an exceptionally long shower, the steam flows out of the bathroom when I open the door. The alarm goes off to notify me "DUDE! YOU TOOK A REALLY LONG SHOWER! IT MADE LOTS OF STEAM! IT'S STEAMY! IT'S STEAMY! IT'S STEAMY!" This is a very helpful message to receive, especially since I then get a call from the monitoring company and I have to explain that my house is not burning down, I just took a long shower.

But that's not why I am currently cranky. The other night, I was awoken from my gentle slumber by a beeping noise. I lay there and slowly drifted to the point where I was almost back asleep when it went off again. This process repeated about 50,000 times. My heart was filled with much anger. The beeping was the alarm's way of saying. "DUDE! MY BATTERY IS LOW! I NEED A NEW BATTERY NOW! NO SLEEPING! NO SLEEPING!"

Here is what I don't understand about the low battery beep. If you ignore it, three months later it's still beeping, only the meaning has changed to "DUDE! YOU THOUGHT I HAD A LOW BATTERY, BUT I HAVE ENOUGH BATTERY TO BEEP UNTIL YOU GIVE IN! I KNOW YOU'LL CRACK BEFORE I DO! JUST GIVE IN! JUST GIVE IN!"

I'll have you know I heeded the warning. The beeping only lasted like 36 hours before we had bought new batteries. But it made me question the primary function of this device. Is it really a smoke detector? Certainly it has the ability to detect smoke, but most people will never use that function. The primary service that it provides is detecting a low charge within a battery. I hereby declare that they are smoke detectors no more. Henceforth, they shall be deemed low battery detectors.

I Will Eat Them in a House or With a Mouse

2011-03-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in a world created by Dr. Seuss? His books are filled with fancy architecture and super cool creatures. This week I got a glimpse into that world.

You see, a few days ago was Dr Seuss' birthday. Of course, I was quite ignorant of that fact. But Robyn, in her infinite wisdom, was not. When I came home from work that day I saw Robyn scooping something green onto a plate next to ham. At first I was a little confused but then I realized I was being treated to green eggs and ham.

I've only had green eggs and ham once in my life prior to this experience. As a small child I was going camping with my dad. He said I could choose whatever I wanted for breakfast and he would bring what he needed to make it in the morning. Being a sly little child I wanted to stump my dad by presenting an imaginary dish. I told him I wanted green eggs and ham. To my surprise he cooked me some green eggs and ham over a campfire the next morning.

Both of my green eggs and ham experiences transported me into a world of wonder. Even though this time I was aware of such things as food coloring, it still filled my heart with gladness and took away all my sadness. (Eased my troubles, that's what it did.)

Now that I know the world of Dr. Seuss is real, I'm hoping that Robyn will step up her game. I'm hoping to come home to find a new friend she found in the dark in the park.

We will take him home. We will call him Clark.

My Special Assignment From George

2011-02-28T22:05:00.001-07:00

As I'm sure all of you know, there is an important event coming this September. You see, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away there was a great battle that occurred, an epic struggle between good and evil. A man named George Lucas put together a documentary that chronicled these events. His important work will be coming to Blu-ray this September. This is very important, because I have clearly not purchased the Star Wars saga enough times. Yes, I own multiple VHS versions as well as a DVD version, but clearly I will need the Blu-Ray as well.

I do consider myself one of the Star Wars faithful. In my past I spent a number of nights sleeping on sidewalks so that I could be one of the first to partake of these movies.

I feel this picture from my high school days sums it up.

Wow, I may have been more of a nerd than I thought.

Anyway, considering how faithful I've been over the years, George Lucas wanted me to help promote the new Blu-Ray release. He and I worked together to create this short film where I play all of the male lead characters and Robyn plays Leia. I hope you enjoy it.

Trick or Treating For Adults

2011-02-23T19:50:00.001-07:00

Do you remember when you were younger? Remember how great Halloween was? You would get all dressed up in your costume, you would run all over town to get a good haul of candy. It was the greatest night ever.

I have good news for you. Adults can achieve the same thing. They just have to do it in a more awesome way.

This is me with my bag of goodness. (Sorry the red bag blends in with my red shirt.)
Photo by Chase Davies

Today I went to the Big Business Expo at UVU. This is where all sorts of businesses get together and go trick or treating to each other's booths. Almost every booth has a big bowl of candy. But even though candy was the pinnacle of goodness as children, candy is not even that cool at this trick or treating event because there's so much better stuff.

I got a myriad of pens, a calculator, a flash light, a first aid kit and other goodness. Some of the booths had pizza or nachos. Basically, it's the greatest thing ever. Take a look at my haul.

Not Pictured: All of the candy and other food I got

I was loving the free stuff so much. I really wanted to go to a booth and just say "Trick or Treat!" but I lacked the courage. I think part of the key to preserving this wonderful atmosphere is that the adults have to be in denial about the fact that they are trick-or-treating. But let's be honest. That's what was happening.

Maybe next year I'll wear a costume. That will get some attention.

Truly Awesome: Ken Jennings

2011-02-18T21:10:00.002-07:00

This past week a very important event occurred. I'm still geeking out about it.

In the world of geekdom we love to learn random bits of knowledge. The crowning pinnacle of this geeky habit is the game show Jeopardy! where you win money by knowing the answers to random questions. Of course, the greatest Jeopardy player there ever was is Ken Jennings.

Also, in the world of geekiness resides computer programming. I'm especially fascinated by Artificial Intelligence. I've played around with AI as I've attempted to write computer opponents to play chess or other games.

This week's event was the marriage of these two forms of geekalaciousness. IBM pitted their super computer Watson against the top two Jeopardy players of all time, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter. To put it simply, Watson dominated. (Watson ended with $77,147. Ken Jennings had $24,000 and Brad Rutter had $21,600)

But the best part was at the end. The final Jeopardy question had to do with the author of the book Dracula. This is how Ken Jennings answered the question.

Who is Stoker?
(I for one welcome our new computer overlords)

Ken Jennings, one of the world's smartest people, answered the question correctly and then added the afterthought that he welcomes our new computer overlords. Because, he knows, as we all should, that if the machines are beating us in trivia games, we are only one step away from the rise of the machines and the genocide of the human race. Naturally, he wants to get on their good side early.

So if Ken Jennings thinks it's coming, we should all be prepared for the rise of the machines.

It's coming soon. I predict April 21, 2011.

My Run in with the Law

2011-02-15T20:21:00.003-07:00

It occurred to me that there are a great wealth of stories that happened before the inception of this blog. It is a great tragedy to not share some of these stories. I decided I should share the story of the time that I was picked up by the cops. It's a good story.

I don't remember how old I was. But I do remember it was my birthday. I was turning either 14 or 15. I had an overnight party. We decided it was imperative that we toilet paper a house.

You have to understand that there was a period in my youth where toilet papering was the thing we did. There's something magical about the long streams of toilet paper attached to the top of the tree and flowing in the wind all the way down.

Anyway, there were two girls in our neighborhood that lived across the street from each other. They were fun and cute so they were natural targets for these sorts of things.

We did one house and then debated whether to do the second across the street. We were having so much fun we decided to keep going. About 20 minutes later we were putting the finishing touches on the second house. I always liked to put the empty rolls on the antenna of the cars. I was placing them on a car that was parked on the street when I saw headlights approaching.

Of course, the car I was working on was parked on the street and there wasn't time to run far, so I just dove behind the car in hopes that the oncoming car would just drive by. Unfortunately, it didn't drive by. More unfortunately, it was a cop.

This is not the cop that was there that night. But the cop did point kind of like this cop.

The officer stopped and got out of his car. He said in his most authoritative tone, "I know you're behind the car. Just stand up and show yourself." Naturally, I obeyed. He told all of his to reveal ourselves. Everyone came out from behind bushes and cars, except for my friend Mike. He started running away as fast as he could.

The officer yelled, "Come back right now." At this point I wasn't sure what would happen. Would he tase my friend? Would he pull out his gun? I figured if my friend got shot that might ruin my birthday. Luckily, my friend responded to the cop's command and returned to the group. (I still wonder what the cop would have done if he didn't obey.)

The cop took down all of our names. He asked us who was the ring leader of the group. Everyone pointed to me. He called my mom and asked if she knew where I was. "Yes, he's out toilet papering a house." (I always told my mom where I was going. I had a bad experience once when I snuck out. Maybe I'll write about that later.) The cop asked how many houses we were doing. "They were doing 1 and possibly a second." The cop told her he believed we had done 3.

He told us that we weren't in big trouble. He said he did the same thing when he was our age, but he said we had to clean up all 3 houses. We were confused, we had clearly only done two. But we commenced to clean up the two that we had done. Of course, this was a great tragedy to me. I felt that toilet papering was an art form. (Maybe I'll write later about the time I toilet papered my own house just because we had such excellent trees.) I didn't mind being the one to clean it up. I just wanted our recipients to see it first. I tried to bargain with the cop that I would come back at 10 AM and clean it up but he would have none of it.

Since we had already been caught, I think that our commitment to being stealthy was over. As such, as we were cleaning it up, the mom woke up and came outside to see what was happening. My friend Cyle was standing right next to the front door when she came out. When he saw her he just said, "It wasn't me, it was Jeff Stockett." I have such courageous friends.

After cleaning up the two houses we were told we needed to clean up the third house. We tried to explain that we had only done 2 houses, but again, he would have none of it. He marched us to the 3rd house about 3 blocks away. He drove his car as we walked along side it.

When we got there we were amazed. Remember I told you that it was an art form? Well, we had come to clean up the work of Rembrandt. Every stream went to the very top of the 40 foot tree. The flowing toilet paper was truly beautiful. We were honored that the cop considered our skill to be on par with these masters. We tried to explain that, as honored as we were, it wasn't us. He didn't care, he just wanted it cleaned up.

So there I was 30 feet in the air, pulling toilet paper out of a tree at 3 AM. I think that's when I decided that my toilet papering career was over. You should also know, that was the only time I was on the wrong side of the law (other than speeding tickets, those don't count.)

The Ducks Are Watching

2011-02-12T19:45:00.003-07:00

Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, somewhere, somehow, there is a duck that is watching you.

I used to think that was an irrational fear. How could the ducks always be watching? They can't see that far, they certainly can't see through walls. But somehow, they are watching. Here's how I know: They gave me this certificate.

At first I thought that maybe by sending me this certificate they might be trying to guilt me into sending them money so that I could feel like I earned the certificate. But, then I thought about it more. Clearly they just wanted me to know how much they appreciate all the things I have done for ducks throughout the world. Obviously they must have been watching me very closely, because they realized what a duck supporter I am even before I did.

Let me share with you all the things I've done for ducks over the years.

1. I use the address labels they gave me.
You know those little labels that companies give you that have your home address on them? You can put them on envelopes so you don't have to write out a return address. Well, the duck people sent me some of those. The following people and organizations are fully aware of my support for ducks: the mailman, my mortgage company, and my utility companies. I'm really getting the word out for ducks.

2. I never pick up a duck in a dungeon
You should know better than to pick up a duck in a dungeon.

3. If someone throws something at my head I duck
This may seem trivial, but that movement promotes ducks every time I do it.

4. I go on ducky dates
You know the date where you take a girl to a duck pond and throw bread at the ducks? I have taken a number of girls on this date. Every time it resulted in a marriage within a year. Only once did that marriage involve me.

5. I ask small children what sound a duck makes
This gets the word out about ducks very early in the lives of the next generation.

So, as you can see. My service to duck kind has been incredible. This can only mean that the ducks have been watching me closely. It makes sense. I would watch me if I were a duck. I do funny stuff all the time.

Your Bucket List

2011-02-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

What do you want to do before you die? What do you want to accomplish? Who do you want to become? What do you want to see? What do you want to experience? How do you want to serve?

Sometimes it's fun to reflect on what you want to accomplish. Hopefully, we will all live long, full lives. But are there certain things that you want to be included in that long full life?

A while back a movie came out called "The Bucket List." It was an okay movie, but it introduced the idea of a list of things to do before you kick the bucket, and I really liked that idea.

I think too often we live life day to day without thinking about the big (or small) dreams we have for the future. I recently decided that I needed to compose my bucket list. I started doing it in notepad on my computer but I decided that strategy was seriously lacking in awesomeness.

I did some googling until I found a recently launched website that I really like. It is at http://bucketlist.org. It is super awesome. It allows you to create your own list, browse other people's lists, follow lists that you select, copy other people's items, and even add videos and pictures to any item on your list so that you can show off your awesomeness after you complete an item (or use pictures to better show what you're going to do before you do it.)

Since making my own list I have begun evangelizing friends and family so that they too will make lists on the site. I already have a few converts. (okay, I'll admit two of them are my wife and my mom who are both required to put up with all my craziness)

So the next step in my evangelizing is this very blog post. So what are you waiting for? Why don't you go to the site and make a list of your own? Your list can and should include things that are practical, fun, easy, hard and some things that are downright crazy.

Even if you decide not to do it on the site, I encourage you to think about it. Have fun with it. Dream about what you'd like to do, see or accomplish. If you need some ideas for your list feel free to check out my list. Let me know if you join the site so I can follow you. Also, feel free to comment with some (or all) of your bucket list items.

My Lost Powers

2011-02-05T10:00:00.004-07:00

A few days ago I experienced an important day in history. Robyn has long been an enemy of my eyebrows. She has long desired to trim them but recently was the day I finally allowed it.

You see, I had this one super awesome eyebrow hair that was super long. It's been there for many moons, and I've always known about it. But a few weeks ago my brother Zack pointed it out. He said, "I just keep staring at your super long eyebrow hair. It's kind of gross."

I think Robyn felt that my brother's comment gave her license to say something. Ever since then she has threatened to pluck it while I sleep or do other wicked things to it.

It should be noted that I didn't look this guy:

And, as awesome as he is, I didn't even look like this guy.

I wish I had taken a close up picture so you could understand the awesomeness. The awesomeness of the two guys above was dwarfed by my own. You see, this one eyebrow hair had been with me as long as I'd been alive. The rest of them have fallen out over the years and been replaced by other hairs, but not this one.

Since this one hair had never been cut, I could sing to it and it would glow. (It didn't have that power until I saw the movie Tangled, but that movie revealed to me the power of an uncut hair.) Also, much like Samson, my uncut eyebrow hair granted me uncanny strength. I was able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, eat large meals in a single bite and say long words with a single breath.

But, alas, ever since the cutting of my eyebrow hair I have felt tired. My powers are lost. I feel like the rest of the normal eyebrow trimming population. I don't think I should have let her do it. What do you think?

The Night Visitor

2011-02-02T18:03:00.003-07:00

I didn't get much sleep last night. The Night Visitor ruined my life.

I was in my bed, sleeping soundly like a good kid. It was about 1:30 AM. The doorbell rang and it woke me up. But you know how sometimes you get woken up and you think you heard something but you don't really know because you were asleep? That's the experience I had. I laid there thinking, "did someone really just ring the doorbell?" Finally I decided I had better go check. I didn't really expect to see anyone there because I thought I had dreamed it.

I looked out the peephole and saw a man standing there. I didn't have a good feeling when I looked at the guy but he turned and said something to a friend of his and that's when I noticed a black figure standing there. I liked that individual even less. I debated for a few moments whether I should open the door. But the first thing that came to my mind was the movie, "The Strangers". (It's about not nice people that ring your doorbell.)

These are not the people that rang my doorbell. These are The Strangers that I thought of.

I don't know if the guy heard me approach the door but only a few seconds after I looked through the peephole he became excited. He started yelling, "Mark! Mark!" I don't know who Mark is, but I know it's not me. At this point it reminded me of the vampires in the book I Am Legend that stand outside Robert Neville's house and yell his name. (Not the zombified ones from the movie)

These are also not the people who rang my doorbell. This is cover art from I Am Legend.

After I realized I wasn't in a horror flick I pondered what the true story might be. This Night Visitor was obviously confused. He really wanted to see Mark and he was quite sure that Mark was inside my house. I thought maybe he was drunk or high. He might be a nice guy that just needs some guidance. Maybe he just wanted to be the first one to wish me a happy Groundhog Day. Whatever his reasons, I still really didn't want to talk to him. I kept looking out the peephole every few minutes to see if he was still there. He rang the doorbell a few more times (Luckily, Robyn never woke up) and then he finally gave up and left. I watched him and his darkly visaged friend go get into their car and then I went back to bed. Of course, the weirdness was too much for me to immediately go back to sleep, so I read a book that happened to be next to my bed about how to survive a zombie attack for the next hour or so. It made me feel much better and I was able to return to my slumber.

Was I just a scared wimp? Have I read too many books and seen too many movies? Should I have opened the door? Or was I wise to keep it closed? Perhaps I avoided a serial killer, zombie or vampire. What do you think?

I'm Catchin' It

2011-01-30T14:53:00.001-07:00

I've always liked little children. They say funny things, they do funny things, they revel in their own cuteness. (Much like myself.)

I have a harder time with babies. I can't relate to them the way I do children. I can't have amusing conversations with them because they don't speak. Their cuteness is much more subtle. (They don't say cute things, they may just have a cute smile or cute giggle.) I generally don't understand anything that's subtle.

So, my time spent working with the Sunbeams was great. That is about the age where I start to get them. This past week, we were sitting in Sunday School and someone came in from the nursery and asked us if we could come help out. Apparently some of the normal people could not make it.

I went into the nursery, knowing full well that these children are at the level where I can't comprehend them. I walked in and saw that all the adults were assisting the children in their construction of various items with Play-Doh. I sat down next to one little girl and asked her what she was constructing. She excitedly told me something that she was very passionate about. The only problem? I'm pretty sure she was speaking reformed Egyptian. (I'm not 100% sure of that, I just know it wasn't english.) So I just agreed with everything she was saying and I told her it was awesome.

Later, she actually said something in English. It was time to play with toys, so she grabbed a ball and began "Catchin' it."

In case you don't understand what "catchin' it" is, I have outlined the steps to this game below:
1. Proclaim, "I'm Catchin' it!" as loudly as you can. (But do it cutely)
2. Run as fast as you have strength towards the ball.
3. Run with full force through the ball so that it bounces away from you
4. Stop and fall to the ground
5. Repeat steps 1-4 until by some miracle you gain control of the ball
6. Throw the ball as far as you can, and proceed to step 1.

For your convenience I have provided this flowchart

I had a lot of fun in the nursery. I decided that even though the children there speak reformed Egyptian, they're not too frightening. Now the only ones I'm afraid of are newborns. (I'm pretty sure they break if you drop them. Plus, they have a hole in the top of their skull. Who does that?)

The Verifiable Truth

2011-01-19T20:29:00.000-07:00

The other day Robyn told me I was the "best husband in the world". Of course, I didn't doubt that it was true. But I was just curious about the data she had gathered before making such a statement. Had she gathered a large sample? Did she know the margin of error for that statement? Did she take into account the standard deviation for her polling set? So I asked her, "Wouldn't you have to marry every man in the world before you could be sure of that?"

She answered that she didn't have to marry them all because she could just observe them. I figured that was probably true but I was still concerned that she might have obtained too small of a sample to extrapolate who the very best could be. I asked her, "Then wouldn't you at least have to observe every husband in the world to really know who is the best?"

She pondered briefly and then told me, "You're the best husband that I've ever observed." I thought for a moment. Her statement was completely verifiable with the data she had available to her. We had reached complete truth. But it wasn't nearly as satisfying.

Perhaps it is okay to exaggerate beyond your ability to verify the data. Could that be true?

SabreTooth Will Never Be Elder's Quorum President

2011-01-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, we were recently released as Sunbeam Teachers in our ward. This means that I currently don't have any sort of job at church. The break is nice. I like to be able to just sit back and learn about Christ. But with it comes some uncertainty. You see, having a calling means I know what my calling is. If I don't have one they could call me to anything scary at any moment. This brings me some anxiety. (I know that the Lord will only call me to do jobs I can handle, and that I will learn and grow from it. That doesn't mean that new things aren't scary)

So that's where SabreTooth comes in. You see, I was pondering ways that I could help the Bishop know he shouldn't give me a scary calling. My first strategy was that Robyn could start spreading rumors that I am a potty mouth. Then I recently had my mouth washed out with soap. Though the rumor was never true, it just feels like it would lose some impact now.

Then I met SabreTooth. Or at least I met a guy that looks exactly like him. My first thought was, "Does that guy know he looks just like SabreTooth?" Then my second thought was, "That guy will totally not be Elder's Quorum President. He's a genius." (If you don't know who SabreTooth is, he is a villain in the X-Men series of movies and comic books.)

So that's all I have to do. Grow a beard like SabreTooth and some freakishly long fingernails. I could totally do that. There's only one problem. My wife doesn't want to be married to SabreTooth. I mean, I understand her concern. Wolverine is easily more awesome.

But, I'd have to get retractable claws surgically added to my hands. While it would be awesome, that's a much more difficult project. The other option I've pondered is to become a creepy snake guy.

That is sure to get results. But, I'm guessing Robyn doesn't want to be married to a creepy snake guy either.

I don't think any of that is going to work. I suppose I'll just have to remain Jeff and accept whatever responsibilities that are given to me. I'm sure I'll be happier doing the Lord's work in whatever capacity He asks of me, even if I don't have retractable claws.

Soap: The Breakfast of Champions

2011-01-12T20:50:00.003-07:00

I'll tell you this: When I woke up this morning I wasn't planning to eat soap for breakfast. You don't really plan on things like that. To understand how it happened let me take you deep into the past, into the wee hours of this morning.

I was sleeping peacefully, a joyful look of bliss on my face. Robyn woke me up to tell me she was leaving for school and give me a goodbye kiss. I'm not really sure what she said to me. As is generally the case in the mornings, I was only aware that she was saying too many words for me to understand.

She left and I drifted back into the safety of sleep. The next thing I knew the alarm went off, abruptly jerking me into our rough, cold world. (I generally try to get up before the alarm goes off, Robyn's kisses are much more gentle than the cruel alarm.)

In my semi coherent state I stumbled into the kitchen to make my normal breakfast of scrambled eggs. Robyn had cooked some hamburger last night so I put a little dish soap in the frying pan and grabbed a sponge and washed the pan. After washing it, I rinsed it. Apparently when you're not entirely coherent you're also not entirely efficient either, it's possible my rinsing was less effective.

I cracked my eggs and let them cook. After I finished cooking them I sat down to eat. I took a few bites and realized that something was very wrong. The eggs just didn't taste good. I thought to myself, "Perhaps they just need more salt" (Salt is awesome, it makes everything taste better.) I salted them and still there was something very wrong.

At this point I was still eating, even though it was gross. You see, sometimes you just have to go through hard times to figure it out. After a few more minutes my brain finally achieved full consciousness and in that very moment it came up with the answer. "These eggs taste like soap." I looked over to the sink where the bottle of dish soap was still sitting. I had cooked my eggs in a pan that had not been totally rinsed from the soap. I realized with horror what I had been eating. Then I took one more bite just to be sure. (I sacrifice myself for science.)

When you were a kid did you ever get your mouth washed out with soap? Well, any bad things I might have said are definitely washed away now. Also, judging by how the day has gone so far, I think all my insides are cleaned out pretty good too. Maybe this is what is meant by "clean hands and a pure heart."

On second thought: No, that's not what it means.

The Prime Directive

2011-01-08T14:31:00.001-07:00

You're all familiar with the StarFleet Prime Directive in Star Trek that says you can't interfere with other developing civilizations. (Don't even try to pretend you don't know about it. I know you're all as geeky as me.)

Well, in the marriage between Robyn and I there is also a prime directive. (It's not really a directive, more of a very important request. But calling it the prime request is just lame.)

As you know, when I am sleeping there are some very important protocols that must be followed such as:

My pillows need to be piled to a very specific height. I have dozens of pillows so that as pillows get older and their thickness changes I can swap in different pillows to achieve perfection. (The softness of the pillows also requires some special calculations as well.)

The temperature needs to be deliciously cool. Sleeping requires snuggling with a blanket. It should never be warm enough that snuggling is not comfortable.

Under no circumstances should my legs touch each other. This goes without explanation. Why would anyone want their legs to touch?

But the Prime Directive, the most important rule of sleep, is quite simple: NO TOUCHING! We can cuddle before we go to sleep. Discuss our day, hold each other in an extremely cute manner. But once sleep time has come, the no touching policy is strictly enforced. (Again, I use the term enforced loosely, as it means strongly requested, in this case.)

Well, last night something terrible happened. The Prime Directive was violated. In the beginning of our marriage the Prime Directive was torn asunder on a nightly basis. But that has largely been solved by the purchase of a King Sized bed.

Last night, not even the King Sized bed could save us. I had just lain down for a long winter's nap, and was slowly drifting off into dream land when Robyn reached over and started feeling my face. Her hand was moving all over my face, feeling my eye sockets, my nose, my mouth. It, of course, jerked me out of the blissful dream world I had entered. Despite being jarred back into this world I asked what I felt was a very logical question, "Why are you feeling my face?"

As if in response to my question, her hand latched onto my nose. She made no sounds, seemingly the nose grab was answer enough. It was as if she was saying, "Don't worry about it, I found what I was looking for." She may have found what she needed, but what I needed was not to have her clutching my nose. The prime directive was violated, and the very existence of my nose was in jeopardy. Again, I asked a very logical question, "What are you doing?" Although the question was very logical, it's possible my voice contained a bit more energy than the first time.

Apparently the raised voice jolted her from her nose wielding dream. She let go and rolled over. I thought the battle was over. I thought the prime directive was safe. Apparently I was wrong.

I began drifting back to sleep, the sandman was ferrying me across a river into dreamland. Again, I was jolted from that world. Robyn grabbed my hand and pulled it to her. She scooted herself closer and hugged my hand a little bit. I gently pulled my hand away but then both her arms reached out and just plopped on top of me. I actually tried to sleep that way for a little while. It didn't take me long to realize that this flagrant violation of the prime directive was going to keep me awake all night. Then I realized the problem. I was clearly out of my portion of the bed. I had left my one third and wandered into her two thirds. I apologized for violating her territory and curled into a cute little ball on my edge of the bed.

The prime directive had been made safe. I was finally able to complete my journey into the dream world, where I'm a Viking.

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Not an Adult

2011-01-06T21:40:00.001-07:00

So Robyn and I were released as Sunbeam teachers. (We used to teach the 3 and 4 year olds in our church but they've rotated someone else in to take a turn in that position.) I was really excited to actually get a chance to be edified by attending Sunday School and just sitting back and listening.

We got to Sunday School and we realized it's been so long since we've attended that we didn't even know what the curriculum was this year. (They rotate each year between Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants.) As Robyn and I sat down she commented, "I wonder what we're learning about this year." I looked at her with excitement because I knew the answer, "We're learning about Jesus!" That's when I knew that I had permanently reverted back to being a Sunbeam. (Not that I ever really left.)

As time went on, it just got worse. We had a great lesson in Elder's Quorum about the oath and covenant of the priesthood, but I just kept looking at my watch and thinking, "Isn't it singing time?" or "maybe we should play a game." I do really enjoy being in the audience. I do love to discuss the gospel, but there are a few things I'll miss about the sunbeams. Here are a few of them.

The wonder they experience when learning the gospel
We were giving a Christmas lesson right before Christmas. I asked them whose birthday we were celebrating. The unanimous answer was "Santa". But then one girl thought a little bit longer and said, "Jesus". The others looked at her as if she were crazy and then she said, "Well, that's what my daddy told me." We reassured her that her daddy was correct, and all the other kids were amazed. I think the fact that Jesus had a birthday helped make Him a little more real to them.

The funny ways they interpret things
Robyn was sick on the Sunday before Christmas so I prepared the lesson all on my own. I came up with a brilliant game to play. I brought a star and had all the kids pretend they were wise men. One kid got to carry the star and the others followed him or her around the room. I told the wise men that they needed to pretend they were on camels. One kid tried to take that as literally as possible. He figured if he was riding a camel he would pretty much be doing the splits. So he spread his legs as wide as possible, but in that position he really had trouble keeping up with the star. It's not a very big room so they just march in circles. It wasn't very long before the kid holding the star had caught up with the wide straddling camel rider and was now behind him. The star became very angry, "I'm the star! You have to follow me! You can't be in front of me!" This is where I worry about my future parenting skills. I just think the whole thing is humorous. Luckily, my friend Cameron was assisting me that day and he helped bring back order.

Their willingness to share their lives
They say there are two people in the ward who know everything: The Bishop and the sunbeam teachers. I think that just might be true. They have a lot of interesting things to share. I won't share the most incriminating ones but they're often pretty funny. One of my favorites was when they all wanted to share what their parent's nicknames are: "My dad calls my mom babe!" "Well, my mom calls my dad honey!" "My mom calls my dad cupcake!" "But you eat a cupcake!" They all thought it was hilarious.

All in all, it's been a fun ride. As I sat in Elder's Quorum I saw the new teacher with our class walking by with all of them as they folded their arms and walked in a line. One of the dads saw her and commented, "She's got quite a handful there." Then he reached up and patted me on the shoulder and said how his son liked our class. It made me happy. It made me miss them. I'm going to enjoy getting to learn with the other adults. But it will be my little secret that I'm not really an adult. I don't really belong among them.

I'm a Trillionaire

2011-01-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

The picture above is me brandishing my shiny new 100 trillion dollar bill. I know it looks like monopoly money but it is actual legal currency. (or at least it was until April 12, 2009) The Zimbabwe Dollar was the official currency in the country of Zimbabwe but after it become completely worthless they abandoned it. Trading in Zimbabwe consists primarily of the US dollar now.

You may be asking yourself, why did Jeff decide he needed to acquire a now defunct currency? There are two primary reasons:
1. It's awesome. Did I mention I'm a trillionaire?
2. This week a crowd of newly elected congressmen will be taking office. I wanted to use my 100 trillion dollar bill to make a point about the role our government plays in our every day lives.

You see, over the past two years a new political movement has formed. It is largely a grassroots movement, but there have been a number of people who have tried to appear as heads of the tea party patriots. I don't consider myself a member of the tea party, because there are enough versions of the tea party out there that I'm not really sure what they stand for all of the time. I will just say that I'm a conservative, and I ally myself with anyone who espouses conservative beliefs.

But I do want to talk a little bit about the tea party. Many of them have been criticizing our current administration for the exorbitant amount of spending that has gone on. President Obama has responded by saying, "They should thank me, many of them are now paying less in taxes." First of all, that statement is deceptive. He has lowered taxes in some areas but raised them in others. But the issue really isn't about taxes.

Let me try to make an analogy. Let's say that my wife and I agree that she can spend $100 a month on shoes. (Keep in mind this is a fictional analogy.) Every month, $100 gets removed from our account and she goes and buys shoes. But then one month she decides she needs $150 worth of shoes. She knows that I won't want to spend the extra on shoes, so she opens up a credit card. She only takes $70 from our bank account and she puts $80 on the credit card. Then she says, "He should be thanking me. I saved us 30 dollars."

In the analogy, my wife is the government, taxpayers are me, shoes could be all sorts of social programs or any other government spending and China is the credit card. Is she really saving us money by increasing our expenses and financing a large chunk of it? Cutting taxes is definitely good. It stimulates the economy. It's like if I took that 30 dollars and invested it. I might come out ahead of the interest rate on the card. But if you cut taxes while raising expenses you are just digging a whole that is harder to get out of.

Eventually the credit card gets maxed out. China doesn't want to lend us any more money. Then the government has basically two options:
1. They can increase taxes
2. They can print the money.

Neither option is good. If you get taxes too high it strangles the economy. Herbert Hoover tried that during the depression. After that, it became the Great Depression.

If you print money you turn into Zimbabwe.

In 1980 when the Zimbabwe dollar was established it was worth more than the US dollar. It was worth about $1.47. Things went well for a while. They started by printing money just to pay off some debts. Each time they printed a little more the problem got worse. By July of 2008 an egg cost ZW$50 billion. Teller machines would not allow you to withdraw more than ZW$100 billion per day. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to buy a loaf of bread.

People say it can't happen here. Well, why not? We are governed by the same laws of economics. A United States Federal Reserve note only has value because we all agree it does. If the government starts printing trillions of them, they become as worthless as the paper they are printed on.

So, back to my point. We have a new congress with a Republican majority. Republicans are still the minority in the Senate but with a few more seats. In November, Americans gave a resounding message that we are looking for fiscal responsibility and constitutional government. (It all happened just as I predicted it would a year ago.)

Republicans have a chance to give the people what they want. They may not necessarily accomplish their goals, but it's important for them to try to get some conservative legislation passed, particularly targeting spending. If this happens, even if it is blocked by democrats in the Senate and in the Presidency (perhaps especially in that case) we will be looking at a Republican majority in the Senate and a Republican President in the white house come the next election.

If Republicans turn out to be as crazy spenders as the democrats (as they have many times in the past) the American people will be fed up and it could mean that democrats retake the house in 2012.

Of course, I hope I'm completely wrong. I'd love to see President Obama turn things around. I'd love to see him curb his spending. I'd love to see him create some certainty in the market place. I'd love for democrats to govern a little more from the center, even if it means they won't be swept out in future elections. I'd love for the United States to remain a bastion of freedom and hope to the world.

What do you think?

What Tron Taught Me

2010-12-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

Spoiler Alert: The following post contains some of my musings after seeing the movie Tron: Legacy. While I am not writing out a summary of the movie, my musings will definitely reveal many of the plot points. If this offends you turn back now, or proceed at your own risk.

The Company I work for has a fabulous tradition of going to see a movie sometime in December during the work day. This tradition is what is commonly known as awesome. This year the movie of choice was Tron: Legacy. It was a fun movie, not life changing or anything but I did notice some important life lessons as I was watching the movie. Here are the things I discovered in no particular order.

Programmers have Phenomenal Cosmic Powers
Kevin Flynn was seen by all of the programs as a messianic character. They showed him reverence as their creator. No program I have written has ever worshiped me, but apparently that's only because in our world the programs are sets of instructions that just do what they're told. In the computer world, a simple binary translator program could be rocking at a light cycle game or chilling at the bar.

In the same way, in our world I have to write code to make stuff happen. In the computer world I just hold up my hands and magic happens. I don't think anyone in our world appreciates how cool programmers are.

I Want one of These

I'm just sayin'

Bad Guys Glow Red
I think our world could be improved if bad guys always glowed red and good guys glowed blue or white. Imagine if a sketchy salesman was trying to sell you something. Is he glowing blue? You can trust him. If not, just walk away. (I know, that one dude that betrayed them wasn't glowing red but he wasn't glowing at all so I'm pretty sure you can trust people if they're glowing blue.)

My brain is in HD
This new movie had some super sweet graphics for the light cycles and the other contests. The strange thing is that when I saw the original Tron as a little kid I'm pretty sure the graphics were just as cool. At least, I remember it looking cool. But I went back and watched the original Tron and it turns out that my brain had upconverted the picture that I saw as a little child, because the movie itself is pretty ghetto. Who knew?

Thirteen is in the computer world
On the TV show House, the character known as 13 vanished quite abruptly. It turns out she was in the computer world the whole time. Not even Dr. Gregory House was able to figure that one out.

That's all the information I learned from watching Tron. Do you have anything you would like to add?

The Christmas Puzzle

2010-12-25T19:08:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite Christmas traditions happens to be a tradition that Robyn despises. You see, ever since I was a small child I have thoroughly enjoyed the process of feeling each gift, shaking it, listening to it, and deriving every bit of information that can be gathered without actually opening the gift.

To a seasoned present questioner, it's amazing how much information can be gathered without seeing the present. A simple shaking can reveal the weight and the dimensions. A little feeling can reveal shape and texture. Once the basics have been found it's just a matter of querying the database in your brain. You don't have to cross reference the information against everything in the world, you only have to cross reference it against things you want. The important thing is that your brain should have stored all the information about everything that you want in a database table. Then your brain just has to run a simple SQL query. Something along the lines of "SELECT title FROM desired_items where width='x' AND weight='y'". (If you don't understand the SQL query, don't worry, I just put that in for the benefit of the nerds.)

Robyn doesn't like this game. She doesn't appreciate when I solve the puzzle. She didn't like watching me pick up each present and then tell her what they were. She doesn't understand the complex algorithms that are going on inside my head as I figure out height, weight and so on.

I have to say, despite her not liking this particular game, I was impressed with her skill. Knowing of my excellent present shaking skills she did some work to hide the true information about some of my gifts. One gift in particular, she put a small ziploc bag filled with Cap'n Crunch inside the box. Thus when it was shaken, all that could be heard was the cereal. Of course, I knew right away I was hearing cereal, but I was unable to pick out the proper sounds.

My mom, who has witnessed my skills for longer than Robyn has, especially enjoys the thrill of challenging me. She had one particular gift that she handed me and dared me to figure it out. I have to admit, she defeated me. How could I possibly know that there could be this level of coolness? Here is me with my cute new pet Cthulhu.

(If you don't know who Cthulhu is, he's an evil demon thought up by H.P. Lovecraft who telepathically enslaves people or drives them mad. He's also very cute, as seen above.)

Of course, my mother didn't stop there. She also challenged me with another gift. She wrote a note on the outside saying, "This will help make it easier to have children." Again, I couldn't guess this one. She gave me this awesome binky that makes a baby look like a vampire.

She has me there. Who wouldn't want to make their precious baby look like a vampire? What she failed to take into account was that I make a pretty precious vampire myself. I bet she didn't see that coming.

Isn't Christmas great? Of course, there are many reasons to enjoy Christmas besides presents (and solving the great mystery of presents.) I enjoyed spending the day with family and loved ones. I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas!

The Magic of Work Parties

2010-12-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

Thursday was a day of love. It started with me going to the Salt Lake Temple where Robyn's sister Megan was sealed to her new husband Graham. I've written before about my excitement about their wedding. It was so fun to see how happy they are together. It brought back memories of my own wedding and the feelings I felt. It is possible, however unlikely, that they are actually more precious than Robyn and I.

It would be impossible to convey the full preciousness to anyone who wasn't there. So to help you understand their preciousness I have included the following picture of Meggy Weggy and Grahamy Wammy in their most precious state.

(Robyn and I were in charge of making their wedding video so I scanned lots of precious pictures.)

But, if you thought that was enough love for the day you would be wrong. I now must share with you the tale of Chase and Lauren.

You see, while I was celebrating the fact that I had gained a new brother in Graham. Chase took his girlfriend, Lauren, on a super sweet date. On this date, he asked her a very important question. No, he didn't ask her who her favorite Star Wars character is. (But that would be an important question as well.) He asked her to marry him, and she said yes! This means that not only do I get a new brother-in-law in Graham but I get a new coworker-in-law in Lauren. That is a lot of love.

(Chase has not put me in charge of scanning pictures of him, so I don't have precious pictures. I scoured his facebook page to find a pic of him and Lauren, but I couldn't find one. So here is a pic of him with Boba Fett.)

To fully understand their story, you need to know a bit of my story. Three years ago, Robyn and I had our first date to a work Christmas party. The following year I went to the same Christmas party with her as my wife.

Chase and Lauren went on their first date after Chase's mission to a Summer Barbecue hosted by our work. Now that they are engaged we see the power of work parties. I don't know if they have magic at every company but they certainly do at the company I work at.

I tried to explain the power of work parties to my other coworker, Ben. (The one who is mistaken about Frosted Mini Wheats) He took a girl on a first date to our Christmas party this year. I hope he is ready to marry her because we know that's what will happen.

That, my friends, will be a lot of love.

The Christmas Card

2010-12-15T22:43:00.001-07:00

I like Christmas cards. Whether it's a silly dancing Santa, some sort of awkward penguin or a precious family picture it's always fun to know that friends are thinking of you.

I received a Christmas card from my friends Josie and Bart (and their son Dave). It had a precious picture of them on the front. But, more important was the wisdom that was shared on the back.

These are the immortal words of the Christmas Card.

Jeff + Robyn = awesomeness

So far so good. I've tested that hypothesis and found it to be true. The card continues:

Christmas=awesomeness

I also concur with that postulate. I'm starting to see where this is going. Finally, the conclusion of the card:

Without Jeff and Robyn, Christmas wouldn't exist.

That is good logic. It tastes good. Do you see how they used the transitive property of mathematics to come upon that conclusion? (whenever A = B and B = C, then also A = C.)

I have such wise friends.

The Magic of Christmas

2010-12-12T16:28:00.001-07:00

Christmas is two weeks from yesterday. It is a magical time of year. Ever since I was small, there was always something magical about Christmas.

I remember once when I was around 5 or 6 years old I began to doubt the existence of Santa Clause. I determined that what I needed was empirical evidence to either confirm or deny that Santa Clause was the source of my presents. I was very small at the time (as opposed to the towering monolith of manliness that I am today) and so I could squeeze into tight places. I determined that I would find a good hiding place in view of the Christmas Tree where I would wait out the night on Christmas Eve.

I figured that I would either see Santa Clause or my parents, and this would provide me with the evidence I needed to determine once and for all if there was a large elf who could travel at faster than light speeds delivering presents to all 6 billion residents of the planet in one night.

Well, as I lay in my hiding place the time marched on. From the perspective of my child brain I remember laying there for hours upon hours. It could have possibly been days or even weeks. Of course, judging from how children that I know view the world, it was probably 15 or 20 minutes. But after that eternal amount of time I began to doubt my doubts. I thought that if there was a Santa Clause he would probably be aware that I was watching. He probably wouldn't come because I was there. I decided that I wasn't willing to risk the pain of not receiving presents. It wasn't worth it, even for the knowledge gained. I retired to my bed, bested by Santa Clause.

I suppose a part of me didn't want to lose the magic. Since then, I have been in the room when my mom put the presents under the tree. As a teenager I apparently stayed up later then my parents were willing to wait. I rebuked them for ruining the magic, but I'm sure they were just assisting Santa. He does have a lot of people to visit.

The magic still lives today, but it's no longer about Santa Clause. I wanted to share a few of the things that still feel magical to me.

Snow
Robyn doesn't like snow. While she was growing up, their version of a white Christmas was a foggy day. I told her that California doesn't have real Christmas. There's something about a freshly fallen Snow, and the Christmas lights as they shine through it. I love the feeling when you stand outside as the snow is falling and the world looks completely clean and untouched. The snow all around has never been stepped in, it's like the world has been born again.

Presents
I love to receive presents, I'm not gonna lie. But I also really love giving that perfect gift, the one that surprises and delights the receiver. Robyn says I get a "sneaky face" when I give her that gift. Our first Christmas together I apparently had the sneaky face on Christmas Eve and it caused her to wake up ridiculously early, and then quietly and pleadingly wake me up and ask "can we open presents now?"

Family
There's something magical about being with those you love. You can relax, laugh together and feel all the warm fuzzy feelings that make Christmas amazing.

The miracle of our Savior's birth and life
The greatest Christmas gift any of us has ever received is the miracle of forgiveness. Our Savior paid for our sins so that each of us could become clean and be allowed to live again in our Father's kingdom. Through him we can overcome death as well as our own wretched sins.

I hope you all have a wonderful merry Christmas. What are some of the things that you think are magical about this time of year?

The Sign of the Trident

2010-12-04T17:31:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I'm a demigod. I know that sounds crazy, but how else do you explain the signs I've received? I'm getting ahead of myself, I suppose I should probably explain the miraculous signs.

There is something you should know before I tell my story. First, I feel that Sheldon should explain the difference between a fork and a trident. Watch this video:

As Sheldon so eloquently puts it, "tridents are for ruling the seven seas." Well, that brings me to my story. On Thursday night Robyn and I went out to dinner at Mimi's Cafe. They served us dinner, but they also gave us this:

I joked to Robyn that I didn't know whether I should eat or rule the seven seas. But beyond that, I thought nothing of it. Then last night, we had the company Christmas party for my work. It was a very fancy and delicious dinner, but when I sat down I noticed this.

Well, obviously since I just joked about it the night before, the sign had to be sent again. It is very reminiscent of the book The Lightning Thief (not the movie, it was a sad rendition of the book). Percy Jackson got in an awesome sword fight where he beat everybody up. When he stood in the water it healed all his wounds and he looked up and saw a glowing Trident above his head, it was sent from Poseidon to let him know that Percy was his son.

Clearly Poseidon was sending me a message. I am meant to rule the seven seas. I think this means I should take more trips to the beach.

A Day of Gratitude and Turkey

2010-11-27T14:13:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a few days late. Thanksgiving was Thursday and here it is Saturday. I know it was sooo two days ago and it's not hip to write about it now. But, I just had to share some things I'm thankful for, as well as some fun adventures I've had over the last couple days.

I'm thankful for modern technology
It's funny. I hate airplanes. They are incredibly uncomfortable. The temperature is too hot. The seats are too small. The food isn't very good. But yet, I fly on them anyway. Why is that? We could have driven to California to see my in-laws. But that would take too much time and I'd rather of the convenience of sitting on an uncomfortable plane for 2 hours.

Sometimes I think we take the blessings of modern technology for granted. 150 years ago, it would have taken several months for us to pull a handcart from Utah to California. There would be no short Thanksgiving trips. Today we whine because we have to turn off our cell phones on a plane, or because they charge us extra to watch a movie. We have so many blessings that we get cranky because our blessings aren't more convenient. (Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind a more comfortable seat, but I'm grateful we have the ability to fly across the country relatively cheaply.)

I'm thankful for cool gadgets
For Thanksgiving dinner this year I was the CPO (Chief Peeling Officer) I was in charge of peeling various items from apples to sweet potatoes. Peeling the apples was the most fun. I got to use this cool medieval torture device.

I'm sure Jack Bauer would use this device to get terrorists to reveal the location of the nuclear bomb. My job was not quite that interesting (but at the same time, it was more awesome.) I was in charge of placing an apple on the device and torturing the apple until it had no more peel. Afterward, it was important for Robyn and I to reveal how precious we were by doing the Lady and the Tramp strategy with an apple peel.

I know our preciousness is hard to handle.

I'm thankful for fun puzzles
My sister-in-law made the mistake of letting her children read her high school yearbook. There was a particular individual who wrote some embarrassing things that they found amusing. They told me about it and I was also amused. We decided we needed to see a picture of him, but they couldn't remember his last name and she wouldn't tell us. This limited information made for an excellent puzzle. It involved doing some calculations to figure out what year she graduated, googling the class of that year, figuring out his name and then finding him on facebook. I'm thankful for fun nieces and nephews that help me play fun puzzle solving games and I'm also thankful for tolerant sisters-in-law who tolerate me egging on her children.

I'm thankful for mashed potatoes
They're awesome.

I'm thankful for fanciness
I'm used to large family gatherings with numerous cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, long lost relatives, strangers, lost tribes of Israel and so on. This year Thanksgiving with Robyn's parents was much more intimate. There were only 6 of us which allowed us to have a much smaller, more intimate and more fancy setting.

It is a well known fact that I'm not fancy but luckily, family loves me enough to not begrudge my lack of fanciness within a fancy setting.

All in all, it's been a great Thanksgiving and a great trip. When I think about the first Thanksgiving, where many of them had starved to death and many of the others weren't sure what hardships tomorrow would bring, I find myself very grateful for the life I live. I'm grateful for wonderful family and friends. Happy Thanksgiving!

The Tale of the New Cup: A Mystery

2010-11-21T22:20:00.001-07:00

I know, I know. Sequels are never any good. It's hard to think of a case where there is a sequel that is as good or better than the original. (And don't even try to refute that by bringing up The Empire Strikes Back. It is not a sequel, it is part of a trilogy which was written as one story arc from the beginning.)

Nevertheless, when it comes to real life, things continue to happen even after great tragedies like losing a beloved blue cup. It's possible that this very blog may have lead to the occurrence of this sequel. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me just explain what happened.

Tonight we had Sunday dinner with family. We made our way home and saw something strange on our door step. When we got closer we discovered that it was this "individual."

We were ever so perplexed. But there was an envelope attached to him that said "Jeff." I opened it up and found this letter:

I have traveled very far to find you Jeff. The stories of your drinking prowess have reached the lands where I was born. I heard that you had a vacancy and I am looking to be your loyal servant. I will be good to you. You can fill me up with any drink you want anytime. I am easy to clean and so make it easy for you to use me again and again. I have traveled all this way. I hope that you will consider me a suitable servant. I wish to live with you forever. Please... I beg of you. Fill me with drink and you will see how great I can be. I look forward to calling you master and this place home.

Upon further examination of this new humble servant I found that his legs are actually large orange cups. They certainly aren't the same as my blue cup, but I believe they could bring joy into my life. I know not from what land this individual came. But I believe a great blessing has come upon our household.

Of course, all of this brings to light many questions.

How did this servant know of my need?
Who might have sent him?
Why is there a big 4 on his shirt?
Why does he look so sad?
Are there other cup legged individuals out there numbered 1, 2 and 3?
Does he really want me to rip his legs off and drink out of them?

As you can see, this mystery is riddled with questions. If any of you out there know the answers to these questions I'd love to hear them. If some of you may have notified this servant of my need, I thank you.

But despite all the questions, I believe this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Good bye my blue cup. Hello my new cup.