Swan Hands

I know I've written a lot about the things that happen when I should be sleeping.  Apparently the most amusing things happen at midnight.

Last night I was engaged in such important activities as REM sleep, when I was awakened by a strange sound.  I opened my eyes to the strangest sight.  Robyn was laying perfectly flat, but her arm was upright, like the neck of a swan.  Her hand pecking at the blinds on the window near our bed.

She was very carefully opening the blinds, one by one.  But she wasn't grabbing them.  In fact, there was no evidence that she had any sort of opposable thumb.  She was individually pushing the top of each blind so that it would turn horizontal and open a view to the outside.  It should be noted, her eyes were closed and she wasn't looking at it.  So I wasn't sure why she needed a view outside.

This is an exact replica of the scene.  I have labeled it for those who don't understand good art.

I've gotten pretty used to her talking in her sleep but she's normally immobile.  I was really confused by this one. I simply asked, "What are you doing?"

She clearly thought that was a stupid question.  "I'm opening the blinds."

I guess that was obvious, so I asked a better question, "Is there something you're trying to see?"

I stumped her on this one.  "I don't know."

I figured I wasn't getting any information out of her and I was tired.  So I just rolled over, "Carry on, then."

The amusing part came this morning.  She woke me up before she left for work.  I asked her if she remembered our conversation in the middle of the night.  When she answered in the negative, I showed her how the bottom half of the blinds were open.

I think that when I tell her stories about her self she is more baffled then I am because she doesn't get to see it happen in real life.  After my relating of the whole experience, she began to be astonished.  That's when she promptly closed the blinds and said, "Now it's all better."

I just wish I could have seen the incredible thing that was outside last night.  Perhaps I would have swan pecked the blinds as well, if I would have known of the awesomeness that was in store.

Where Am I?

I had a strange dream.  I need all my psychology experts to tell me what this one means.

I dreamed that I woke up in my bedroom.  (Strange place to wake up, right?  Give it a moment.  It gets weirder.) Only, it wasn't exactly like my bedroom.  The light fixture had been torn apart and my nightstand had been moved across the room.  I could hear a woman speaking in the other room.  Her voice didn't sound like Robyn (it actually sounded like Megan, her sister) but I assumed it was Robyn because no other women live in my house. (At least not that I'm aware of.  There could be some lurking in the closet without my knowledge.)  I thought she was talking on the phone but I was perplexed as to why she would be on the phone in the middle of the night.  (I didn't stop to think that it wasn't really dark in the dream.)

I got up and peaked out of the bedroom. To my astonishment, I discovered the woman in my hallway was not Robyn.

Her face wasn't actually a question mark.  The question mark symbolizes the fact that I didn't recognize her.

Upon further examination, my hallway was not my hallway.  When the woman saw me, she screamed and ran away.  A man (presumably her husband) emerged from a neighboring room.  He didn't seem very happy with my presence.   At this point I was quite sure that it wasn't my house.

I tried to ask the man, "Where am I?" but the words weren't coming out.  What did come out was something along the lines of "mmmmmmm".  Apparently I'm not very good at moving my lips while I sleep.

You'd think my inability to speak would clue me in that I was not awake.  But no such luck.  The man did not seem excited by A)my occupation of his house and B)my strange moaning that was supposed to pass as words. I tried again to ask him, "Where am I?" but was quite unsuccessful.

Finally I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him.  (I'm sure this definitely won him over to my side.)  I tried to yell as loud as I could, "Where am I?"  Finally I was successful!  The sound of me yelling in the real world woke me up.  I was in my bedroom again.  Robyn was next to me.  I was no longer confused.  However, Robyn was confused because of the fact that I was yelling.

I have one interpretation.  I was jealous of all the cool stuff Robyn does in her sleep and wanted to be as cool as her.  What do you think?

The Midnight Clapper

Just when I thought Robyn had ceased doing interesting things in her sleep, she decided to give me another story.

I was drifting in the world of slumber, gently floating through the happiness of dreams, when suddenly I awoke to the sound of clapping.

I hope this image helps you imagine the sound I was hearing

I opened up my eyes just in time to see Robyn clap her hands a few more times before exclaiming, "Yay!"

I've learned through experience that if I can get her to interact with me when she is asleep, the awesomeness multiplies ten fold.

So, I asked, "Why are you clapping?"

"snefgargle"

She doesn't always speak english when she's asleep. She often speaks in tongues. So I thought I'd try a different question. I thought maybe she was cheering herself on. "Did you do it?"

(This was said with much pride.) "MMMmmmmHHHhhhhhMMMmmm"

"What did you do?"

At this point she decided she had enough of this conversation. She rolled over and quietly continued sleeping.

We may never know what Robyn did that she was impressed with herself enough to incite applause. But what I do know for sure is that I'm glad we don't have those lights that are activated by clapping. That would have just ruined my whole world.

The World Under the Water

Yesterday I made a very important purchase.  This purchase will probably change my life.  It might even change yours.  (But I'm going to assume it will change mine more than yours.)

Before I tell you what I bought, I have to explain why I need it.  You see, Robyn and I went to Hawaii a few years ago.  While there I did such important things as snorkeling.  I saw all sorts of amazing things (fish, turtles, sharks, Robyn) under the water.  I really wanted to share all the neat things I had seen.  Unfortunately, our camera couldn't get wet so we purchased some disposable, waterproof cameras.

Let's just say that when I developed the film in the disposable cameras, I was disappointed that they didn't quite capture what I was seeing.  Ever since that moment I have really wanted a good digital, waterproof camera.  Robyn and I have been putting a few dollars away every month and finally the day came that I was able to purchase my waterproof camera.  (In case you weren't paying attention, that is the important purchase.)

I promised that this purchase would change your life and now I'm going to explain how.  You see, now I'll be able to document so many important things.  For example, have you ever wondered what it would look like if you were a fish swimming in my bath tub and I was looking down at you?  Well, you no longer need to wonder because I have documented that for you.

That is my "hello precious fish" smile

What if you were a fish and  I was trying to say "hello".  What would that be like?  I have documented that as well.

I hope you feel like your life has changed. But if you feel like your life is still the same, fear not, there will be plenty of other underwater items for me to share. Your life could change yet.

The Tale of Two Lasagnas

Lasagna is awesome. I just thought I'd mention that. It's something you should be aware of before I regale you with the tale of the two lasagnas and how they came to be.

So every once in a while Robyn gets tired of making dinner and requests that I take over for a night. We both know in our hearts that her dinners are more awesome, but since it had been a long time since she asked me to make dinner I decided to go ahead and volunteer.

I told her I would make lasagna. (It's one of the five meals I know how to make.) I began inspecting the ingredients we had available and I quickly concluded that we did not have enough of any of the ingredients I needed. I decided we needed more noodles, cheese, sauce, meat, the whole works. Robyn seemed to think I was crazy but she was nice about it and didn't say anything. (Although she gave me that disapproving look of hers.) But she even bought me more ingredients when she was at the store.

I began cooking up a storm. I was boiling the noodles and browning the meat simultaneously. I was so proud of myself, I was such a domestic little husband. I got everything ready and began building my layers of lasagna goodness.

Well, the pan filled up. I made a glorious lasagna. People came from miles around just to see what an astounding lasagna I had made. They marveled at the delicious cheese and noodley goodness.

Unfortunately, that's when I realized there was a small problem. I had only used half of all the ingredients I had prepared. When I pointed this out to Robyn, she broke her vow of silence on the issue. You see, she's very sneaky when she disagrees with me. When things are not yet proven, she stays quiet but gives me the knowing look. It's her way of foreshadowing that she's going to say something along the lines of "I told you so." Once she is proven right, then comes her moment of victory when she tells me how she knew it all along. She let me know quite clearly that I was crazy in thinking I needed all of the ingredients I had made her buy.

But then, a true miracle happened. We got out another pan and I made another lasagna. Can you think of a happier ending to a story? We ate our fill and still had 1.75 lasagnas as leftovers. Is there anything more awesome? I say unto you, 'nay'.

If it's not looking amazingly delicious, keep in mind this is the second lasagna that has been in the fridge a couple days.  Worry not, I will still partake of its goodness.

The Best Post of 2012

Well, another year has transpired.  I had a fabulous 2011 and I thought I should summarize some of the greatest happenings.  Those of you who follow this blog will have seen some of them already.  But worry not, there will be a few items I haven't talked about as well.

Here are the things I remember being awesome about 2011:

1. Saw Yosemite National Park for the first time

It became necessary to swallow Yosemite Falls

2. Ate at a buffet in Las Vegas until it hurt.  (Not a recommended strategy, but it was so good.)
3. Tried a genuine Chicago Hot Dog

One of the best hot dogs I've ever had.  

4. Saw the Blue Man Group perform and later dressed as a Blue Man myself

5. Read 29 books for a total of 9,195 pages
6. Stood in one of the Great Lakes (Lake Michigan)
7. Visited Carthage Jail and saw the room where Joseph Smith was martyred

Jared and I look just like Joseph and Hyrum

8. Picked up several new computer languages/skill sets
9. Got 365 days older (this means I survived the entire year)
10. Accomplished 12 items on my bucket list
11. Had a root canal (awesome things aren't always good things)
12. Visited the temple at least once a month and went inside 9 temples I had never visited before

This is the San Diego temple.  It looks like a castle where a princess would live.

13. Stood in the Ocean (Pacific)
14. Lifted a Million Pounds
15. Tried Chocolate Covered Bacon
16. Bought a new house
17. Turned 30 (became old)

As you can see, 2011 was an incredible year.  I hope 2012 will be just as good.  I'm not quite sure exactly what adventures will be included.  I'm not sure if it will be able to measure up.  I'm going to Hawaii in June, so that will be exciting.  But I'm probably not buying a new house so things may not be as crazy.

Either way, I'm sure that the coming year will be amazing.  What did you do in the past year that was exciting?  What are you looking forward to this year?

P.S.  I know this post wasn't amazing but it is the best I've done this year.  I'll try to make sure it isn't the best post for long.